A Star Ocean 2 Parody
by MGSB
Summary: The cast is present. The camera crew is ready. The Director and his assistants are raring to go. And...ACTION! Sit back and enjoy the makings of one of our favorite films, Star Ocean 2!
1. The Beginning

**A Star Ocean 2 Parody, **by MetalGearSolidBoy

This has been edited from the original version. Some content may or may not have been changed.**  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Ocean: The Second Story, or any other persons that appear in this.**

Oh, and...Enjoy?

* * *

**

* * *

Part I: Milocinia-Salva**

(Planet Milocinia)

Director: "Ok, guys! We'll show Square what a real RPG is made of!

Cast&Crew: "Yeah!"

Crawd Kenni: "No! I love Square!"

(everybody stares at Crawd)

Crawd: "Hey, why are you all staring at---Ahhh! Oh my gosh! What are you doing to me! NOOO, NOT THAT! NOT THAT! AHHHHHHHHH!"

(dead silence)

Director: "Okay...NOBODY tell the authorities, you hear?"

C&C: "Nope."

Director: "Hmmm...we'll need a new Crawd now..."

Funny Thief: "Yo! What about that guy?"

(points toward some kid coming out of a restroom)

Director: "HIM? He's my assistant's waterboy. Besides, he's blonde. Most modern RPGs have enough blonde-headed heroes."

Funny Thief: "You think blonde heroes are bad for selling an RPG? Final Fantasy VII had Cloud Strife, and that turned out to be one of the best-selling games of all time!"

Director: "...You've got a point there, loser. Here's 10 bucks. Buy yourself a comic book or something."

Funny Thief: "You have no right to attack my dignity like that! I can sue you right now for calling me a loser. I know my rights! I'm throwin' the book at ya!"

Director: "So, instead of taking 10 whole U.S. dollars instantly, you'd rather file a lawsuit that would just end up giving you a measley 5-grand settlement?"

Funny thief: "...? Point well taken. (grabs 10 bucks)"

Director: "(Sucker!)"

* * *

**Infringement**

(Milocinia scene...well, close to it anyway)

Director: "Hey, YOU! You're our new Crawd, got it?"

New Crawd: "Crawd? OH GAWD!"

Director: "Yeah, yeah, we've all heard that rhyme. Let me just say that you're gonna do fine. Based on 2004 investigations, only 34 of RPG actors die on-set."

New Crawd: "Wow. So I have a 1-in-34 chance to live, huh? Sounds good to me. I'm proud to be working with you."

Director: "(...what a dolt) Don't push me, kid. Stop sucking up and fetch yourself Crawd's lines from his corpse."

Crawd: "Ewww...I didn't know that corpses would be so bloody. And what the heck did you do to his skin?"

Director: "Shut up and get to work. We're starting late."

Crawd: "Call me 'Claude'."

Director: "Why?"

Claude: "Sounds a heckuva lot better than Crawd, don't it?"

Director: "True, true. But why Claude?"

Claude: "Cuz 'You got Clauded!'"

Director: "?"

Claude: "...Geez, nobody gets my humor..."

Director: "(I'll blast the humour outta yer body if you tell me that again!) GET TO WORK, ALREADY!

Claude: "What a grouch. You sure had a bad childhood, didn't you? I know how you'd feel. My parents beat me up all the time. They didn't care about me. All I wanted was to be loved. Why do people have to be so..."

Director: "One more word out of you, and you'll be eating nothing but Rotten Sashimi the whole filming!"

Claude: "Whatever..."

(Squall jumps in and takes $50 from Claude, does a little dance, then vanishes into thin air)

Claude: "The heck was THAT!"

Director: "That idiot Squall has a special copyright on that phrase, and he can legally rob you of 50 bucks if you say that word! So do us all a favor and DON'T SAY IT!"

Claude: "Say what? 'Whatever?'"

(Squall jumps in, takes $50 from Claude, does the Chicken Limbo, then vanishes into thin air)

Claude: "O-kaaaaay..."

Director: "(What a moron. But whatever, I guess. Ooops!)"

(Squall jumps in, does the hokey pokey, heads for the Director's wallet, then...)

_BLAM!_ (Squall's guts are on the floor)

Director: "He'll be back. But you won't be if you don't join Ronixis and his Calnus crew on the Milocinia scene in 10 seconds, buddy!"

Claude: "Eeep!"

* * *

**Script-Reading at its Finest  
**

Director: "Okay. Everybody in their places? Good, Take 1 on Milocinia! Action!"

Ronixis: "Well, any results different from the pre-landing survey?"

Science Officer: "No. The field itself seems to be made of magnetical energy, but the...uh...ummm...quantum level of the hydraulics in the temporal atmosphere seem to be fluctuating in a rather strange manner."

Director: "(A screw-up already! Oh well, nobody understands this stuff anyway.)"

Ronixis: "Oh, so I can only surmise that you're implying to me that we should move closer to the half-sphere structure ahead. (Hehehe...boy, am I GOOD or what?)"

Science Officer: "YES! EXACTLY Commodore! That's exactly what I was inferring...err...IMPLYING! That's right, implying!"

Director: (puffs smoke from cig)

Ronixis: "Before we execute such a maneuver, will you please take a spectral analysis of the waves emitted by the field?"

Science Officer: "Yes sir."

Director: "(Ok people, get back to your original lines...)"

Ronixis: "Claude, you've made it to Ensign. If there's any reason you have to defend yourself, use this."

(Deadly Weapon Phase Gun Armed and Ready)

Ronixis: "What's the matter? Nervous?"

Claude: "OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS! This is my first acting job, what do you expect! Geez, cut me some frickin' slack, Pops!"

Ronixis: "Pssst! (Read your lines, you mental wreck!)"

Claude: "Oh, ummm...Ok, I can do this..."

Claude: (heavy breathing, panting)

Claude: (hyperventilating, heat exhausting)

Claude: (Russian chanting)

Ronixis: "CLAUDE!"

Claude: "Ummm...no...that's not it..."

Ronixis: "Fine then. CRAWD!"

Claude: "No, no, no, I just read my line, silly!"

Ronixis: "...oh...ahem..."

* * *

**Oops.**

Ronixis: "Hahaha. Claude, you're an Ensign now, you'll need to be bolder than THAT!"

Claude: "Umm...a little help here?"

Director: "What's the friggin' holdup?"

Claude: "It says I'm supposed to make a little text bubble appear above my head and go '...' in that order."

Director: "What order! They're all periods!"

Claude: (text bubble appears) "..." Oh, you're right. There isn't really any order.

Director: "See? You just did it all by yourself. Now get on with it!"

Claude: "..."

(winks at the Director)

Director: "(keep winking, you little...)"

Ronixis: "All righty then! Claude, to use this Gun, all you have to do is press the L1 button at the start of a battle. If a battle starts, USE IT! Okay?"

Claude: "Got it."

Ronixis: "Good."

Claude: "Wait a minute...let me think here..."

Ronixis: "(Not again...)"

Claude: "So if, like you say, a battle starts, and then I press the L1 button, like this..."

Ronixis: "NO, Claude, don't press tha---"

(giant laser sound and explosion)

Ronixis: "_AUGH!_ It burns, it burns! _Gyahh!_..."

(dead silence)

(Director's jaws drop)

Director: "GREAT. Just great. Now we need a new Ronixis."

* * *

**Traditions**

Director: "Now where are we gonna find a new Ronixis?"

Assistant Director: "I thought I just saw that William Riker guy from StarTrek a few days ago."

Director: "Oh, yeah, I saw him, too. Let's 'pick him up'.

Assistant Director: "Heheheh...I assume you want me to use the 'traditional method' of picking newcomers up?"

Director: "Yup."

Assistant: "Good. I got my chloroform ready."

(leaves)

Director: "This shouldn't take too long."

(sips coffee)

(Assistant comes back in carrying a bodybag)

Assistant: "I got him, sir. He's out like a light. But he smells kinda funny..."

Director: "Well, wake him up so we can continue Scene 1.

Assistant: _SMACK!_ "Rise and shine, Riker! Or perhaps I should say, Commodore Kenni?"

Riker: "...mghf! Where the heck am I!"

Assistant: "You're in Milocinia, COMMODORE RONIXIS KENNI."

Riker: "Uh-oh. I heard about these kidnappings. This can only mean one thing----this is an RPG!"

Director: "That's right, Pot-Belly, and if you don't do exactly what we say, it's BACK TO WORKING AT MCDONALD's for you!"

Riker: "(mumble mumble) Fine. I'll do your stinkin' RPG. Provided I get paid, and that your Assistant doesn't blindside me and force chloroform up my nose when I already said that I'd go with him."

Assistant: (walks slowly away)

Director: "Of course you'll get paid. Now put on your uniform, and pick up that charred piece of...I mean, your lines."

Riker(as Ronixis): "Wow! I've never been a Commodore before, let alone an Admiral!"

Director: "Well, here's your chance to redeem yourself. Your acting sucked in Nemesis pretty bad..."

Ronixis: "...last I checked, at least Squaresoft doesn't go around KIDNAPPING Star Trek actors to fill in slots for an RPG gone horribly wrong."

Director: "...whatever..."

(Squall's guts rematerialize, he break-dances for about 10 minutes, hops like a rabbit toward the Director, dives in for the Director's wallet and...)

_BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!_

(Squall's ugly corpse melts away and gets dumped down a toilet)

Director: "What a moron. Assistant, tell everyone to get ready for the next scene, and pick up some more buck-shots while you're at it!"

* * *

**Super-Size Me**

(Milocinia Scene)

Director: "Okay everyone! Action!"

Ronixis: "Well? Anything?"

Science Officer: "Commodore, it's no use. Nothing in the database matches it."

Ronixis: "Nothing, eh?"

Ronixis: "All right. Then we'll just have to get closer."

Claude: "Yes, Mr.Riker sir.

Director: "D'oh!"

(crew walks toward dome)

Ronixis: "Who would build such a thing, and why? What is going on?"

Claude: "Hey, there's some writing on the dome's surface. I can barely make it out..."

Claude: "M-A-D-E--I-N--C-H-I-N-A"

Claude: "Wow, 'Made in China'! I guess that answers your first question, Pops."

Claude: "As for your 2nd question, '...and why?', my only guess is that the Communists made the Chinese people there manufacture it for resale."

Director: "CUT! It's a prop we set up here, you moron! Get with the program!"

Claude: "..."

Director: "What?"

Claude: (grins)

Director: "Uh...?"

Claude: "_BA-DA-BUH-BAAA-BAAA! I'M LOVIN' IT!_"

Riker: "I'll teach you for making fun of Mickey D's theme song!"

(whap!)

Claude: "Ow!"

* * *

**The First Cut**

(Milocinia Scene, still)

Director: "SHU'UP, all of you! We've got a deadline to meet, so get back on the scene."

Science Officer: "We have no choice but to explore the dome's exterior."

Ronixis: "Good idea. Everyone case the area."

Ronixis: "Remember, safety is the first priority, be careful."

Ronixis: "Claude, we're gonna be searching around the dome for anything suspicious. So far things look normal around here, but if you see anything, just tell me."

Claude: "Umm...okay."

Claude: "(_Can't he see that panel shooting sparks out? Geez, these guys are idiots. I mean, I'M a lowly Ensign, and I find it right away. Maybe I should act dumb like them and stand around, too._)"

(everyone stands around like idiots for about 15 minutes)

Director: "Uh, when is Claude supposed to tell Ronny where that panel is?"

Assistant: "He was supposed to do it immediately. But he's just standing around like an idiot. Why can't he see it? He's looking straight in that direction, too!"

Ronixis: "CLAUDE, we're waiting for you."

Claude: "Buh?"

Ronixis: "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT FRICKING PANEL SHOOTING SPARKS AROUND! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WALK UP TO IT AND ASK FOR MY HELP!"

Claude: "Why the heck didn't you notice it? It was right in front of your eyes! Your little buddy Cadet #1 got zapped in the face walking past it!"

Cadet #1: "...DID NOT! Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Claude: "Then why is the left side of your face oozing blood and looks burnt?"

Cadet #1: "...uh, I used a Mach 6 from Gillette?"

Claude: "Bull crap!"

Ronixis: "That's enough. Claude, please walk up to the panel and ask for my help."

Claude: "Tch! Lazy bums."

(walks up to it)

Claude: "Hey, Fath...I mean, COMMODORE CRAP-FACE!"

Director: "Assistant, get the bat ready. Once this scene's done Claude is gonna be taught a lesson on scrip-reading."

Assistant: "Yes, sir!"

Ronixis: "Wow! You found it all by yourself with NO FINGERS POINTING OUT TO IT. Good work, Claude."

Crew, including Ronixis: "..."

Ronixis: "Well, do you think you can get this to work?"

Science Officer: "With some time, I may be able to..."

(door suddenly opens)

Ronixis: "Claude, why did you just open the door _manually_? We were to wait for this baffoon!"

Science Officer: (sniff sniff)

Claude: "We'll get nothing done if we keep fretting like this!"

Ronixis: "And you're not supposed to say that yet, either!"

Claude: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Director: Forget it, people. Just go inside the dome. Science Officer, you're fired. We don't need you anymore.

Science Officer: "...if you need me, I'll be in Henry's Happy Barrel..."

* * *

**#$&!**

(Milocinia, AGAIN)

Director: "Ok, ACTION."

Ronixis: "You're really something Claude. Who would have thought that you could just open the door right up? Good work."

Claude: "All in a day's work, Pops."

Ronixis: "Well, let's go inside everyone. Be on your guard."

Crew: "Yes sir."

(the crew enters and explores)

Claude: "?"

Ronixis: "Claude, don't approach that device yet. We still don't know what it is."

Claude: "Tsk, tsk, tsk."

(heads toward it)

Ronixis: "Claude!"

Claude: "There's no stopping me Father! What are you gonna do, come here and get me----_OWWWW!_ Stupid rock!"

Director: "Heheheh..."

Claude: "Urgh...darn, that hurt."

Claude: "We'll get nothing done if we keep flirting like this!"

Director: "(Of all the lousy screw-ups...)"

Ronixis: "Who's flirting?"

Claude: "Well, you were flirting with that girl in the swimsuit during break..."

Ronixis: "...Um..uh..."

Ronixis: "Whatever! Now come back here this instant!"

(Squall's toilet-drained guts split into 4 and they regenerate into 4 Squalls. The 4 Squalls do a little jig with the flute and violin, and then snag $200 from Riker's coat pocket)

Ronixis: "WHAT the $#&$ did I do to deserve this!"

Director: "It's yer own &#$& fault for saying that word."

Claude: "Hahaha! You suck!"

Cast & Crew: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah!"

Ronixis: "URRRRR...THAT'S IT!"

Ronixis: "Later, son! See ya on Expel!"

(activates teleporting pod-device thingy)

Claude: "Hey, what the----AHHH!"

Cast & Crew: "Whoaaaahhhhh! We're being sucked up too!"

Director: "(Dangit, I was hopin' to take the Calnus there.)"

(WHITEOUT)

Ahhh...oh...

(New Scene, Shingo Forest)

Claude: "Ow...where am I?"

Claude: "OH CRAP! My stupid 'Dad' must've beamed us off somewhere!"

Claude: "...that's it! My communicator!"

Claude: "Can you hear me now?...Good."

Static: "_shweiwofeihfejofhahfhoeyreuynayngrag!_"

Claude: "Geez, just tell me where Ronixis is."

Static: "_hdfoahsfbwerfhawnfynwrntgrvasnkjhf!_"

Claude: (In a high-pitched voice) "Screw you, guy, I'm a goin' home!"

Static: "_Here's a little advice for you. Never #$?& with me you son of a $#&#$!_"

Claude: "EEP"

* * *

**Generic Plans**

(Shingo Forest Scene)

Claude: "Lousy communicator! What a piece of crap!"

Claude: "(_Judging by the looks of this place, I'm betting this is an undeveloped planet._)"

Claude: "...Heheheheh, I can terrorize the masses and make them believe I'm some sort of _The Warrior_ holding a _The Sword of Light_."

Claude: "(_Better yet, I could drain a Pharoah of his energies. Or, I could go find some temple, take a shiny black orb out of it, and use its powers to crush the entire world with a meteor of some sort! Maybe I could even grab some Egg that controls Time and change the future of the planet! Or, I could find some woman gifted with the power to send people back into the past, capture her, and use wierd sorceress magic to compress time! Perhaps it would be wiser to accompany a summoner marching toward her doom just to bring a 10-year reign of peace. It might be fun to dress up like a girl and kill my creator and home planet just because I realize that I have a lifespan. Or...I could forge a Ring to Rule Them All, and make it so that it turns me invisible! Or, I could make 6 billion clones of myself and take over an artificial world formerly run by machines!_)"

Claude: "...or I could just investigate some stupid Globe."

Claude: "..."

Claude: "Yeah, I'll go with the last choice. It sucks so bad."

Claude: "H-hey!"

(a helpless girl is being attacked by some gorilla)

Claude: "...I have to save her!"

(Battle Begins!)

Claude: "We can win this!"

Claude: "(We? Why the heck did I just say 'We'?)"

Claude: "Ha! Feel the wrath of my deadly punch! On Earth I was known as the Iron Ball Buster! Take this! Yaaaaaah!"

0 Damage

Claude: "What the #$&?"

Claude: "Rrrgh...fine, then, TAKE THIS!"

0 Damage

Claude: "That's it. You're really going down. I'll avenge the deaths of all my forefathers...with THIS!"

Claude: "GO PHASE GUN! BURN!"

(click click)

Claude: "Huh?"

Claude: "WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!"

(click click)

Gorilla Man: "Hahaha! You not so tough!"

_SMACK!_

Claude: "OOOOffff!"

35 Damage

Claude: "This is obviously a timed battle. There's no way an RPG would kick off with a boss so hard. HAHAHAHAHA!"

Gorilla: "Time to go bye-buy!"

_Smash!_

Claude: "Uggh! Minor setback, minor setback."

28 Damage

Claude: "Why won't my Gun work?"

click click

Gorilla: "Heh...you in hot water now!"

_Hit!_

Claude: "DANGIT!"

30 Damage

* * *

**Gawd, they're back...**

(Meanwhile, the Director and Crew wake up in the forest)

Director: "Oh, shucks. He's fighting that gorilla thing already!"

Assistant: "Double-dang, his Phase Gun ain't workin' either."

Director: "Well, I kinda took the batteries out."

Claude: "You WHAT!"

Director: "I didn't want you killing any more of my cast."

Claude: "Well, hand me the batteries!"

Director: "I would if I could, but since you're in an unescapable battle, you can't open your menu and equip them."

Claude: "In Final Fantasy X you could change equipment during battle. Can't we just switch to their battle system!"

Director: "That would violate copyright laws, plus FFX doesn't exist in our timeline yet."

Claude: "?...you're right."

_Crack!_

30 damage

Director: "Well, he's dead. Does anybody know how to use Compound?"

Funny Thief A: "I do, sir!"

Director: "Good. Let's pray that we can get a Resurrection Bottle out of this!"

Funny Thief A: "Don't worry, sir! My Compounding Level is 10, and we have the Antiseptic Gloves!"

Director: "...just to be safe, let's use Orchestra. Assistant, hire some cheap band to play some music for this baffoon so that he doesn't fail."

Funny Thief A: "(You'll pay for calling me that.)"

Assistant: "I brought the Backstreet Boys here."

(Everybody stares at Assistant)

Assistant: "WHAT? You told me to hire a cheap band. These guys actually **gave** us $10 to play."

Backstreet Boys: "_You are...my fire. My one...desire..._"

Funny Thief A: "Let's get this party started!"

(Freaky Item Creation Music plays)

Director: "Surely we got it!"

Funny Thief A: "Nope. Nothing."

Director: "That was our last set of items, too..."

* * *

**Heal!**

(Shingo Forest)

Director: "Dangit. How are we gonna heal Claude?"

Funny Thief A: "I would've compounded a Resurrection Bottle, but your lousy Assistant had to hire the Backstreet Boys to perform an Orchestra."

Backstreet Boys: (whimper pout)

Assistant: "Hey, Mr.Director told me to hire some cheap band! So don't go jumpin' on me!"

Director: "You didn't exactly hire them! They gave you money to perform."

Director: "...oh, look, that Gorilla thing is pounding that helpless blue-haired girl to a pulp."

Funny Thief B: "I'd make a good Claude! Let me slay that Gorilla thing!"

Director: "YOU! Ah, what the , go ahead. You can't be much worse than your brother, Funny Thief A."

Funny Thief A: "(Urge to kill Director rising...)"

New Claude(a.k.a."Funny Thief B"): "Prepare to die, Gorilla thing of the Abyss!"

Blue-haired Girl: "Oh...thank you...whoever you are..."

Claude: "BURN!"

(slashes with sword)

0 Damage

Claude: "Rrgh! What's it take, huh!"

Gorilla: "Funny Thief funny after all. Hohohoho!"

_Smack!_

30 damage

Director: "There goes Funny Thief B..."

Assistant: "!"

Director: "What is it?"

Assistant: "I found a packet of salt in my Happy Meal!"

Director: "Happy Meal?"

Assistant: "Well, I had a bite to eat while I was kidnapping Mr.Riker. Anyways, now we can revive Claude!"

Director: "Oh, yeah, Smelling Salts! Hurry up and use it!"

Funny Thief C: "I'll put the batteries inside Claude's Phase Gun!"

Gorilla: _Smack!_

31 damage

(Thief C falls dead)

Funny Thief D: "...guess I'll go..."

_Smash_

(Thief D drops cold)

Director: "Stupid, weak flunkies. I'll handle this."

Gorilla: "You die now!"

Director: "Here."

Gorilla: "B...b...b...b...BANANA CREPES! ARG! UGH! FUNGHAG! MAIEEED! SQUAK! GIMME GIMME!"

(puts batteries in, then walks away)

Assistant: "Here, Claude. Take a whiff of this!"

(Claude slowly regains conciousness)

Claude: "AHHHHH! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL EYES!  
IT BURNS! THEY'RE MELTING!"

Director: "YOU were supposed to sprinkle it by his nose, you fool!"

Assistant: "I did. He's just ranting like an crack addict."

Claude: "...oh. Heheheh...sorry?"

Director: "Hurry, take your Phase Gun and blast away that enemy!"

Claude: "Yes sir!"

Claude: "BURN!"

(_1970's blaster rifle SFX_)

Rena: "AHHHHH! WHY, WHY, WHY!...I'm too young...to..die..."

(dead silence)

Director: "..."

Cast: "..."

Gorilla: "..."

Director: "HOW...STUPID...CAN...YOU...FRICKIN BE! THERE GOES RENA!"

Claude: "Hey. I'm a part of the Animal Rights Activists Committee! This Gorilla is the only one of its kind! This young lady was trying to slaughter it, I just know it! It is my sworn duty to protect all forms of animal life from potentia---"

Director: "I'll give you $1.50 if you resign from that club."

Claude: "Done. (takes money)"

* * *

**Home-Baked Goodness**

(Shingo Forest Scene)

Director: "Claude, we've managed to get a hold of a new Rena. Please be careful with her."

Rena: "No worries, Direc! Unlike the last Rena, I can heal myself!"

Director: "Really? Hmmm...maybe I can add some extra storyline based on that new ability of yours."

Rena: "You better hurry, my entire script says to Ad-lib."

Claude: "Hey, why does she get the 'Ad-lib' script! No fair! I wanna go home!" pouts

_Whap!_

Claude: "Owweee..."

Director: "You're such a baby. Well, who cares? We need you to do this scene right, okay?"

Claude: "Fine."

(Everything resets)

Director: "ACTION!"

Claude: "I've got to save her!"

(Battle Starts)

Claude: (as Dias) "Piece of junk..."

Director: "Cut, what the was that!"

Assistant: "Disc error, sir. This game is chock full of it."

Director: (as Opera) "I will make you fall."

Director: "?"

Assistant: "Whoah, it's even getting to you, sir."

Claude: (as Leon) "Leave it to me!"

Director: "Why? What are you gonna do?"

Claude: (as Director) "Whatever..."

(Squall gets beamed down to Expel via that energy pod thingy in Milocinia, recites 5 books from the New Testament in a random manner, twirls and twirls until he can twirl no more, licks his ten fingers, plays a wierd piece on the cello, crab-walks toward the Director's wallet, snags $50, then vanishes into thin air)

Director: "WHAT! I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!"

Assistant: "The disc messed up, making Claude speak in your voice, and Squall confused you for Claude."

Director: (sigh) "I'll be taking a short break. Take over for me, will ya?"

Assistant: "Sure. Enjoy your Bud Light."

Director: "(I'm takin' that out of your pay, hotshot!)"

Assistant: "Claude, just kill that Gorilla thing already."

Claude: "Yes sir! Say yer prayers, Gorilla thing!"

0 Damage

Claude: "Whoopsee Daisy! I forgot about my Phase Gun!"

Claude: "Uhhh...burn!"

640 Damage

Gorilla: _sqeak_

Claude: "BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN!"

(GIANT BLUE EXPLOSIONS)

Assistant: "Okay, Claude. Calm down, no need to get that aggressive!"

Claude: "_BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN!_"

Assistant: "AHHHHH! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

(huge blue explosion)

Claude: (as Bowman) "Well, that was a good workout."

Rena: "Geez, is it safe to come out yet?"

Claude: "Yeah, I killed that Gorilla guy dead."

Claude: "I guess we just wait for the Director, 'cuz I don't see the Assistant anywhere."

Rena: "Look down by your feet."

Claude: "HEY! IT's Mr.Assistant! Wake up, silly! Huh, why are you so black, crispy, and delicious looking? Why aren't you moving, sir?"

Rena: "Dude, you friggin' KILLED him! The Director's gonna be so mad..."

Director: (to himself) "Today we salute you, Mr. Way2Cool4U Director! We awe at your awsomeness and...WHAT...HAPPENED...HERE?"

Claude: "I think I killed him dead-like, but I'm not sure."

Director: "Why...you...little..."

(Claude and Rena back off)

Director: "...Angel! Thank you so much for killing my Assistant. He was always such a pain in the . Here's a cookie, Hero!"

Claude: (munch) "Mmmm! Yummers! Now things are starting to pay off!"

* * *

**Two Different Wavelengths**

(Arlia Village Scene)

Rena: "Are you a traveler?"

Claude: "Yeah, ummmm, something like that."

Rena: "Where'd you come from?"

Claude: "I'm from...Earth."

Rena: "Urth? Where exactly is that?"

Claude: "Hahaha...very funny Rena Lanford."

Rena: "Is it on the other side of El?"

Claude: "Nah, **M** is on the other side of **L**."

Rena: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Claude: "You asked me if Earth was on the other side of **L**, and we all know that **M** comes after **L**, so **M **must be on the other side."

Rena: "Geez, just drop it. You're so stupid."

Claude: "Hey, I'm the one who saved yer life! And now you're acting more stupider than me, asking me where the hell Earth is!"

Rena: "Screw you, I'm a goin' home..."

Claude: "...and I ALREADY used that line!"

Director: "(Gosh darnit, it wasn't supposed to go like this! Now what are we gunna do?)"

Claude: "Shall we dance, Mr.Director?"

_Whap!_

Claude: "Owwweeeee! Cut it out!"

Director: "Hmmmm...well, I guess we'll just have you explore the town on your own."

Claude: "Maaaaaaaaaaan, this place literally smells like crap! I mean, where I'm from the air smells wonderful. With all the pleasant odors from our pollution, and don't forget car exhaust! Ahhhh, good 'ol car exhaust..."

Director: "(He's right, this place does smell like year-old manure. The weirdest thing is, there's not an animal in sight. That could only mean that the people here go outside and...ughhhh! Don't even wanna think about it...)"

(Claude enters the village, then stands around in the shadowy area for about 5 minutes)

Director: "Uhhh...Claude?"

Claude: "Heheheheheh...AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! DARKNESS SURROUNDS US! IT'S TIME FOR A TRIP TO THE SHADOWS! BAHAHAHAHAWK!"

Director: "Claude! Get a hold of yerself!"

Claude: "Oh...sorry. Just reciting lines from my favorite T.V. show on WB."

Director: "WB? Their shows suck."

Claude: "Don't diss the Frog, man. I'll have you know that I've seen all the episodes for every cartoon ever on that station!"

Director: "..."

Claude: "Speaking of which, it's almost 4:30. Yo, old geezer! Can I go to your house and watch T.V?"

Old Geezer from Arlia: "What are you talking about? I don't have a house! If I did, would you see me standing here? I think NOT!"

Claude: "Not have a house? Surely one of these must be yours!"

Old Geezer: "Take a look yourself. All there is are the Church, the Newlywed's House, the General Store, Rena's house, Bossman's house, and the Mayor's residence."

Claude: "What about this house to my direct right?"

Old Geezer: "Do you see a door? I sure don't."

Claude: "Why the $& would anyone make a house without a door!"

Director: "One word...background."

Claude: "Yeah, yeah, and I suppose this water ain't real either. I can just walk right into it and..."

(Claude falls in water and starts drowning)

Claude: "Ahhhh! Help! I can't swim, I can't swim!"

Director: "Heheheheheheheheh..."

Claude: "Aren't you gonna pull me out?"

Director: "Just tell me when your lungs are half-filled with water, and I'll help ya..."

* * *

**Meow.**

(Arlia Village)

Claude: "Urp! I can't eat anymore. I'm finished."

Rena: "...You're just lucky my stupid mother actually fed your pathetic face! I didn't even want you in my house."

Director: "Mmmmmm...your 'mother' sure can cook!"

Rena: "What do you mean by 'mother'?"

Director: "Oh, ummm...never mind. It doesn't mean anything."

Claude: "Wait, if this is what I think it is, then Westa isn't your mother at all!"

Rena: "!"

Rena: "(How'd he know?)"

Claude: "Yup. I'm a genius. Bud Light even said so."

Rena: "If Westa isn't my mother, then who is my mom?"

Claude: "Simple. Your mother is an Ancient."

Director: "(Hoo boy...)"

Rena: "The heck is an Ancient!"

Claude: "Don't you know? You're one, too!"

Rena: "I'm...an Ancient?"

Claude: "Like your mother, Ifalna."

Director: "Pssst! (Claude, you fool, you're thinking of a different story! Stick with these new lines, why don't ya?)"

Claude: "Oh! Uh, never mind, Rena. I was just kidding! Ahahahahahahahhahah..."

Rena: "...get out of my house. NOW. I don't even know who I am anymore."

Claude: "We'll just see what Westa has to say about this!"

Rena: "Suck-up."

Director: "Got that right, miss."

Claude: "WESTA! Rena's actin' like a big baby! She keeps telling me to leave your beautiful big home! Punish her, I saved her life!"

Westa: "Rena, go to your room!"

Rena: "Dang! Mom, I don't even like him!"

Westa: "Shut your stuckup mouth an' get to your dumb little room!"

Rena: "Urrrrrr!"

Claude: "Geez, she's such a whiny gal."

Westa: "Yeah, I've had to put up with her for more than a decade!"

Claude: "Man, that's rough."

Westa: "Tell me about it. But you, you're such a nice lad!"

Claude: "(purrs)"

* * *

**Men of Action**

Director: "(Okay, now things are starting to get out of hand. I'm gonna put an end to this crap once and for all.)"

Director: "Uhh, I'm just gonna...step outside for a bit. Thanks for the meal, ma'am!"

Westa: "No problem. I'll take GOOD care of Claudey Waudey!"

Director: "Whatev...phew! Didn't say it."

(Director steps outside)

Director: "Okay, people, we need to get Claude and Rena together. How are we gunna get this done?"

Funny Thief A: "How 'bout we have a friend of Rena that goes crazy and kidnapps her. Then, we'll make Claude rescue her, and they'll be friends once again!"

Director: "That sucks. Any other ideas?"

Funny Thief A: "..."

Director: "Yo! Camera Dude #4! What do you think we should do?"

Camera Dude #4: "Uhhhh...bomb Arlia to bits?"

Director: "I was thinking of doing that, too, but we're not allowed to DIRECTLY murder our actors, in this case Claude."

Director: "I'VE GOT IT! We'll have some guy named Alen-Tax, a friend of Rena's, snag Rena and go insane! Then, I'll force Claude to save her, then we'll go through some pointless 1/2 hour dialog, and the journey will continue!"

Funny Thief A: "That's what I was trying to tell you!"

Director: "No you didn't. You talked about some really crappy kidnapping/crazy guy scenario. That really blows, don't you think?"

Funny Thief A: "..."

(Director heads back inside)

Director: "Claude! We're leaving! C-Claude!"

Claude(all dressed up in a fancy ballerina dress): "Yes, dear mother, I would simply ADORE another cup of tea!"

Westa: Heheee...here you go, Claude my DARLING son!"

_whap!_

Westa: "Ow! What was that for?"

Director: "You're really ticking me off, lady. Get a new husband or something."

_whap!_

Claude: "Crap, that hurt!"

Director: "Tea parties, Claude? You wuss."

* * *

**Elocution**

(Arlia Village, after Alen nabs Rena)

Mayor Regis: "Claude, you must help us, they kidnapped Rena!"

Claude: "Oh."

Regis: "..."

Westa: "..."

Priest: "..."

Regis: "Ahem...we're waiting..."

Claude: "For what?"

Regis: "Uh...for you to rescue Rena..."

Claude: "The $$ should I care? All she's done is cause me frickin trouble this whole time!"

Claude: "Why the heck can't you go an' save her?"

Regis: "Because...Alen, the one who kidnapped Rena, is the son of the powerful mayor of Salva..."

Claude: "Yeah, I've been to that Saliva. Those people aren't so tough. All they do there is drink and sell their own puke in the form of jam! And that $&#& stupid Freckled-girl Yuki is #$$# me off! She's like, 'Oh. I can't make anymore &$#$$& jam because I can't sing worth a piece of #?$!$' And I have to go, 'Yuki, follow yer $#?&! dreams, you stupid $#$&!' And all of a sudden she's like 'Oh wow, you've really helped me a lot. Now I can sell my $&#&# jam again!'"

Priest: "Oh, have mercy on this possessed kid's soul!"

New Assistant Director(a.k.a. "Camera Dude #4): "Say, Mr.Director, what content rating was this RPG supposed to have?"

Director: "E for Everyone, but that sure as HELL ain't possible now."

Assistant: "I'd ask you to please refrain from such foul language sir. You're setting a bad example for Claude. Just look at him."

Claude: "And then my $&!&# Director made me ask more people in Saliva about how to get to $#!$& space again! And I'm like, 'Hey? $$$$ing person! Where can I find a &!#$ing machine of some sort!' Geez, this whole &#$# world is just #$#?$ me!"

Priest: "AUGH! MASSIVE...HEART...FAILURE...TOO...MUCH! DEMONIC...INFLUENCE...RADIATING...FROM...BOY! UGH!"

(drops dead)

Regis: "!"

Director: "Shoot. There goes another fine walk-on..."

Assistant: "Yes. We'll honor his death for a long time."

Director & Assistant: "..."

Everyone: "Ahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahaha!"

* * *

**Teh Dizzy**

(World Map, just outside of Arlia)

Claude: "Holy Crap! What a view!"

Claude: "Heheheh...I wonder what happens if I press R1..."

Assistant: "(What does he mean by that?)"

Director: "(Beats me. It's not like this is a video game.)"

Claude: "Wheeeee! I'm going in circles! Hahahahha, this is soooooooo much fun!"

Claude: "Now, I'll hold R1 while going right at the same time!"

Claude: "Aheeheeheeheehee! Wh00!"

(Random Battle Occurs)

Claude: "This looks bad. Here's the enemy."

Claude: "Why the heck do I keep sayin' that corny dialog!"

Claude: "Meh. It's just a stinkin' Lizardaxe."

Lizardaxe: "Grah! Roar!"

Claude: "Ha, I can just swipe him to death with my Long Sword I got from that old dude in Arlia."

Claude: "Take this!"

(Lizard quickly counters with a pitiful poke)

Claude: "Uh oh!"

Claude: "Yeah, well, you can't keep poking me with that forever."

(Claude charges, then gets poked again)

Claude: "Uh oh!"

Claude: "Uh oh!"

Claude: "Uh oh!"

Director: "What the----he's getting his scrawny little butt whupped. HEY! Swing your sword a little faster! It may do less damage, but at least it'll hit!"

Claude: "Urgh...what do you think I was TRYING to do?"

Director: "You know, I really hate physically handicapped fools like this fellow."

Assistant: "Me too, sir, me too."

Claude: "I'll kick yer sorry----Uh oh!---ass so hard that----uh oh!--you'll wish you were never----Uh oh!---BORN!"

_Slice!_

(Lizardaxe FINALLY dies)

Claude: "Looks like we've won!"

Claude: "(Dangit, here we go again with the 'we'...)"

Claude: "Crawd has advanced forward. Heheh..."

Director: "What?"

Claude: "Yay! I learned a new Killer Move! Air Slash."

Director: "Don't bother using any new techniques yet. We've got to get to Salva."

Claude: "Screw you, man, I got some air to slash!"

(another Random Battle)

Claude: "Heheh...you Lizardaxes are in for a heap of trouble."

Claude: "Air Slash!"

(Claude starts vainly waving sword back and forth like a fan)

Director: sweatdrop "Oh...my...gosh..he..sucks..."

Assistant: "Geez, better get the handy-dandy Special Effects Crew in."

(Special Effects Crew plants a chain of bombs underground, and turns a fan on behind Claude)

Director: "Okay, Claude. Now!"

Claude: "Air Slash!"

Assistant: "Fans on HIGH!"

(fans start whirring)

Assistant: "Good! Now, set chain bombs off!"

(multiple explosions progressing toward Lizardaxes)

Lizardaxes: "Raw! Ork! Gyah!"

(fall dead)

Director: "Excellent. That's a wrap."

Claude: "Whee! Let's do that AGAIN!"

Assistant: "You moron. That move cost us $2,000 to pull off! Can't you just do your own? It's your first technique."

Claude: "Tech...nique?"

* * *

** Freckles**

(Saliva...errr..Salva--dang Claude!)

Claude: "Okay...so, we have a little child who's running around in circles as if legally insane, and an obvious alchoholic who is worried about some stinkin' frat party...well, I guess everything's normal then!"

Claude: "Heheheh...before I rescue poor little Rena, there's some fun to be done!"

Director: (sips some ale)

Claude: "Hey Yuki! I suppose your jam is still pretty up?"

Yuki: "Oh, is it ever!"

Claude: "Excellent. Methinks I'll take a look-see."

Yuki: "Go ahead, everything's fresh!"

(Shop Menu pops up)

Claude: "(Here I go)"

Claude: "Wow! This jam sure looks good! I think I'll buy...20 of this...20 of this...and...20 of this jam, too!"

Yuki: "Awsome! (_Finally, some sales! Now my boyfriend will stop beating me at night!_)"

Claude: "...okay, here's the FOL!"

(Claude extends the wad of cash toward Yuki)

Yuki: "Oh, thank you!"

(Claude quickly swipes it back to his pocket)

Claude: "NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! I DON'T WANT YOUR #$#& JAM, I GOT MORE CRAP TO SELL!"

Yuki: "Nooooooooooooo, not again!"

Claude: "Now let's see here...I'll just set the jam number back to 0...like so..."

Yuki: "(_...more bruises for me...life sucks!_)"

* * *

**

* * *

Obstacles**

(Salva Scene)

Claude: "Now I'll go to Sell, and let's see what you're gunna buy!"

Yuki: "I don't want any of your stinkin' stuff! Get outta here!"

Claude: "You don't have a choice, do you? Once I press Settle, you're done for."

Yuki: "He's...right..."

Claude: "Heeheehee...I'd like to sell 20 Useless Decorations, and 8 Necklaces, please."

Yuki: "No way! We already have 20 Useless Decorations, and for some odd reason nobody can hold more than 20 of anything!"

Claude: "Tsk, tsk, tsk!"

(presses Settle)

Yuki: "...FINE. TAKE YOUR CASH AN' GET THE HELL OUTTA MY SHOP!"

Claude: "Pleasure doing business with you. (walks out)"

(Director is standing outside of shop)

Director: "All right, you've had your fun, now head to that mansion NOW!"

Claude: "...I'm goin, I'm goin..."

(In front of mansion)

Claude: "Hmmm...the door's locked..."

Claude: "Well, I guess it's hopeless. It's not like I can just head for a side window or slash my way in, right?"

Claude: "...and I can't just go into the Saliva Drift and kill those poorly paid and poorly trained guards. I mean, it's not like I have enough strength, considering I have my measely Phase Gun that only destroys things at the molecular level."

Director: "(Just blast your way in, Claude...c'mon...it's not that hard...)"

Claude: "And I sure as heck can't pick up the KEY ON THE GROUND that says '**To the Mansion**' on it. That just doesn't make any sense now, does it?"

Director: "Claude, blast the door down!"

Claude: "OH! THAT'S THE MOST REASONABLE THING TO DO."

Director: "Be careful Claude. There may be some powerful enemies inside."

Claude: "No problem, D-man! In case you forgot, I spent well over 10 hours getting my Phase Gun's Proficiency to 999. Now, there's no way any monster can stand up to me."

(shoots Gun)

(giant blue explosion)

Claude: "Ha! Now that's breaking in with style!"

Claude: "!"

Claude: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, my Phase Gun's batteries ran out! Frickin' Energizer, that bunny's gunna get it when I get back to Earth!"

Director: "And after all that time we watched him gain max proficiency on it, too. What luck, what luck..."

* * *

**

* * *

**

**Straight Answers**

(Salva Mansion)

Claude: "Hey! Where's Rena!"

Old-aged Servant: "I---I--don't know."

Claude: "Bull-crap! Tell me! I didn't waste these Phase Gun batteries for nothing, loser!"

Servant: "Ahhh! Uhhh..ummm...I still don't know what you're talking about. There's no _secret entrance to the Salva Drift behind the bookcase in that room to your right_, in case you were wondering..."

Director: "(Somebody shoot him...)"

Claude: "You're probly right, old dude. Why the heck would there be a secret entrance to a Saliva Drift behind a bookcase? Since when do people have secret rooms behind a bookcase. I mean, that's way out of the ordinary. It's just so..."

_whap!_

Claude: "OW! Son of a...!"

Director: "Get going, Sherlock."

(Claude enters the room with the bookshelves)

Claude: "It's Rena's hairpin! I've never seen it before, or noticed it in her hair, but it's hers alright!"

Claude: "She can't be here. She must've disapperated."

Director: "It's 'disappeared', and she's beyond the _Secret Entrance Behind the Bookcase_. So, flip the switch and go."

Claude: "Silly goose, we can just pull the Bookcase out. Watch..."

(Claude frantically and embarrassingly starts to pull the case out of the way, but fails)

Director: whistles " ...like THIS." (flips switch)

(the passage is revealed)

Claude: "That smarts!"

Director: "Whatever..."

(Squall pops out of a BradyGames FFVIII Strategy Guide hidden in the bookshelf, reads the whole guide in a language unknown to man, starts dancing in bullet-time, then takes $50 from the Director, and retreats back to the guide, which mysteriously vanishes into a dark vortex of death)

Director: "Damn...I forgot to bring my shotgun with me..."

(Inside Demented Cathedral, where Rena and Alen are)

Claude: "Stop! There can be no marriage with a one-man party!"

Director: "(smacks himself)"

Alen-Tax: "What? Anyway, you are wrong...WE love each other dearly, and wish to be married...only soon to be divorced about a month later, which is to be expected of most marriages these days."

Claude: "You're right. Then what's the point?"

Alen-Tax: "...there is none. But do YOU have a good reason to rescue Rena? Huahuahuahuahua..."

Claude: "Heck, yeah, I do. Wanna hear it?"

Alen-Tax: "No..."

Claude: "Well, if you insist..."

Claude: (80s music plays) "_**I DO IT ALL FOR THE MONEY! YES ALL FOR THE MONEY! YUP, ALL FOR THE MONEY! YES, ALL FOR THE MONEY, 'CUZ MCDONALDS TREATS YOU RIIIIGHT**_!"

Alen-Tax: "You're too late! You cannot defeat me. As soon as the battle begins, I will be replaced with a hideous looking monster that is in no way linked to my health! Mwahahahahahahahah!"

Claude: "According to my script, it says you'll automatically return back to normal and injured after the battle! BEAT THAT!"

Director: "(Dangit, he revealed my plan. I was gunna blow Alen's legs off while Claude and Rena fought his mysterious double that in no way looks like him...)"

Alen-Tax: "WHAT! OH NOES, I'VE BEEN BETRAYED!"

Director: "Shoot. Things are gunna get ugly..."

Alen-Tax: "Well, Claude, you may be strong, but you have no idea what you're up against! You see this green stone within my hand? Sure, it LOOKS like a piece of the Sorcery Globe, but it is ACTUALLY the fabled 'Ultima' Materia! I'll kill you ALL!"

Claude: "Materia! Ultima! What do I do, Direc!"

Director: "...pray that Squaresoft's lawyers come and sue Alen to death...that's about it..."

* * *

**

* * *

**

**Hallelujah!**

Alen-Tax: "Forget my double-who-in-no-way-looks-like-me, You're dealing with me now, you THREE!"

(Battle Starts)

Claude: "Things'll work out...I think."

Director: (new voice samples) "...sucks to be me..."

Rena: "Heads up!"

(Everybody looks up)

Alen: "What? I don't see anything..."

Claude: "Rena, just what the $#$ are you thinking!"

Director: "..."

Rena: "Hey! It's not MY fault! I automatically make some stupid remark at the beginning of a battle!"

Alen: "Heeheeheehaha! No more games, time for ULTIMA!"

(long spell chant starting)

Director: "Quick, Rena! Interrupt him with Press!"

Rena: "Are you kidding me! I'm not gonna press myself against Alen!"

Director: groans "No, the spell!"

Rena: "?"

Director: "Shoot, you're at level 1. I forgot..."

Claude: "Should I move in and attack?"

Director: "Yes, damn you!"

Claude: "Heeya!"

Alen: "Ouchers! That was painful!"

(begins chanting again)

Director: "Attack again!"

Claude: "Gimme a break...I'm tired...phew!"

Director: "When you want something done, you'll have to do it yourself..."

Rena: "Hey, what's this? A...mandrake?"

Director: "Get ready, Alen, my Infinity Desperado KM will leave you crying. It guarantees at least 5 hits for 9999 damage!"

Director: "Die!"

Director: "?"

Director: "Oh, that's right. No shotgun..."

Rena: "Here, Mr.Director, maybe this'll help!"

(throws mandrake)

Director: "GAH!...ugh...stupid...see you in hell, Rena."

(dies)

Rena: "WHAT? It kills him? What's the point of having a Mandrake then?"

Claude: "...maybe for solo games..."

Rena: "Solo...games?"

Claude: "?"

Claude: "Geez, now I'm starting to go insane."

(long spell chant finally ends after 10 seconds)

Alen: "Hahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahhahahhaha! GO ULTIMA! Destroy them ALL!"

(nothing happens)

Alen: "?"

Claude: "Hahahahaaa! You forgot to earn the 5000 AP needed to USE it, sucker!"

Alen: "NOES! I'm screwed! The lawyers will be here any minute..."

(Squaresoft Lawyers Appear)

Lawyer: "You've directly violated a golden copyright that states **NO COPYING, WANABEE SQUARE **companies!"

Alen-Tax: "Ahhhhh! Stay away from me!"

Lawyer: "You will be terminated...to the full extent of the law..."

(heavenly music plays)

Alen-Tax: "Yeah, yeah, what're you gunna do to me you...?...!...WHAT'S...THAT!...IT'S...ENORMOUS!...HOW...DOES IT...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH , STOP! NO, MY LEG! IT'S GONE! MY FATHER'LL HAVE YER HEAD FOR THA------AAAAAUGGGHHH! URK! (slice drip)"

Lawyer: "Let that be a lesson to you, Enix. No one messes with Square...NO ONE."

(vanishes)

(dead silence)

Director: "What the heck was THAT!"

Claude: (sniff sniff) "It...killed...dear Alen!"

Rena: "...what'd you just say?"

Claude: "NOOOOOO! Come back Alen!"

Director: "He's just suffering from the trauma...anyway, anyone who stands up to Square is a hero in my book. I'll give him a moment of silence..."

(1 second later)

Director: "Moment's over! Rena, give Claude these pills and we'll be on our way! (whistles cheerfully)"

* * *

**Clarification**

(Salva Drift)

Rena: "Wait a tick...Mr. Director, how'd you come back to life already?"

Director: "I quickly changed the system to Chrono Cross's where if you die in battle, you'll come back to life with 1 HP when the battle's over."

Rena: "What about those lawyers? Shouldn't they be after you now?"

Director: "Nah, I switched back to our system so fast, they'd never notice."

Rena: "...meh."

* * *

**Aftermath**

**_Warning_:** This chapter contains a Chrono Cross SPOILER, so be warned...again.

(Arlia, after Alen Incident)

Regis: "So...Squaresoft's lawyers utterly murdered Alen..."

Claude: "Yup. Makes going on living seem pointless..."

Regis: "This is most unfortunate. Now we don't have any good reason for sending you out to investigate the Sorcery Globe."

Claude: "?"

Claude: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Regis: "Well, we were hoping that the stone that Alen possessed was a piece of the Sorcery Globe, so then we can give you a lame request for you to investigate it. But, it turns out that it was a materia, which is useless on this planet."

Claude: "Oh."

(silence)

Director: "..."

Rena: "Still, I think we should go check it out. What could we possibly do here in this rundown village?"

Regis: "Hey!"

Rena: "Uh...heheheh..just kidding!"

Claude: "Check what out, Rena?"

Rena: "The Sorcery Globe, Claude..."

Claude: "...oh."

(silence)

Director: "(More dead film, just great...)"

Claude: "I guess I can go see what this Sorcery Globe is all about. I mean, it's not as if there are people who placed it here intentionally to speed up the process of the colliding of this planet into a strong energy body, right?"

Director: "Uh...yeah, that's right..." (sweats)

Regis: "Wonderful."

Rena: "Wait! I'm coming with you."

Claude: "Why? Your heal spell sucks compared to even a Blueberry."

Rena: "I _know_ that. But all of a sudden, you don't seem to be such a bad person after all. I can't explain what I'm feeling, but I feel as if though I have to come with you. Like it's fate or something."

Claude: "But Serge and his friends destroyed FATE after they got into the room with the Frozen Flame..."

Rena: "Buh?"

_whap!_

Claude: "...YOW."

Director: "Psst! (The last thing we need is for Square's lawyers to find another excuse to kill us, so keep yer fat mouth shut!)"

Claude: "Ahahahaha! Never mind Rena! Oh, and when you come along, just do me one favor...never say 'Whatever'.

(Squall comes in through the chimney in a Santa Suit, says "Heeheehee" and "Ho ho ho", throws out random gifts to Claude and friends, including a limited edition Squall POG, takes $50 from Claude, then vanishes into thinly sliced air)

Claude: "Well there you go, now I'm broke." (sighs)

Rena: "What about that 3478 FOL you're carrying?"

Claude: "Worth squat to me...I can't even exchange it for any known currency."

Claude: "I mean, look at it! All it is is Monopoly money that has the word 'FOL' scribbled on it with a dry permanent marker."

Director: (shifty eyes) "..."

Regis: "My goodness, we have been fooled by an intergalactic con-artist!"

Rena: "Inter...galactick?"

Regis: "Man, what the $#!& have I been smoking?"

**End Part I. So how was it? Any review would be appreciated.  
**

* * *


	2. Quest for the Sorcery Globe starts

**Part II**

(World Map, just outside of Salva)

Claude: "So, Rena, where we headed?"

Rena: "Oh! We're to go to Cross. To get there, we need to..."

Claude: "STOP!"

Rena: "!"

(looks around)

Rena: "Huh?"

Claude: "Guys never take directions from girls. We do things ourselves, and usually get to our destination with little to no sidetracks."

Claude: "Onward, my loyal followers!"

Director: "(...Followers? Oh, right, we have to make sure he doesn't get killed...but wait, that's not necessarily a BAD thing...Hmmm...)"

Director: "Pssst! Camera dudes, c'mere."

Camera Crew: "Yeah?"

Director: "You know about the oath you guys swore to me in your application?"

Camera Dude #2: "Of course, it said 'I swear on my wife and children's life that I will not allow the actors to get killed on camera. If the actor should need help, I will gladly sacrifice myself to save him/her, whichever the case may be.'"

Director: "Yup, that's word-for-word. You have good memory, you'd make a good actor!"

Camera Dude #2: "Actually, I was reading it in front of your face, sir."

Director: "!"

Director: "Oh, yeah, I knew that! (nervously) Well, you can just tear that oath up. I've come to the realization that we can easily find better replacements for these chums."

Camera Crew: "Yay." (tearing commences)

* * *

**  
Decisions, Decisions**

(Outside of Salva, World Map)

Rena: "Well, Claude, lead the way then."

Claude: "Don't mind if I do!"

(starts journeying)

(Comes across a big fork in the road)

Claude: "Ggh?"

Rena: "What is it?"

Claude: "Which way should I go?"

Claude: "There's a castle in the north, on my left is a longer road, and on my right is a road that leads to a cavern of sorts."

Claude: "Which way to go..."

Rena: "We go n---"

Claude: "SILENCE!"

Rena: "(Stuck-up jerk...)"

Claude: "Eenee meenee minee Mo!" (points west)

Claude: "We go that-a-way!"

Rena: (smacks herself on the head)

(After long hours of walking and putting up with Claude's stupid 'morale chants'...)

Claude: (militaristically) "_**Left, Right, Left Right Left!**_"

Rena: "Claude, where on Urth have you taken us?"

Claude: "Ain't this band of mountains Cross?"

Rena: "NO! Cross is a castle-town!"

Claude: "Then where the #&!$ is a castle?"

Rena: "Don't you remember seeing that castle back there?"

Claude: "Oh, well, maybe if we cross these, we'll get to Cross via a different route!"

Rena: "...okay..."

(They enter the mountains)

Claude: "Hmmm...there are bound to be monsters in these mountains we're currently in. But, since this is only the beginning of an RPG, they can't be too strong."

_Battle Begins_

Claude: "Be careful!"

Rena: "Looks strong!"

Claude: "Better throw some spectacles at them!"

(starts chucking spectacles)

Mage: "OW! What the $#?& was that for? My eye! Agh!"

Claude: "Where's the monster data?"

Mage: "Things don't work that easily! Ow! You're dead!"

_Eruption chant_

Rena: "Ahhhhh! How do we counter?"

Claude: "Hmmmm...lemme think here..."

Rena: "Claude, use Air Slash!"

Claude: "What's that! Let me get **CLOSER **to you, then tell me!"

_walks right beside Rena_

Rena: "Claude, use Air Slash! NOW!"

Mage: "Too late...Eruption!"

_firey explosions and lava-gushing_

Claude: "Rena..."

_dies_

Rena: "Ashton!"

_dies_

Director: "Yes, they did it! Raises for all of you!"

Camera Crew: "All RIGHT!"

* * *

**w00t.**

(Mountains west of Cross)

Director: "Oh, yes. This is awsome."

Camera Dude #8: "It certainly is. Claude was giving me headaches the whole way here."

Director: "...You were the one who was against the whole 'Kill Claude Off' plan, weren't you?"

Camera Dude #8: "(Oh crap!)"

Assistant Director: "Yup, he definitely was."

Camera Dude #8: "How do you know it was ME! It could've been any one of these Camera Dudes! For Pete's sake, we all have the same SPRITE!"

Director: "He does have a valid point there."

Camera Dude #8: "I do?...oh, yes, I mean...I DO!"

Director: "You're sweating...Get him."

Camera Dude #8: "Hey...it's not me, I tell ya! It was...AHHHHHHH! NOT MY SUIT! NOT MY NEWLY WASHED, HOT PINK SUIT! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

(crew continues to harass poor Camera Dude #8---not in a perverted way, mind you)

(Two fun-filled hours later...)

Director: "Geez, how stupid was I? I shouldn't get so angry over a little thing like that."

Camera Dude #8: "..."

Director: "I think I'll let you off the hook."

Camera Dude: "!"

(Director drops rope, which was holding Camera Dude #8 over one of the mountain's cliffs via coatrack hook)

Camera Dude #8: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-----_SPLAT!"_

Director: "Hahaha! He was a funny little flunky, wasn't he?"

Camera Crew: "..."

Director: "What? Why aren't you laughing?"

Camera Dude #5: "Who's to say when you'll do that to one of us next! We have lives too you know!"

Director: (sweats) "Ummm...bah-guh..."

Random Camera Dude: "Those with power tend to abuse it!"

Director: "..."

(pulls out Colt .45)

_BANG!_

(Random Camera Dude drops dead instantly)

Director: "Okay, I think we've had just about enough of 'Insane Philosophy' for today. Now, who wants the extra pay that these two no longer 'need'?"

Camera Crew: "ME! ME! ME!"

Director: "(Heheheh...I still got it...no wonder I got all A's in 'Advanced Recruiting' and 'Reasoning'...)"

* * *

**Shoulda done that in the first place...  
**

(Mountains West of Cross)

Director: "Damn! I can't find any suitable replacements for Claude and Rena."

Assistant Director: "How many minutes are left on your cellphone?"

Director: "Now that you mention it, I'm down to my last minute and a half..."

Assistant Director: "Man, we're screwed. We are scheduled to pick up Ashton from the Salva Mine in about 5 days..."

Director: "His agent won't let him wait any longer?"

Assistant Director: "Yeah, and the others were getting pretty ancy, too."

Director: "Looks like we have to stick with these two."

(looks at Claude and Rena's rapidly decomposing bodies)

Assistant: "They're not 'aging' well. Rena's turning a little brown."

Director: "Any reviving crap?"

Assistant: "Funny Thief A had all our medicinal items, but he ran off a little while ago."

Director: "Rrrrgh, I hate those gutless deserters!"

Assistant: "Camera Dudes 11, 12, and 88 left as well."

Director: "88! We hired THAT many?"

Assistant: "No, they just seem to be able to inexplainably clone themselves."

Director: "What the #$!&'s going on around here?"

Director: "Well, let's start mixing up a bunch of crap. Start scouring the area for possible items to throw in the mix."

Assistant: "Will do."

(10 minutes later)

Assistant: "Here's what I got: 2 pairs of unwashed Camera Dude briefs, a moldy piece of cheese, 19 cents, 12,987 FOL, and a Zippo Lighter."

Director: "12,987 FOL? Shouldn't we save that for later?"

Assistant: "..."

Director: "..."

Both: "Naaaaaaahhhh!"

(Director and Assistant start mixing a bunch of crap, in hopes of creating some sort of revival item)

(30 vigorous minutes later...)

Director: "Phew! That took a lot out of me!" (pants)

Assistant: "Yes. (puff) Let's pray we got something good..."

(pulls out a strange glob of cream from the pot)

Assistant: "1-Up Pudding..."

Director: "It says 'This miracle pudding is so'...forget that. I'm gunna check the alternate description. 'Restores HP 100'..."

Assistant: "..."

Director: "Dangit, it doesn't say that it REVIVES!"

(shoves it in hot pot)

Assistant: "Let's throw this Flare Ring in the mix! I won it earlier by pushing a mage with a shard of glass pierced in his eye over this cliff."

Director: "Better than nothing. Go sir."

(tosses Flare Ring in)

Everyone: "..."

**BOOOOOOOOOM!**

_flames erupt_

Director: "Crap! Fire Drill everyone!"

(entire Crew scrams offa the mountain)

Assistant: "Sorry there."

Director: "...screw this, let's just take them to an Inn!"

* * *

**Interferon**

(At the Base of the Mountains in Cross)

(Director and Crew are tiredly dragging Rena and Claude's lifeless bodies toward the Inn in Cross)

Director: (huff puff wheeze) "Man, these crispy corpses are HEAVY!"

Assistant: _(George W. Bush) _"Phew! Indeed."

Director: "Huh?"

Camera Dude #2: "HA! You got BUSH'D!"

Assistant: "Curse that filthy author of these bloopers!"

Director: "Bloopers? THAT'S what this is?"

_smacks head_

MetalGearSolidBoy: (to himself) "Oh, CRAP!"

(MetalGearSolidBoy beams himself down from the sky, and is disguised as a 100-foot tall Metal Dragon with two huge cannons on his shoulder)

MetalGearSolidDragon: "What are you talking about? This ain't no blooper!"

Camera Dude #2: "Nice try, MGSB, but I can see your real feet under that Halloween costume."

MetalGearSolidDragon: "!" (looks down)

Director: "Just what the #!$&'s going on around here?"

Assistant: "My thoughts exactly. Explain, dragon-dude."

MetalGearSolidDragon: "There's nothing to explain. I'm not MGSB, I am...ummm..a Boss that you have to defeat! Rawr!"

Director: "_sigh_"

_Battle Starts_

(random Beginning of Battle Chatter starts)

Director: "This won't take long."

Assistant: "I LOVE you!" (_winks_)

Camera Dudes 1-94: "Let'th thpice things up a bit!"

MGSD: "Prepare for...umm..I mean...pRePaRe fOr TrOubLE!"

Camera Dude #45: "...and make it double!"

(Director pulls out his .45 again)

(shoots Camera Dude #45 in the foot)

MGSD: "Hahaha...die! My cannons will shred j00 up!"

(fires out Silly-String at party)

Camera Dudes: "Ahhh! Ack, Ick, get if offa us! He's invincible!"

_Camera Dudes 12-28 die from the Silly String_

_

* * *

_

**More BS**_  
_

MGSD: "What the...? Where are the explosive shells this bad boy was supposed to fire out?"

Director: "It's a C-O-S-T-U-M-E."

MGSD: "Well, sorry! I had to come up with something quick so that I could make you believe that I'm not the blooper writer, and that this isn't a blooper!"

Assistant: "That sentence you just stated was a RUN-ON! Hahahah, you're such a n00b."

MGSD: "AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGG!"

(swipes Assistant with Claws of Fate)

_2 damage_

Assistant: "Plastic Claws...how pathetic."

Director: "Desperado Unleashed!"

(blasts away with shotgun)

_45,893 damage_

MGSD: "Owww! Dang, why'd I make that attack so fricking STRONG!"

Director: (taunts) "This'll be over before you can say "Cut!"

Camera Dudes: "Camera COMBINE!"

(Camera Dudes combine to form Jujitsu Warrior of the Black Port of Tenue)

MGSD: "OH noes! The Jujitsu Warrior of the Black Port of Tenue!"

(_runs)_

Director: "Bosses can't just run away..."

(slits MGSD with knife)

MGSD: "No! My limited edition Pure Silver Tail! Now you've done it..."

(MGSD ascends into the sky)

Director: "Oh my (INSERT FAVORITE DEITY HERE)!"

Jujitsu Warrior of the Black Port of Tenue: "Heheh...you got CENSORED!"

Director: "What the !$&#? That's not a CUSS word!"

Assistant: "Say, where's MGSD going?"

Jujitsu Warrior of the Black Port of Tenue: "Wooooooow! Look up there! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...a Hell Servant!"

Director: "Holy Smokes! Run for your lives---Master Attack is far too strong, even though anyone can simply dodge it by running vertically!"

Jujitsu Warrior of the Black Port of Tenue: "Wait a tick...it's just MGSB in disguise again..."

Hell Servant: "Whatever..."

_Squall's eidolon forms out of the blue of the sky, gets filled with a mysterious liquid the Americans call 'Water', materializes into the real Squall, does the DanceOnAir Tech from Chrono Cross, crashes his Revolver into the Earth, cries 'Rinoa! Where art Thou!' several times, casts Angel Wing on himself, flies gracefully toward MGSHellServant, steals $50, then vanishes into selectively smaller pockets of air_

MetalGearSolidHellServant: "Son of a Flanigan!"

Director: "Awww, is the little afraid to cuss? Boo hoo."

Everyone: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

MGSHS: (cries) "Only one option left..."

Director! "No, not that!"

**This blooper has been deleted at the request of the original poster **-GameFAQs

* * *

(At the base of the what-cha-ma-call-it mountains) 

Director: "That was a complete waste of time."

Assistant: "Yeah, everything just blacked out for a second."

Director: "..."

Assistant: "Let's forget that the whole MetalGearSolidBoy thing ever happened. We need to get Claude and Rena to an Inn already."

Director: "You're right. Let's MOVE OUT!"

(Camera crew starts dragging the bodies along the path to Cross)

Assistant: "Hey, is it safe for them to be dragging the corpses all the way to Cross? There's like, a million pieces of broken beer bottles on the ground."

Director: (finishes drinking his Bud Light bottle, then smashes it on the path) "Say what?"

Assistant: "You know...I think you have a drinking problem..."

Director: "...the !$&# do you know! (Hic) I can quit any time, thank you very (Hic)!"

Assistant: "Geez, where'd you even get that 6-pack?"

Director: "Heheheh...you noticed, huh?" (lifts up shirt)

Assistant: (sweatdrop) "GUH!"

Director: "Yup, I've been working out a lot lately. They say a Director's job is getting more physically demanding by the month!"

Assistant: (notices Director's beer belly, but no abs) "Erm...umm...that's not what I meant."

Assistant: "I wanted to know where you got that 6-pack of Bud."

Director: "!"

Director: "Oh! That...ummm...I smuggled some from Mr. Hearn's fridge."

Assistant: "Hearn's of Arlia?"

Director: "Yup. Heheheh...I used to walk up to him and say, 'How's yer Hearnia doing!' Hahahahahah!"

Assistant: (monotonously) "Ha...ha...ha..."

Director: "Who asked you to laugh?"

_whap!_

Assistant: "..." (tear)

Director: (looks back) "Hey! How's Claude doing?"

Camera Dude #9: "He's getting teared apart, sir. Most of his right arm got shredded up about 2 miles ago."

Director: "Ugh...let's start sprinting to Cross. Those two stink."

(sprints rather quickly, possibly with intentions of abandoning his crew)

Assistant: "Hey, he's gunna try to lose us in Cross! AFTER HIM!"

(Camera Dude Stampede starts)

(Boy walks toward Director)

Boy: "Please, sir. I'm so hungry. Spare me a penny's worth of FOL?"

Director: (munch) "Here you go, kid!"

(hands him rotten apple core, then runs off)

* * *

**Alone**

(Path to Cross)

Boy: "...what a pathetic attempt at a cliche..."

(Camera Dude Stampede approaches)

Boy: "HEY! Gimme some FOOD!"

(Boy gets trampled by mindless drones)

Boy: "...wait 'til my old man hears about this..."

_vanishes_

(1 hour later)

Director: "Phew! (Wheeze!) Finally made it to Cross. (puff) Now, to find a good spot to hide from those idiots..."

(heads toward castle)

Castle Guard: "Whoah! Slow down there partner! It's 9:00, time for us to close the castle entrance."

Director: "No, Please! You gotta let me in! There's no where else for me to go!"

Castle Guard: "There's an Inn right next to you!"

Director: "I have Insomnia."

Castle Guard: "Try the bar."

Director: "I have Social Anxiety Disorder."

Castle Guard: "...the dark corner next to the church?"

Director: "Already taken by this freaky married couple that are acting quite inappropriately."

Castle Guard! "Now this I gotta see!" (scrams)

Director: "Heheh...sucker!"

(tries to squeeze through nearly-shut door)

Director: "Mmmph! Urgggg! Gfff, I can't get in!"

(Castle Guard returns)

Castle Guard: "You filthy liar! There wasn't any...HEY!"

Director: "Gosh darnit, I'm STUCK."

Castle Guard: "We can't risk having this door open even this much. Intruders will surely break in!"

Director: "What! Who can possibly (Ummph!) get in here!"

Castle Guard: "Ummm...did you forget that every monster out there is 2-D? They're as thin as paper!"

Director: "Then why the heck can't I get through, huh? ANSWER THAT."

Castle Guard: "You look suspiciously CG to me..."

Director? "Crap! I forgot that I was illegally imported here."

Castle Guard: "Que?"

Director: "(Great. Now I don't even know what I'm talking about. Who's the moron behind this joke-of-blooper?)"

Director: "(Blooper? What am I saying? Who...am I? URGHH!)"

MetalGearSolidBoy: "(Hmm...one percussion grenade...)"

(chucks grenade)

(grenade explodes)

Director: "Nguamph!"

_KO'd_

MetalGearSolidBoy: "...and he won't remember a thing...Heeheehee!"

* * *

**Farnam's hell**

(Cross, shrouded by romantic midnight moonlight)

(Ahhh...savor this nocturnal moment of peace, readers...)

Drunk: "(Hic!) Rrrrg...DIE YOU $!#&ing MOON!"

(chucks Apple Cider up in air, apparently aimed for the moon, but lands back on Drunk's head)

_CRASH!_ _tingle tingle_

Drunk: "Uuuuungggg..."

(passes out)

Director: (enters Tavern) "Well, this is a nice, friendly place."

(sips ale)

Bartender Homey: "Hey thar, bucko! No alcoholic beverages allowed!"

Director: "...hahaha, now that's a lame attempt at making me laugh..."

(gulps ale)

Bartender Homey: "No, I'm therious! We don't allow such drinks in MY bar!"

Director: "Helloooooo, this is a B-A-R."

Bartender Homey: "Hellooooo, read the S-I-G-N!"

_points_

"BY ORDER OF THE CHILD PROTECTION SOCIETY, ALCOHOLIC DRINKS ARE NOT TO BE DISPLAYED IN A POSITIVE MANNER IN ANY 'E' RATED AMERICAN GAME. CEASE AND DESIST ALL CONSUMPTION OF ALE, WHISKEY, RED STUFF, WINES, SHOTS, BEER, AND OTHER MANIFESTED FORMS OF SHEER WICKEDNESS. WE HAVE SENT ALL BARS ALTERNATIVE DRINKS WITH THE SAME SPRITES AS THE ALCOHOLIC ONES, EXCEPT THEY HAVE MORE KID-FRIENDLY NAMES, SUCH AS: ROOT BEER, APPLE CIDER, 'ISHIDAYA' TEA, SAMBAI TEA, BERRY JUICE, ETC..."

Director: "What the #!&$'s the point of a bar if you can't DRINK!"

Homey: "Thtop that, thilly! You can DRINK here, just not alcohol."

Director: "Explain this...why are there drunks in here if there's no alcoholic consumption allowed?"

Homey: "Pttht! (Do you know how long it would take produthers to redo all bar thenes?)"

Director: "WHY IS EVERYBODY TALKING TO ME AS IF THIS IS SOME SORTA GAME! I'M TRYING TO FILM AN RPG WITHOUT ALL YOU CRAZY PEOPLE SPREADING YOUR CHEAP PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE!"

Homey: "Okay, calm down there, we're here to help you. OH BOYTH!"

(Two rather buff Gorilla Things come out of nowhere, handing out flowers to drunks in the meantime)

Drunk: "Awwww, wook at deh pwetty fwower!" (rips it up)

Gorilla Thing 1: "...RwARRRRRRR!"

Drunk: "Heheh...nice Gorilla thing...nice little..AHHHHHH! MY ARM! CRACK AUUUGH! NO MORE! UNO! UNO! I SAID UN..."

_snap_

Director: breathes heavily "Oh...crap."

Homey: "Thshow thith man out, will you pleath?"

Director: "Man, where's a Phase Gun when you need one..."

_BOOT!_

Director: "Oof!"

(rubs rear to ease pain emanating from it)

Thing 2: "Rwarwaheeheerwa!"

(closes bar door)

Director: "Lousy Cat-In-The-Hat Rip-Offs... grumbles...Thing 1 and Thing 2...HA!"

(the _Cheers_ themesong starts playing in the bar)

Director: "(hums along with tune)"

* * *

**Reunited**

(Cross, outside of Bar)

Director: "Not even a bar will take me in. I need a place to crash..."

Assistant: "THERE you are!"

Director: "Whoop-dee-do...now what do you want?"

Assistant: "We gotta get Claude and Rena to an Inn. Some flies have laid eggs in Claude's torn up arm."

Director: "...bet he's a devil with the 'babes'. Hahaha...GET IT?"

Assistant: "Actually, I don't seem to comprehend what you're implying..."

Director: "Flies have laid eggs in his arm, and soon they will hatch into babes. It's implying that he's a devil with the babes, y'know? It has a double meaning, HAHAHAHAHA!"

Assistant: "Okay, no more Vodka for you..."

(maggots start feasting on Claude's flesh)

Camera Dude #145: "Oh no, they're eating him alive!"

Director: "He's been DEAD for almost 10 hours, Jango."

Assistant: "Let's get to the Inn already!"

(heads for Rachel's Inn)

Rachel: (stares at Director) "Heheheh...hey there, handsome. My name's Rachel, but YOU can call me 'Aunt Rachel'. Ooooohh..."

Director: "(Ugh, she's worse than my fifth ex...)"

Rachel: "Come again?"

Director: "Huh? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all..."

Director: "Gimme a room."

Rachel: "Well, it just so happens that there is one room left..."

Director: "Good, I'll take..."

Rachel: "...MY room."

Director: gags "No. Just, no..."

Rachel: "Hah, I guess you're not sleeping here tonight. And believe me, there isn't another place to stay for miles."

Director: "At least let these two stay here for the night."

(points to Claude and Rena, long dead)

Rachel: "Ewww, gross! This isn't the morgue! Get them out of here!"

Director: "Whaddaya mean! Inns are supposed to fully recover anyone after one night of rest!"

Rachel: "Look, maybe where you come from, things work out that easily. But this is REALITY. Come back to it."

Director: "You call this reality? Look at this!"

Rachel: "FOL?"

Director: "Pure 100 percent Monopoly money. Lady, this ain't reality. Now, give them a room before my 12-Gauge starts talkin."

Rachel: (glances) "Wha? I-is that RENA!"

Director: "Uh, yeah..."

Rachel: "Oh my Tria!"

Director: "I'd ask you not to take the name of your lord in vain, please..."

Rachel: "All right. I'll give you a room."

Rachel: "Take your pick. We've got 18 rooms available."

Director: "(hits himself in the face)"

Camera Crew: "Yo, let's split up into groups of 18, then share each room."

Director: "...I'm not paying for 18 rooms. You guys can all sleep in the 'Hombre Pobre' room."

Camera Crew: "..."

Director: "What? You guys are as space-efficient as Tetris blocks!"

* * *

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, They're Back!**

(Cross Inn)

Director: (yawns) "Huaah...I feel like I've only slept for 5 seconds..."

Assistant: "I know what you mean. First I black out, then I hear some funky music, then I wake up, and suddenly it's morning."

Director: "...I hate this planet."

(hides under blankets)

Director: "So...how's Claude and Rinoa?"

Assistant: "You mean Claude and Ranma?"

Director: "...Who cares? Are they awake?"

(Claude rushes into the room)

Claude: "Goooooooooooooooood Morning!"

(jumps on top of Director's bed)

Director: "Ooooff! G...g...get the #&!$ offa me!"

Claude: "Fine, fine. I just thought you'd be happy to see that I'm doing GRR-RR-EAT!"

Director: "...think you've had enough Frosted Flakes yet?"

Claude: "No, Tony the Tiger says I need more."

(looks to his right)

Claude: "Isn't that right, Tony?"

Imaginary Friend Tony: "Yup. And remember kids...Fire is your friend."

Claude: "Oh boy, FIRE! Wheee!"

Director: _sweatdrop_ "(Who's he talkin' to? I don't see anyone...)"

Rena: "Sup Direc?"

Director: "Uh, what up with you?"

Rena: "When we moving on to the Castle? Claude's been driving me crazy all morning. Next time, you're sleeping in the same room as him, not me."

Director: "Look, do you want to get paid or what?"

Rena: (sighs) "Ugh, fine. But remember, you promised me 10 percent of the profits."

Director: "Yeah, sure." (rolls eyes back)

_-2 Friendship Points between Director and Rena_

Assistant: "Umm..umm...Mr. Director? I thought you might want this..."

(hands Director a can of Miller Light)

_+58 Romance Points between Director and Assistant_

Claude: "Hey Tony, need your back scratched?"

Tony (as Kool-Aid Man): "Ohhhhh yeeaahhh..."

(starts scratching Imaginary Friend Tony's untangible fur)

_+2,458,989 Romance Points between Tony and Claude_

Rena: "Claude, what the #$!& are you flailing your arms around for?"

(continues to scratch Imaginary Tony's back)

Rena: "Geez, whatever..."

**_Squall sends his astrophysical projection to the Inn, starts break dancing on Rachel's head, shouts "w00t w00t!", eats Camera Dude #73, pours Fairy Dust in his hair, runs around like a complete idiot, recites the names of every President in Pakistan, uses psychic powers to extract $50 from Rena's purse, then explodes into thin air_**

Everyone: "..."

_-1 Friendship Point between Rena, Squall, and a mysterious little gnome known only as The Little Man From Peru_

* * *

**To Be Continued----someday/month/year!**


	3. Cross Castle and a New Friend

**Part III**

(Outside of Inn in Cross)

Claude: "Ah! Fresh air at last!"

(inhales deeply)

(wheezes, coughs)

Claude: "Holy crap! This air is like, well, crap!"

Rena: "It's a castle town, what did you expect?"

Claude: "A what now?"

Rena: "A castle town."

Claude: "I don't see a castle anywhere..."

Rena: "It's right there."

Claude: "Where?"

Rena: "There!"

Claude: "Huh?"

Rena: "THERE!"

Claude: (looks) "Oh, a CASTLE town. Now I get it."

Director: "(How can a blonde like him be THIS dumb? Wait, that's a contradiction in itself...)"

Rena: "C'mon, we gotta get an audience with the King."

Claude: "Why would the King need an audience? He needs some attention?"

Rena: "No, an audience, as in a meeting with the King."

Claude: "Okay, I am officially confused."

Rena: "Let's go, genius."

Claude: "Will do."

(Alleyway that leads to Castle)

Mysterious Three-Eyed Man: "Excuse me..."

Claude: "Whoah! Check it out Rena, it's a circus freak!"

Mysterious Three-Eyed Man: "...Let me through."

Claude: "One condition."

Three-Eyed Man: "What?"

Claude: "Entertain me."

Three-Eyed Man: "What?"

Claude: "Y'know, do one of your freak show acts. I just LOOOOVE circus folk."

Three-Eyed Man: "I'm not from a circus! I'm a famous archaeologist."

Claude: "It's okay, it's not shameful to admit who you are. I treat freak show people with as much dignity as I treat anybody."

Director: "(In other words, not much...)"

Three-Eyed Man: "Get out of my way, primitive Expellian!"

(pulls out Firefly RA-87)

Rena: "What the heck is THAT supposed to be?"

Claude: "Dude! Where'd you get that gun?"

Three-Eyed Man: "If you must know, I purchased it off of eBay's Illegal Goods section..."

Claude: "Gotta love eBay. Idiot-proof buying and selling."

Three-Eyed Man: "Huh? How do you know all this!"

Rena: "Claude?"

Claude: "Well, you see..."

Three-Eyed Man: "Forget that, LET...ME...THROUGH!"

(shove)

Claude: "Ow!"

Three-Eyed Man: "Oh, and by the way, if you see a Three-Eyed Woman looking for me, tell her to blow off. It's her fault that I'm stuck on this planet!"

(runs off)

(comes back)

Three-Eyed Man: "And don't you DARE try to follow me into the Mountain Palace northeast of here."

(runs off)

(comes back)

Three-Eyed Man: "...And don't bother trying to find me in the Hoffman Ruins."

(runs off)

(comes back)

Three-Eyed Man: "...Vote John Kerry for U.S. Presidency."

(runs off, hopefully for the last time)

Claude: "Well, that was pointless AND humor-less."

Rena: "Who writes this stuff, anyway?"

Director: "(whistles)"

* * *

**Troubles with the Government**

(Cross Castle)

Claude: "Meh...I've seen better castles on Disney movies."

Rena: "Would you stop talking nonsense? None of us get what you're saying. What the $#!& is a move-ee?"

Claude: "...If we end up paired together when this is all over, I'm gunna show you what the word 'entertainment' is all about. Three words...D-V-D."

Director: "(Big _if_ there...)"

Rena: "Ah, let's head to the reception desk."

Receptionist: "This is the Reception desk for Tax Payments."

Rena: "(sweats)"

Claude: "Uh, wrong desk. Seeya!"

Receptionist: "Hold it right there."

Claude: "Uh-oh..."

Receptionist: "Never seen you before. What's your name, and where do you hail from?"

Claude: "Claude Kenni's the name, and I'm from...uh...guh..duh...shuh..."

Rena: "...Arlia, sir. He's from Arlia."

Receptionist: "Hmmm...Arlia, eh?"

Claude: "Uh, yeah."

Receptionist: "Arlia...Claude Kenni...hmmm...Arlia...Kenni..."

Rena: "Just what are you doing?"

Receptionist: "Okay, Claude, it seems that you have been evading your taxes for...19 years now."

Claude: "WHAT!"

Receptionist: "Let's see...19 years times 2050 FOL a year equals..."

Claude: "Crap, crap, CRAP..."

Receptionist: "You owe the Kingdom of Cross 38,950 FOL. Would you like to make the full payment now, or wait for the Tax Enforcement Agency to crack down on your #$&?"

Claude: "Uh...the second one sounds much better."

Receptionist: "All righty then..." (starts writing)

Receptionist: "There, I have you down for Tax Dodger. You will be given a one day head start before our Agents start looking for you."

Claude: "Wow, that's very generous of you."

Receptionist: "Actually, the Agency loves this stuff. After 24 hours of becoming a Tax Dodger, you will be considered a Continental Threat. Once that happens, they can bring you in...dead or alive."

Claude: "And just how strong are these Agents?"

Receptionist: "During our last Census, several of them put down that their levels were in their 50's."

Claude: (nervously) "Oh, that's not very high...heheheh."

Receptionist: "Of course, that Census took place 5 years ago. They've been training in the Hoffman Ruins lately. I heard that one of them can kill a Salamander in one blow."

Claude: "I'll...just be leaving now..."

(scrams away from the castle)

(Rena grabs Claude)

Rena: "Stop, Claude, we still need an audience with the King."

Claude: "RENA, I'M GONNA GET SLAUGHTERED! I CAN'T EVEN SUCCESSFULLY PERFORM A SINGLE AIR SLASH!"

Director: "(chuckles)"

Rena: "We have a full 24 hours of time left, right? I'm sure you can get to Level 80 or something by then...there's no way they can beat you."

Receptionist: "Oh, by the way, I think one of our bad boys is equipped with a weapon called a _Kenni Slayer_. What a coincidence, eh?"

Claude: "..."

Claude: "AAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!111shift+11!"

(runs)

* * *

**The Reception Desk...OF DOOM!** (Cross Castle) 

Receptionist Number 2: "This is the Reception Desk for Audiences with the King."

Claude: "Oh, good. We've looked forever for you."

Receptionist 2: "Umm, you only looked for a second..."

Claude: "SILENCE NUMBER 2! I will not tolerate your insolence!"

Receptionist 2: (sniff) "O-o-okay man. Sorry."

Rena: "(Claude, don't be such an idiot.)"

Claude: "Pfft, he started it..." (pouts)

Rena: "Yes, we'd like to meet with the King ASAP."

Receptionist 2: "Oh, so you want to see King Asap, huh?"

Rena: "If that's possible..."

Receptionist 2: "And I'm betting you want to have a chat with Queen BLGurt as well?"

Rena: "N-no...what are you talking about?"

Receptionist 2: "This is just a guess, but I ASSUME that you want to see Prince Maieori, too!"

Claude: "Yeah, I always WANTED to meet him!"

Director: "(Claude, you're not helping...)"

Receptionist 2: "Okay, I guess an audience can be arranged. Heheheh..."

Claude: "Kewl."

Receptionist 2: "Take a right here, then go left, then go up until you find some sort of a rat-like creature, then go left again, then right, then down 4 steps, up to the wall-like area, take a hard right, then go through the door that should be in front of you. The King, Queen, and Prince should all be there."

Claude: "Thanks, you're very good with directions."

Receptionist 2: "Meh, I have a knack for it..."

(Claude starts following Receptionist's absurd directions)

Rena: "Uhh, bye Claude..."

Director: "That son of a submariner! He's never been exposed to sarcasm, has he?"

Rena: "...the #&$! are you asking me? You've known him longer than me."

(Meanwhile...)

Claude: "(Let's see, go left, then right, then up, then down, then press A, B, and Start!)"

(is confused)

Claude: "(Shoot, that was a code for invincibility for a NES game!)"

Claude: "Ah, heck, this must be the place!"

(opens door)

Voice: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Claude: "..."

Claude: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!shift+11!11!"

(leaves, then shuts door)

Claude: "(Claude, you just HAD to pick the door with the silhouette of a _woman _on it, didn't you?)"

* * *

**Reverance to Royalty**

(Cross Castle, unreachable Restroom Area)

Princess: "May I help you?"

Claude: (startled) "WHOAH!"

Princess: "I-I'm sorry. Are you Claude?"

Claude: Ahem! (deep voice) "What's it worth to you, baby?"

Princess: (sweatdrop) "Uh, Miss Rena and some odd-looking people are waiting for you in my father's throne room..."

Claude: "Throne room? Where?"

Princess: "From here, go up, left, down, right, right again, then left, then up-right, then go up."

Claude: "O-kaaaay..."

(starts going up)

Princess: "I'm sure he'll find his way there."

(notices that Claude is only walking in circles now)

Princess: (sigh) "Okay Claude, just follow me instead..."

Claude: "Oh boy, PIGGY-BACK!"

Princess: "Piggyback? What's a Piggyback? A monster! Where?"

Claude: "Oh, your so sillllly!" (jumps on her back)

Princess: "Augh! Stop this at once!"

Claude: "Giddy-yap!"

Princess: "Ugh, you weigh a metric ton!"

Claude: "Go, go, GO!"

Princess: "(Remember what Mother used to say...be nice, be polite, help those inferior to you, only marry for money, blah blah blah.)"

(starts the painful march to the Throne Room)

Claude: "WHEEE!"

(Throne Room, 20 minutes later...)

Rena: "Goshdangit, where's Claude?"

King of Cross: "Is that fellow always like this?"

Rena: "You don't know the half of it..."

Claude: "Hey guys!"

Director: "Claude! WHERE THE $!#& HAVE YOU BEEN?"

Claude: "That Princess started to give me a piggyback ride, but then she fell to the floor and stopped moving. I whacked her a couple of times to try to get her moving, but then I gave up. So, how've you----"

King of Cross: "WHAT? MY DAUGHTER! Where is she?"

Claude: "Over thar." (points)

King of Cross: "You turd of a bass! You've killed my daughter!"

Director: "...daughter In-Law, thank you very much..."

(everyone heads toward the Princess)

Rena: (chanting) "Heal!"

Princess: (cough cough)

King of Cross: "Oh, you're ALIVE! Thank the great heavens!"

Princess: "...margarita, please..."

King of Cross: "..."

King of Cross: "After you've finished making me my dinner."

* * *

**The Big Cheese**

(Throne Room in Cross)

King of Cross: "Tell me, Rena, why have you come?"

Rena: "Your Majesty, we are investigating the Sorcery Globe---"

King of Cross: (interrupting) "REALLY! What did you find out?"

Rena: "No, no, we haven't officially started yet. We've come to find out what you already know about it."

King of Cross: "Oh, then you're just like the others."

Rena: "Others?"

King of Cross: "Yeeeeaaaah, all I've ever been getting in my audiences are people claiming that they are going to be investigating the Sphere of Sorcery. They ask for funds, I give them some, and the next day I see them living out their lives like normal! Dang thieves! I HATE THEM ALL!"

Royal Guard: "Calm yourself, your excellency. There's no need to be so---"

King of Cross: "You're just like the others, too! Just last night you asked me to give you a raise so you can provide for your family. YOU DON'T EVEN _HAVE _A FAMILY! URGAAAAH!"

Royal Guard: "...I'll show myself out."

(leaves)

Rena: "Your Majesty, please stop."

King of Cross: "..."

Rena: "If it will soothe your heart, we won't ask for any money."

Claude: "But Reeeeeeeena!"

_slap!_

Claude: "Krgh! Ow. Okay, I'll shut up."

King of Cross: "Well good. I'm sick of giving away my money. It's not like I'm a very rich person, after all..."

Everyone: "..."

King of Cross: "Very well, what would you like to know?"

**1) Is the Atkins diet safe?  
2) What are the Princess' measurements?  
3) Bob Barker is old. Are YOU?  
4) Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Por Que?**

Rena: (sweatdrop)

King of Cross: "Well, hurry it up, I haven't got all day."

Claude: "Number two seems interesting----OWW!"

Rena: "You just shut your face, k?

Claude: "Can I have your measurements though?"

Rena: "Mr. Director, please get him to be quiet."

Director: "Yes ma'am."

(shoves blue pill down Claude's throat)

Claude: (dazed) "Woooooooooooooow! Peakin'!"

Rena: "Your Majesty, we need to know about the Sorcery Globe, not this...useless information."

King of Cross: "Useless, eh? If you die from eating low-carb goodies, DON'T COME TO ME FOR HELP!"

Rena: "How can I come back to you if I'm dead?"

King of Cross: "Whatever."

**_(Squall gets summoned by the mighty Toa of Darkness, flies into the air like a golden eagle without feathers, buys himself a new pocket watch, slits his wrists with his gunblade, eats a few nachos and cheese, promotes The Village to several well-known prospectors, digs up Darwin's corpse, throws the corpse into the ocean, teleports to Cross Castle, steals $50 from the King, then vanishes into thin air.)_**

King of Cross: "Wait, where'd that $50 come from? All I have is FOL."

Jackie Chan: "C'mon now, King. This world doesn't have to make sense. Just look at me! w00t w00t!"

Uncle: "Jackeeeeeeeeee! Time for you to give Uncle a bath!"

Jackie Chan: (shudders, then disappears)

* * *

**Missed Opportunity**

(Throne Room in Cross)

King of Cross: "No, wait, come back Jackie Chan!"

Rena: "Uh...your Majesty? Who's Jackee Chan?"

King of Cross: "Didn't you just see him? He was telling me funny things!"

Rena: "Well, you were staring stupidly at that wall for a few seconds."

King of Cross: "M-maybe there's a door hidden in that wall."

(crashes into wall)

King of Cross: "Ow. That didn't go so well."

Rena: "My king, you must tell me all you know about the Sorcery Globe now!"

King of Cross: "Oh, you're still here?"

Rena: "..."

King of Cross: "Very well, I shall tell you what I know."

King of Cross: "The Sorcery Globe was a meteorite that crashed into the continent of El. It is roundish in shape, and it made a loud noise when it hit the earth. BOOM! Then, stuff started happening. Earthquakes, Volcanoes, even Tornadoes started to rage through parts of this planet. Reminds me of _The Day After Tomorrow_...did you see that one? I liked all of the actors in that one. Who was your favorite actor?"

Rena: "I never saw it, nor do I comprehend what you're saying. Is that ALL you know about the Sorcery Globe?"

King of Cross: "More or less, yes."

Rena: "..."

Director: "..."

Claude: (dazed) "1 + 1 9!"

Rena: "(What a waste of time...)"

Rena: "Thank you, your Majesty."

(curtsies)

Claude: (dazed) "Yuppers. Than-kyu!"

(also curtsies)

King of Cross: "(Okay, that is just WRONG.)"

King of Cross: "You're welcome, I guess."

King of Cross: "Take this."

_Received 1000 FOL!_

Rena: "Your Majesty!"

King of Cross: "Now, now, my dear. This isn't pay, it's to send that boy there to a Gender Identification Therapy Group. Teach him to bow like a man, or something."

Rena: "I'll try, your Majesty. Goodbye."

(leaves the Throne Room)

Rena: "Geez Claude, you do idiotic things even while drugged!"

Claude: (dazed) "Hee hee hee hi da hoe!"

Rena: "Well, let's be on our way."

Director: "Rena, did you just forget to ask the King for a Passport to El?"

Rena: "..."

Rena: **"D'OH!"**

**

* * *

**

**Not Again...  
**

(Cross Castle)

Receptionist: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

Rena: "We need to have another audience with the King, please."

Receptionist: "Uh, this is the Reception Desk for Tax Payments..."

Rena: "What the #$!&? You two switched places on me!"

Receptionist: "Any NORMAL person can easily distinguish between us."

Director: "(Yeah. You're the dumba--)"

Claude: "Don't bother arguing with him, Rena. We all know that further conversing with him will only lead to paragraphs of worthless chatter."

(everyone stares at Claude)

Claude: "...what? Even an idiot like me could figure that out."

Director: "Signs of intelligence at the most pointless of times..." (sigh)

Rena: "Wow. You are making sense today, Claude. Let's just move on to the next Receptionist without further adue."

Receptionist 2: "May I help you?"

Rena: "Yeah, we need to----"

Receptionist 2: (interrupting) "One moment please. Could you all turn around for a few seconds?"

Rena: "...if that's what it takes to get an audience." (turns around)

Director: (turns around) "Wait a tick, now the Camera Crew can't film us."

Camera Dude #2874-B: "Ooooh, wook at all da pwetty walls."

(starts zooming in on a bland, white wall)

(squeals in delight)

Receptionist: "Okay, you can turn around now!"

Claude: "Whee! That was uber! Let's do that again sometime."

Rena: "I'll pass."

Receptionist: "Yeeeeeeeeeeees?"

Rena: "We need to get another audience with the King. Immediately, if at all possible."

Receptionist: "(grins)"

Receptionist: "Uh, this is the Reception Desk for Tax Payments..."

Director: "YOU #&?$&#$! YOU SWITCHED AGAIN!"

Camera Dude #345: "(Ah, gotta film this! I could make my own documentary. 'When Director's Go Mad' Vol.8...)"

Receptionist: "If you have a problem with the way we operate, then please put a comment in our suggestion box."

Director: "Where the heck is your suggestion box?"

Receptionist: "Down yonder."

(points to a steel barrel for some reason...)

* * *

**Constructive Criticism  
**

(Reception Room in Cross Castle)

Claude: "How long will it take you to accept suggestions?"

Receptionist: "We respond to complaints within one minute of your suggestion drop-off."

Director: "I'll take care of this right away..."

(scribbles down some complaints, using sentences primarily composed of the f-word)

Rena: "Psst! (Don't you think there's a little too much cussing in that?)"

Director: "(I know what I'm doing. Low-lifes like them need a little spice in their letters, anyhow.)"

Claude: "HEY! You wrote that letter on Alen's Portrait of Rena!"

Rena: "I definitely wouldn't miss it. Just look at it. I am NOT that fat! And why did he give me elf ears? Plus, that smile is all wrong."

Claude: "..."

Claude: "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently?"

Rena: "No, why?"

Claude: "No reason..."

Director: "(Heheheh...she is going to die when she sees herself in the Field of Intelligence.)"

(drops comment in the suggestion box)

Receptionist: "Thank you for sharing your opinions with the suggestion box. We will take care of this immediately."

(walks up to suggestion box)

(tosses a miniature Flare Bomb into it)

(flames flare up, hence the name Flare Bomb)

Rena: "Hey! That was uncalled for!"

Receptionist: "Incorrect. This is just how I traditionally respect other people's opinions."

Claude: "(Rena, I think he's the Tax Receptionist. Let's hurry to the other dude and ask for an audience.)"

Rena: "Go!"

(sprints toward Reception Desk)

Rena: (huff puff) "I'd like to schedule another audience with the King, please."

Receptionist 2: "That won't be a problem."

Everyone: "..."

Receptionist 2: "But..."

Receptionist 2: "...this is the Reception Desk for Tax Payments..."

Director: "**SON OF A**------"

_WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES RIGHT NOW, SO THE CURRENT PROGRAM WILL BE TERMINATED. THANK YOU._

_

* * *

_

**Drastic Measures.**_  
_

(Cross Castle, dangit!)

Director: "All right, you annoying little potheads, let us see the King NOW. Or...expect to come home to your wife and kids with holes through your scrawny bodies."

Receptionist: "I don't have a wife."

Director: "Rrrrgh, geez, that's NOT THE POINT! Just arrange an appointment with your precious ruler before I have to reload on your butts."

Receptionist 2: "How can you reload what you haven't shot?"

Director: (cocks shotgun) "Watch me."

Claude: "Oh, this is gunna be so cooooool."

Rena: "Ugh, can't watch." (closes eyes)

Receptionist: "STOP! Okay, okay, we'll do it. We was just having some funs, that's all..."

Director: (puts away gun) "Good boy. Claude and Rena, hurry this up."

Claude: "No problem, d00."

(Throne Room)

King of Cross: (moans) "NOW what?"

Claude: "We need to get a Passport to the letter **L**, please."

King of Cross: "Sorry, but I banned the alphabet two years ago. It's just too damn annoying! O looks the same as 0, P makes little kids laugh their pants off, and Q causes some ruler of the time/space continuum to appear."

Claude: "Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Oh, you're just killing me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YOU SAID **PEE**! OMGOSH MAN! LOLZ!"

Q (ruler of the time/space continuum): "Why has your primitive self summoned me? I'm a very busy Q. I was just starting to enjoy my time at Daytona Beach's festivities."

Everyone: "(shocked and confused)"

Claude: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA! **PEE, PEE, PEE**! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAUG!"

Q: "I see. He's the problem, correct?"

(snaps fingers)

Claude (is Silenced): "..."

Q: "Now, if you excuse me, I have a special game of volleyball to play. Cheers."

(snaps fingers, and instantly vanishes)

Director: "(Oh man, I wish I could've hired him to replace Claude...)"

* * *

**About Time**

(Throne Room in Cross, AGAIN...)

Rena: "THAT...was weird."

King of Cross: "THAT...was precisely what I meant by annoying! Now, what in the world do you want from me again?"

Rena: "We need a Passport to the Continent of El, your Majesty."

King of Cross: "Oh, is that all?"

Rena: "Yup."

Claude: "...! ...!"

King of Cross: "Take one, they're right in that box next to those free EOL Version 9.0 (Optimized) Trial Discs."

Rena: "How convenient..."

(takes a Passport)

King of Cross: "Expel Online...BAH! That's the last thing I need to waste time on."

Director: "(Expel Online? They have INTERNET here? Woo hoo!)"

Director: "Yo! Where can I find a computer?"

King of Cross: "I don't know what a com-pewter is, but if you're looking for pewter, you'd better check with Mr. Poo's Pewter Shop on King Street."

Rena: "King Street? Oh, next to Royal Lane?"

King of Cross: "Ex-Actly."

Director: "Son of a Baggins! What do you use those discs for then?"

King of Cross: "We haven't found out any use for them yet. A Three-Eyed Man came in here and sold us a bunch of these for 1.1 million FOL. He said they were magical, and I thought that they were so SHINY! (giggles) So, one thing lead to another and, well, I bought the whole set."

Director: (inspects discs closely) "Hey, these are just William Hung CDs!"

Director: "(Hmmm, they were selling those for only 10 cents a copy at Planet Napster...why didn't I think of selling this crap to undeveloped planets? Best. Scheme. Ever.)"

Claude: "..."

Rena: "Would you pipe down, Claude? We're having an adult conversation here. If you really want to make yourself useful, then go and grab us a few more Passports. We can sell those for extra FOL later on."

Claude: "..."

(starts stuffing himself with Passports)

Rena: "Good day, your Majesty."

King of Cross: "Psssh! Suck-up. You don't have to treat me any different from anybody else."

Rena: "I'll keep that in mind. Bye."

(walks out)

Director: "Let's go, Claude."

(starts heading out)

King of Cross: "HOW DARE YOU NOT SHOW RESPECT TO ME! I am your god!"

Director: "You just told Rena to..."

King of Cross: "SILENCE! ALL SHALL BOW TO MY SUPERIOR SOMETHING-SOMETHING. YOU SHALL PAY THE PRICE BY...ah, forget get it. Just get outta here."

Director: "Will do..."

* * *

**Side Quest, or Side Tracked?**

(Cross Town)

Claude: "So, where we headed next?"

Rena: "According to the script, Clik."

Claude: "You use the script?" (muffled laugh)

Rena: "I try to stay on par with it as much as possible, but most of the time the rest of you screw it all up."

Claude: "Okay, then, what's your next line?"

Rena: "Lemme see here..."

Rena: (reading from the script) "Oh, Claude! You're soooooooo cool! _(Now, hug Claude)_ Mmmm, umm, oh Claude, you're so well-built. You work out? _(Proceed to make out with Claude)_."

Rena: "...what the #&!$?"

Director: "Yeah, well, you guys were supposed to swear your love for each other the day Claude saved you from Alen."

Claude: "Whoah, I don't kiss girls. That's just WRONG."

Everyone: "..."

Claude: "No no no, it's not THAT. I just don't think I'm old enough to be participating in such...mushy stuff."

Rena: "You're 19!"

Claude: "...still a teen."

Director: "Drop it, Rena. He obviously won't be reaching any form of maturity in the near future."

Director: (cough cough) "CLAUDE-IS-A-PATHETIC-WUSS!" (cough cough)

Claude: (cough cough) "BBQDKHDOEHOFHEOHEISYENXM!" (cough cough)

Director: "..."

Rena: "All right, you two, stop fighting. We'd better get going."

Claude: "Fighting? I thought me an' the Direc were competing!"

Director: "Pssh! Whate...(Oh shoot)..."

Some Random Guy: "...ver?"

_**(Squall free-falls to the earth with the force of an atomic blast, bakes cookies for 12 highly respected men from Macadamia, goes deer-hunting for around twelve minutes, equips a Brigandine, dances around with it, unequips it, casts Berserk on Barney and Friends, sprints towards the Director's wallet, steals $50, then vanishes into thin air.)**_

Director: "YOU SON OF A $#&!#! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Some Random Guy: "Oh &$#!."

(runs)

* * *

**Wizard and the Sorceress**

(Cross Town, THE CHASE)

Director: GAAAAAAAAHHHH! YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!"

Some Random Guy: "Try and find me now."

Director: (looks around, and sees nothing but random people)

Director: "You're lucky today, but I'll get you the next time I stop here."

Claude: "Dude, you sure are sweating..."

Director: "Shut yer...(puff)...mouth."

Rena: "I thought directors were required to be as physically fit as their actors."

Director: "Where did you hear about that?"

Rena: "From this Director's Application that I swiped from your pocket."

Director: (snags paper) "I think we've heard just about enough rumors for today."

(burns paper with lighter)

Claude: "Awwww, Rena, you promised I could look at that tomorrow."

Rena: "Meh, I was gonna let Camera Dude #298 look at it anyway..."

Director: "WHAT'S THE POINT?"

Rena: "It had a list of things you can and cannot make us or the crew do."

Director: "Look, those rules only apply for film-making on DEVELOPED planets."

Claude: "So, this is...illegal?"

Director: "(Quiet, you...)"

Rena: "What do mean by 'developed'?"

Director: "Whoops, I forgot that you were the primitive one..."

Claude: "Hard to discern between primitive and dumb, huh?"

Director: "You have no idea...it would help if you had a 9th grade or higher education."

Claude: "Well, tough beans. I got all the way through first grade, and I'm proud of it."

Rena: "Wait! What do mean by me being primitive?"

Claude: "It means that you're a----"

Director: "...it MEANS that you don't eat cheese. Yeah, that's right, CHEESE!"

Rena: "A-alrighty then."

Claude: "Mmmm, cheese."

Claude: "w00t! It's the Dairy Fairy! Hey, over here! Come back you, aheeeheeheeheehee!"

(runs around in random directions)

Rena: "I think we should give him treatment for his mental issues..."

Director: "Don't worry, we'll buy him a Violence Pill soon enough."

Claude: "Aheeheeheeeheeeheehee...huh? Hey, who's that?"

Rena: "Beats me, I didn't see her spying on us during our audience..."

Claude: "Who cares? She's hot!"

Rena: "You'd say the same thing about me if I were wearing those clothes."

Director: "(I thought he just said he doesn't like girls yet...meh, this isn't really supposed to make sense anyway.)"

Claude: "Let's eavesdrop unnoticed."

(walks right in-between the Heraldic Wizard and a woman that doesn't have a name)

Heraldic Wizard: "Get out of the way, BOY!"

Claude: "Shhhh! You can't notice me, I'm eavedropping in a stealth-like manner."

Heraldic Wizard: "What the !&$# kind of a person are you? You're standing right in front of my face!"

Claude: "Silence. I am the Solid Snake! You cannot find me!"

Heraldic Wizard: (ignoring Claude) "Is this one of your pathetic friends, you little witch?"

Woman that Doesn't Have a Name: "Watch what you say, my dear wizard. Besides, I don't know who you're talking about."

(winks at Claude)

Claude: "Oh! Heeeheehee! See? She can't see me!"

Heraldic Wizard: "Are you two siblings? 'Cuz you're both acting like a bunch of toddlers. Now give me my map!"

Woman Who Has Yet to Earn Her Name: "You are gravely mistaken, that map was purchased by me."

Heraldic Wizard: "Oh yeah. Then how do you explain...THIS?"

(waves receipt)

Crowd: "Oooooooooooooh..."

Female That Isn't Called Anything in Particular: "Try...THIS...for size."

(waves map)

Crowd: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Heraldic Wizard: "That doesn't prove a thing! You stole it from me!"

Crowd: "OOOOOOOOOOH..."

Girl Without a Name: "Oh yeah? Well you just took that receipt from the garbage!"

Crowd: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

Heraldic Wizard: "..."

Heraldic Wizard: "SHUT UP, YOU FREAKING CROWD!"

(starts casting Firebolts at the pedestrians)

Pedestrian: "Hahaha! I knew I purchased this for a reason! I can now use this Reverse Doll to absorb the fireball's impact. I'm the smartest guy in the..."

(gets pelted by Firebolt)

Pedestrian: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH, IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! AUAUGHEOIEH!"

(gets engulfed by flames and dies)

Claude: "Hey mister. That's not nice."

Heraldic Wizard: "...you can stop grasping to my leg now."

Claude: "WHAOH! Hey, sorry."

No-Name Lady: "I've no time for this. Later, darling."

Heraldic Wizard: "Hold it right there, #&#!$!"

Nameless Sorceress: "NOBODY...calls me...a #&#!$! Got it, bucko?"

Heraldic Wizard: "Bucko? That does it. Now you're really gonna die..."

(dead silence)

Heraldic Wizard: "..."

(starts super chant)

Claude: "Uh-oh. Colonel, Naomi, Mei Ling, we've got a problem. Hellllllloooooo? Codec Frequencey set at 140.85. Can you hear me. This is Snake!"

* * *

**Big Magics.**

(Cross, Town Entrance)

Director: "(sigh)"

(red streaks of energy start to ball up in front of Wizard)

Rena: "!"

Heraldic Wizard: "Behold the ultimate conjuration! The mighty Apocalypse spell will blaze your bloody bodies up!"

Pedestrian 2: "Oh noes! We're all gonna die! Let's get out of here."

(flails arms wildly, but doesn't try to escape)

Heraldic Wizard: (Bill Nye the Science Guy voice-over) "BAAAAHH HAHAHAHAH! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MOO HOO HAAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Rena: "I've got to save her!"

(quick chant)

Rena: "Press!"

(Anvil drops on sorceress's head)

Sorceress: "Nugh..."

(passes out)

Rena: "Shucks."

(Energy for Apocalypse is ready to be unleashed)

Claude: "C'mon. Meryl, how 'bout you? Let's see, 140.15 is the freqencey.beep Hello! I'm in big trouble here!"

Director: "Oh, for the love of..."

(nudges Heraldic Wizard)

Heraldic Wizard: "Ow!"

(chant stops, energy disappears)

Director: "That, my friends, is professional spell interruption."

(punches wizard)

Heraldic Wizard: "Krggh!"

(gets knocked out)

Sorceress: (becomes conscious instantly) "Oh, thank you! I thought I was a goner."

Director: "You had better be thankful. That guy there was supposed to join us today at the bar. Now who can replace a powerful wizard that can cast Apocalypse?"

Sorceress: "I guess I'm indebted to you. Celine Jules is my name, Treasure hunting is my game! I'll be honored to join you guys in his stead."

Director: "What's your best spell?"

Celine: "That would be Thunderbolt."

Director: "Heheheheh...no, be serious."

Celine: "But I am being serious."

Director: "..."

(pulls out Colt pistol)

_BANG!_

Some Random Guy: "Nooooooooooooo!"

(dives in-between Celine and Director)

Some Random Guy: "UGH!"

(falls dead)

Director: "You know this fellow?"

Celine: "Never seen him before."

Director: "Maybe it's fate that you join us. I'm out of bullets."

Celine: "Phew!"

Director: "Oh, wait. Here's some more in my coat pocket."

Celine: "...bye darlings."

(scrams)

Claude: "Yo, wait for me, Nastasha Romanenko! I need you to say how bad cigarettes are for me in that sexy voice of yours!"

(follows her)

Rena: "Really, Mr. Director. Just let her come with us."

(also follows Celine)

Director: "I kid, I kid! Man, everyone takes me seriously these days..."

(notices some man staring at him)

Director: "What are you looking at, punk?"

(shoots man)

**_RANDOM FACT: The Director has played over 500 hours of Grand Theft Auto III_.**

**

* * *

**

**End Part III. **


	4. Cross Cave R&R

**Part IV**

(World Map, outside of the royal city of Cross)

Claude: "So, Celine, do you want to know where we're headed?"

Celine: "That would be helpful."

Claude: "All right."

(points to Rena)

Celine: "?"

Claude: "What? You think I know where we're headed? I'm just doing this for money."

Rena: (sigh) "Celine, we're trying to get to the continent of El. Our mission is to investigate the Sorcery Globe."

Claude: "Also known as...'A really big rock that glows a faint green, tricking idiots into thinking that it's magical'."

Director: "(That pretty much sums it up.)"

Claude: "Humanoids are SO superstitious these days. How can anyone believe such nonsense? I'd never...HOLY MOTHER OF TRIA!"

Black Cat: "Meow."

Claude: "AAAHHH! IT'S GONNA CROSS MY PATH! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

Director: "Claude, get a hold of yourself!"

Claude: "AH, AH, NOOOOO! DON'T HEAD TOWARD ME! THAT'S 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK!"

Black Cat: "(purrs)"

Rena: "Calm down, it's probably just a stray."

Claude: "Rrggh, DIE YOU FRICKIN CAT! AIR SLASH!"

(waves sword back and forth several times)

Director: "Heh."

Celine: "Rena darling, is Claude always like this?"

Everyone: "YES."

Celine: "Oh..." (sigh)

Claude: "AUGH! HE'S LICKING ME! HE'S LICKING ME! I'M DOOMED! I'M DOOMED! I'M..."

Claude: "..."

Claude: "Aheeeheeeheeeheeeheee! Oh, that tickles. Hee hee hee hee hoo!"

Celine: "Ah, how cute."

Rena: "We don't have time for this crap."

Director: "...Here kitty."

(chucks a red sphere)

Black Cat: "!"

(chases it instinctively)

Claude: "Huh? What did you just throw?"

Director: "A Flare Bomb that I bought earlier."

Claude, Rena, and Celine: "WHAT?"

Black Cat: "Rawr."

(inspects bomb closely)

Black Cat: "?"

**BBBBOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHH!**

(flames burst in wide area)

Director: "That should save us the trouble of cooking him later."

Celine: "You want us to...EAT...him?"

(vomits)

Director: "Huh? You Expellians don't eat cats? I heard that it was a delicacy."

Rena: "Where the #$!&did you hear about that?"

Director: "Oh, RIGHT. I was thinking of the citizens of Bernok IV...oh well."

Claude: (crunch crunch) "Mmmmm! Not bad. Now, what was it that you were just saying?"

Rena: "Gross, Claude!"

Claude: "Ah, shaddup! This is better than that sushi crap around here. And these gooey, white lumps are especially tasty."

Celine: "For the love of Scotland, those are EYES!"

Claude: _SLURP!_ "Yup. I heard they're good for the vision. And _these_, well, they are good for-----"

(Celine and Rena faint)

Claude: "HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding!"

* * *

**Blessed Assurance**

(World Map, outside Cross)

Celine: "Dears, can I give a suggestion as to where we go next?"

Claude: "I don't know. Can you?"

Celine: "Is that a yes?"

Claude: "What? You just asked me whether or not you were physically able to give us a suggestion. How am I supposed to know such things?"

Celine: "Pish-posh. You knew what I meant!"

Claude: "Exactly. You just asked if you could-----"

Rena: "YES CELINE, yes. You may give us a suggestion."

Claude: "But she didn't say, 'May I give a suggestion'..."

Rena: "Shut up, we don't have time to be worrying about petty grammar. The Sorcery Globe needs to be our first priority."

Claude: "Meh, that stone ain't no going anywheres."

Director: "(And he says that Celine has bad grammar? Tch.)"

Celine: "Well darlings, let's get to the point. I have acquired this Treasure Map for Cross Cave, and I think it would be in your best interest to help me explore the area for artifacts and junk. What do you say to that?"

Rena: "Umm, we really don't have time for tha----"

Claude: "TREASURE! OHBOYOBOYOBOY! I always wanted to be a pirate! Let's go!"

Rena: "(sigh)"

Celine: "Superb. Shall we?"

Director: "...if you guys get lost, don't expect any help from the Camera crew or myself."

Claude: "Not to worry. Who's got the power of Air Slash? ME!"

Director: "Oh yeah, you go girl." (lights cig)

Rena: "Don't forget about my powers of healing."

Celine: "And my awsome Firebolt."

Director: "Heh. When we're up against a giant monster that can deal over 1000 damage to you guys, and cast spells that can freeze time and dish out 3000+ damage, I'll be extremely reassured that I'll get healed for a little over 100 HP. And I'll be happy to see a helpful puff of fire that will hit my foes for less than 90 damage, barely even halting them for a millisecond. And don't even get me started with your miraculous Air Slash prowess, Claude."

Claude: "Thanks fo' the complement, chief! We bad, we BAD!"

_Cliff: "Plagiarist... And you couldn't even SAY it right!" (runs home crying)_

Director: "I'll take you literally on that last part. Good luck..."

Rena: "All right. So, where's Cross Cave?"

Celine: "Way down yonder eastern path."

Claude: "Okay. I'll lead the way."

(proceeds to lead team back to the Lasguss Mountains, encounters another Mage, ticks his/her off by throwing barrages of Blueberries at his/her face, gets pummeled by some Blood Suckers and a final Eruption, and then gets dragged back by Director and Company to the Kingdom Hotel for resurrection)

Claude: "...w00t, that was fun. Now, off to Cross Cave!"

Rena: (in a p'd off voice) "**I'M TAKING US THERE THIS TIME**."

* * *

**Entering the Cave**

(Cross Cave, Entrance)

Rena: "I heard that Cross Cave is rather large. Where are we to look for the treasure, Miss Jules?"

Director: "(snicker)"

Celine: "Please, call me 'Celine' darling. I hate being formally addressed."

Director: "(Like you even _have_ been formally addressed...)"

Claude: "You say something?"

Director: "..."

Celine: "Anyways, according to my **expensive yet accurate** map, the treasure is supposed to be located 'On the highest roof, in the tallest tower'..."

Claude: "Ummm, that's not really much of a help."

Director: "(Great. If things keep going the way they are, we'll be dealing with lawyers from Dreamworks, too.)"

Celine: "Why the bloody heck would a map for a cave mention roofs and towers?"

Claude: "Maybe it's some sort of an analogy. So, roof probably means 'deep in the cave', and tower probably implies that there's some chanting involved."

Rena: "Works for me."

Celine: "Sure. Good job, Claude."

(party takes a few steps in, then a battle starts)

Claude: "We're gonna win."

Celine: "I have no choice."

Rena: "Ummm...peace out?"

Claude: "Hmmm, who's this baffoon?"

(chucks Spectacles at enemy)

Voice: "HAH!"

(shatters glass into pieces)

Voice: "Think that trick will work all the time? The Mages of the Lasguss Mountains told me all about you. I'm ArmedKnight, and I'll be honored to bury your flesh into the ground!"

Voice 2: "And I am his loyal apprentice...also called ArmedKnight."

Knights: "Hay-yah!"

Rena: "Why, hello to you too."

ArmedKnight: "No. You see, that was our Provokation."

ArmedKnight: "Indeed it was."

Celine: "Pretty sad, if you ask me."

ArmedKnight: "I never did ask you."

ArmedKnight: "Nor did I."

Rena: "Really? I thought I saw ArmedKnight ask Celine."

ArmedKnight: "I told you I DIDN'T!"

ArmedKnight: "No. She was referring to me."

ArmedKnight: "Who asked you!"

ArmedKnight: "I think it was that young sorceress there."

ArmedKnight: "NO IT WASN'T!"

ArmedKnight: "Perhaps. Or perhaps not. Who's to say?"

ArmedKnight: "SHUT UP!"

ArmedKnight: "Wait. Why did I just ask myself that?"

ArmedKnight: "Huh?"

ArmedKnight: "What?"

ArmedKnight: "Crap. Look behind you."

ArmedKnight: "Were you telling me that, or were you reminding yourself of that fact?"

ArmedKnight: "It matters not. Just LOOk!"

ArmedKnight: "But I need to know if----"

(Claude skewers both Knights with his blade)

ArmedKnight: "Krgghh! Oh, the pain of it all!"

ArmedKnight: "I would have to...agree with you on that. UGH!"

(enemies fade away)

Claude: "That was around...80 points?"

Rena: "More like 27, I think."

Celine: "I give you a 10 out of 10 darling."

Claude: "Huh? What'd I say?"

Rena: "Never mind. But I'd sure like to know what's possessing us into saying such boring one-liners."

Director: "Don't look at me. I'm not in charge of Audio."

Celine: "Then who is?"

Director: "Now that you mention it, I have no idea..."

Claude: "What's going on around here?"

(mysterious _Signs_ music plays)

Director: "(D--n sponsors...)"

* * *

**Detective Celine**

(Cross Cave)

Claude: "This place is starting to freak me out. What's with all the skeletons?"

Rena: "I have no idea..."

Celine: "I have a theory. Want to hear it?"

Claude: "Uh, sure."

Celine: "Based on their similarity to human bones, I'd say that these so called "skeletons" used to be living, breathing, Expellian people."

Rena & Claude: "..."

Celine: "Well, give me one good reason why my theory isn't correct."

Claude: (scoffs) "You call THAT a------Holy Priest of a Random Religion, behind you!"

(random battle starts)

Claude: "This is bad. Here's the enemy!"

Claude: "This is bad."

Rena: "Yeah, Claude, you already said that."

Celine: "Where are the enemies, by the way?"

Claude: "Hmmm, I wonder?"

Rena: "Whoah! Above us!"

Claude: "It's a Raided Attack!"

Landworm A: "Hahahahahaha...now there's no way you can defeat us! Raided Attacks guarantee you a disadvantage!"

Landworm B: "That's right, you pathetic little Expellians. Experience the wrath of a thousand years! We worms have enriched your soil long enough, and now we want REVENGE!"

Celine: (chants) "Wind Blade!"

(Wind Blade flies straight off of the battlefield)

Claude: "So much for THAT. D--n useless mages."

Celine: "I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

Landworm A: "Heheheheheheh...time to die. Let's go, brother!"

Landworm B: "Yes, let's. GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO------!"

_SPLAT!_

(both Landworms die instantly from the impact)

Claude: (giggles) "Looks like we've won."

Rena: "We did it!"

Celine: "Woo hoo!"

(Claude, Rena, and Celine have 1 increased)

Celine: "Yay, I know Ray!"

Claude: "I saw a few of his episodes, too."

Rena: "What do you mean?"

Claude: "You know, Ray Romano? That French actor?"

Director: "He's not French, you idiot. And how could these guys possibly know about him?"

Ray Romano: "Hi everybody!"

Everybody: "HEY! IT'S RAY!"

Ray Romano: "Who does 'Everybody Love'?" (puts hand by ear)

Celine: "Ray! Ray! Ray! Ray!"

Ray Romano: "That's right, ME! Hahahaha---huh? WHAT THE #$?&!"

(Ray spell goes off from Celine's 'chant')

Ray Romano: "Holy Crap, what'd you DO? That's----AHHHH! OWWW! THE LASERS! THEY BURN! OWHOTHOTHOT...ungh"

(drops dead and deep fried)

Rena: "Oh my..."

Claude: "Ah, don't worry 'bout him. What better way to go than to be burnt to a crisp?"

Celine: "Personally, I'd prefer a quick, painless death."

Rena: "Yeah, me too."

Claude: "Meh, who am I kidding? That's a horrible way to die. Oh well, back to the mission!"

-

**Creator**: "(Man, I gotta stop having Guest Appearances...)"

* * *

**Advertisement**

(Cross Cave, Big Giant Rock-Crystal Thing Area)

Claude: (in a monotonous voice) "Oh no. It's a dead end."

Assistant Director: "(That was crap. Should we have him do that again?)"

Director: "(This is what, our 13th attempt? Forget it.)"

Celine: "But my map says that---"

Rena: "It must be a fake."

Celine: "T-that can't be..."

Rena & Claude: "..."

Claude: "Hmmm, wanna look around for some other treasure?"

Rena: "Wait. Don't you think this Big Giant Rock-Cystal Thing looks a bit suspicious to you?"

Claude: "It should. The crew set it up there."

Director: "CUT! CUT!"

Claude: "Oh shucks, did I screw up again?" (sips coffee)

-

Director: "Action!"

Rena: "Wait. Don't you think this Big Giant Rock-Crystal Thing looks a bit suspicious to you?"

Claude: "It should. The cr---monsters...put it there."

(shrugs at Director)

Director: (whispering) "Good enough. Keep going!"

Rena: "Really? Monsters? They sure must have worked hard making it."

Celine: "Yeah, busy as beavers, they probably were."

Claude: "Yup."

(awkward silence)

Claude: "...OH! MY LINES! Ahem! Celine, may I take a look at that map?"

Celine: "Sure, darling. Here."

(hands map to Claude)

Claude: "Thanks. For the map, I mean."

Celine: "You're quite welcome...(ahem) FOR THE MAP, of course."

Claude: "Yeah. The map...Hey! Speaking of maps..."

(studies it carefully)

Rena: "Anything?"

Claude: "Yeah, there appears to be something written on the----_SPLAT_----whoopsie. Coffee spilt. Right on the map, too."

Director: "You know what? Screw it and just keep reading, okay?"

Claude: "All right. OMIGOSH CELINE THERE'S LIKE A SPELL WRITTEN ON THE MAP!"

Celine: "!"

Celine: "Why you're right, Claude darling! It's faint and impossible to read due to coffee stains, but I think I can chant the words inscribed."

Celine: "...OPEN SESAME!"

(light flashes in the room)

Director: "Now, guys. DYNAMITE!"

Crewman #1: "Yes sir."

(Explosions break down rocky wall)

Director: "(Now if only we had that other mage, we'd be able to do this without wasting our precious explosives. But no, we're stuck with frickin Celine...)"

Claude: "THERE. It opened."

Rena: "No thanks to our all-powerful mage here."

Celine: "Quiet you."

Claude: (reading from the script) "Well, gang. Let us go and acquire the greatest wealth of our time----most likely boring reading material that cannot be deciphered without the help of the most skilled linguist on a planet."

Rena: (also reading from the script) "Yes, let's."

Celine: (also also reading from the script) "Of course, darlings, but let's not forget about _National Treasure_, the single-greatest theatrical accomplishment that Disney ever created in November 2004."

Directors: "(Lousy sponsors, always ruining my films.)"

* * *

**Boss Battle**

(Cross Cave Treasure Room)

Claude: "Holy fizzle nizzle, d'you think this rock formation is natural?"

Celine: "About as natural as my-"

Rena: "CHESTS! TREASURE CHESTS!"

Claude: "Yes! We're rich, we're rich, we're..."

(opens up chest to the upper-right)

Claude: (in an unreasonable loud manner) "OH NO! IT'S EMPTY!"

Celine: "Calm down, you'll lure all of the monsters here."

Claude: "I'm just reading from the script, gosh!"

Rena: "Ummm, guys..."

Celine: "Quiet, Rena. Claude and I are having a worthless spat that will not affect our Relationship values."

Claude: "Uh, if you say so."

Gargoyle: "GRAAAAWK..."

Claude: "What the heck was that, Rena? Getting a little uptight?"

Rena: "For Tria's sake, Claude, watch out!"

(Gargoyles swoop down toward Claude)

Claude: "Hold that thought, Rena. Let's take care of these two."

(Battle begins)

Claude: "Be careful!"

Rena: "Better be careful!"

Celine: "Oh, is it already finished?"

(Gargoyle sics itself on Celine)

Celine: "AHHHHHHHHHHH! GET OFF ME, GET OFF ME! NOOOOO! AH! OH! EEEEEH!"

Claude: "Perfect. While she distracts that one, we'll concentrate on the other one, Rena!"

Rena: "You sure she'll be okay?"

Claude: "Positive, now let's do this."

Claude: "Air Slash!"

(successfully sends shockwave flying toward Gargoyle A)

Director: "Well, it's about time."

Gargoyle A: "..." (blocks attack)

Director: "(Spoke too soon on that one.)"

Rena: "Press!"

_clang!_

50 Damage

Gargoyle A: "(smirks)"

Rena: "Whew, it should be half dead by now."

Director: "(chuckles)"

* * *

**Raging Anger (1/2 Defense)**

(Cross Cave Treasure Room)

Claude: "How's it going, Celine?"

Celine: "STOP IT! UGHGAAAAH! HELP, HE'S KILLING ME! MY SKULL'S HALF OPEN! NAAAAAGHHUHHH!"

Claude: "Great, huh? Goody, then I can use this Blueberry on myself then." (eats)

Claude: "MMMMMMMMM, that's GOOOOOOOOOOOD. You sure are missing out on this, Celine."

Celine: "...cla...u...d..e..."

Rena: "Yah! Aiiiee!" (punches repeatedly)

Gargoyle A: "Hohohohoho!" (flexes abdomen)

Multiple hits of 20-30 damage

Rena: "Dangit, why won't you DIE?"

(Gargoyle picks up Rena and throws her against cavern walls)

Rena: "Noooooooooooo..."

Claude: "Rena!"

(Claude goes Berserk, gaining 30 ATK butlosing 30 of his DEF in the progress...oh wait)

Claude: "AAHHHHH! DIE YOU MUTHA FUDGERS!"

_slice  
splice  
dice  
mice!_

Gargoyle A: "graaaaaaawk..." (poof)

Claude: (wipes sweat off face) "You're doing great, Celine!"

(Gargoyle B continues to feast on Celine's flesh)

Claude: "Oh, you've been 'knocked out'. Why didn't you tell me?"

Claude: "Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash _Not enough MP!_ Air Slash _Not enough MP! _Air Slash _Not enough MP!_ Air Slash _Not enough MP!_ Air Slash _Not enough MP!_ Air Slash _Not enough MP!_ Air Slash _STOP IGNORING ME_!"

Gargoyle B: "SQUAWK!" (blocks all shockwaves, but dies from the final Air Slash that couldn't be executed due to lack of MP)

Claude: "w00tw00tw00tw00tw00t!"

Claude: "Unexpectly Weak!"

Claude: "Eh, girls?"

(no answer)

Claude: "Umm, ladies?"

Director: "They got slaughtered in there, you ignorant noob. We'll take care of Rena. As for you..."

(hands Claude a Super-Duper-Pooper-Scooper 5000 and a plastic bag)

Claude: "What's this for? Did Camera Dude #928 go on the floor again?"

Director: "Nooooo. You get to scoop up what's left of Celine and take her to an Inn. Capice?"

Claude: "Ummm, capice to you too."

* * *

**Coincidence**

(Cross Cave)

Claude: "I managed to scoop up what's left of Celine. Let's get a move on."

Camera Dude #174-B: "Eeww, gross, I think there's a turd in the bag with Celine."

Claude: "Yeah, I guess there is. I got it fresh from one of the Landworms dwelling in here. Gotta keep mementos, y'know. Ain't she a beaut?"

(one of the cameramen zooms in)

Director: "Knock it off, I don't pay you minimum wage to be taping this crap."

Camera Dude: "About that minimum, sir--"

Director: "Oh yeah, never mind. Forget that last part."

Camera Dude: "..."

(Meanwhile...)

Camera Dude #45: "Ooooh, what a nifty rock! The Institution of Geographic Study would die to see one of these." (starts taping)

Camera Dude #12: "Yo, we gotta get going. Everybody else is way ahead of us."

Camera Dude #45: "So then go, ya wuss. This is only Cross Cave, the second-easiest dungeon on Expel."

(rock shifts around a bit)

Camera Dude #45: "Sweetness! What a fascinating---AAAAAAHHHHH! OH! UGHAAWW! SAVE ME! SAVE ME NUMBER 9! THE ROCK...IT'S...IT'S RIPPING MY ARMS APART! UGHAAA-----"

Camera Dude #12: "It's Number 12, and you're interfering with my original shoot called 'When Idiots Get Mauled'."

(Slimes ambush No.12)

Camera Dude #12: "Easy now, slime-a-rinos. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just here to videotape my duplicate being digested by a Landworm, okay? Ummm, slimes?"

(violent assaults ensue)

Camera Dude #12: "Heeheehee, that tickles! Oh look, this one tore my liver in two. Ahahahahahahahahaha..." (dies)

Camera Dude #15: (while taping death of No.12) "Excellent."

(Armed Knights appear)

Camera Dude #15: (waves goodbye) "UOHHhhhh!" (slain)

Camera Dude #19: (while taping No.15's death) "Heheheh..."

(Landworms, Slimes, and ArmedKnights approach)

Camera Dude #19: "Back off! I've got dynamite, and I'm not afraid to use it."

(approaching enemies continue to approach)

Camera Dude #19: "You asked fer it." (chucks lit explosive)

TEH BOOOOOOOOOM!

Camera Dude #19: "Suckers." (walks away)

(boulders crush No.19)

Camera Dude #21: (while taping No. 19's death) "Radical. This'll be great for my----"

(has a heart attack)

Camera Dude #499: (while taping No. 21's death) "(Maybe if I don't say anything out loud, I won't d---)"

(vanishes without a trace)

Camera Dude #30: (while taping No. 499's disappearra...)"

(implodes)

Assistant Director: (while taping No. 30's death) "Dang, I better warn the boss! HEY MISTER DIRECTOR, EVERYONE IN BACK IS DY---"

(slips into a bottomless pit)

Director: (after taping Assistant's freefall) "Hmmm, I guess I should give Camera Dude #45 the Assistant Director position. I've really grown attached to that guy over the last hour."

(party reaches exit)

Claude: "Mr. Director sir, it would seem that several of your cameramen aren't present. What are we gunna do?"

Director: "Five cent raise for everyone."

Everyone: "Hurray!"

* * *

**APPLAUD**

(Cross Cave Exit)

Claude: "Hey. What the...!"

(plastic bag opens, and Celine's flesh and blood begin to magically reform)

Director: "Hmmm, good timing. You guys were supposed to make a choice about Celine right about now."

Rena: (comes back to life) "Aww, fiddlesticks and Jimney Crickets, I was having such a good dream too."

Celine (after reforming): "Good to be back, darlings. Now, can someone please explain to me why my saliva and nose fluids have been mixed with LANDWORM #$?&!"

Director: "Mmmph! Ng...BLAAAAARG!" (pukes)

Claude: "Heheh, sorry 'bout that. Didn't think you'd be up and at it so shortly."

Celine (faintly): "I..guess it's not...so bad. Besides (urk!), if I throw up...all that's gonna come out is...(ugh!) more crap."

Claude: "So, what are we s'posed to do now, Direk?"

Camera Dude #77: "I don't think he's gonna be talking for a while. Poor guy."

(pats Director's back)

(Director punches #77)

Director: "Read the script ya----(_releases more stomach acid)_---"

Claude: "Alrighty then..."

Claude: "Thanks for coming with us, Celine. You've been such a great help."

Celine: "Wait...wasn't I supposed to say that?"

Rena: "Who cares if she was or wasn't! I wanna go back to sleep."

Claude: "Wait Celine."

Celine: "Yes, DARRRRRRRRRLING?"

(everyone shudders but Moroboshi Ataru, who dies instantaneously)

Claude: "Geez, nothing on Expel or Earth OR Milocinia sounds that awful. You take your acting WAY too seriously. Dead honest, miss."

Celine: "But I got top-notch voice lessons from a young teenage girl in Linga..."

(live studio audience laughs)

Claude: "The flippin h?"

Live Studio Audience: "OOOOOOOOOOH..."

Rena: "I just wanna go back home!"

Live Studio Audience: "Awwww..."

Garfield: "Did somebody say 'Lasagna'?"

Live Studio Audience: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

**Resolve.**

(Cross Cave Exit, methinks)

Claude: "Oh noes, teh eval Live Studio Audience! Run for your lives, lest your sanity be swallowed by their pointless emotional chatter!"

Live Studio Audience: "Whatever..."

Claude: grins "Go get 'em, buddy."

_(Squall time-warps himself into the Studio, starts playing 'Behind Blue Eyes' with his teeth and a piece of used toilet paper, re-enacts the Battle of Waterloo, successfully showing off the failure of Napoleon's war tactics, curses the ground on which he treads, stabs himself with the Eternal Sphere of Eternal Destruction because it derived Eternal Power from an Eternal Source sword, casts Revive+7 on his clone, summons C.J. and Sweet from da' Hood, hands them both sawed-off shotguns, blows off 58 of the audience's heads with the gangstas' help, takes $50 from each and every soul, then forces a black hole to swallow up himself and the audience)_

Claude: "Thank you, Apollo!"

Apollo: (winks) "Til' next time, sonny!" (flies off to Armageddon, where he is soon to be slaughtered by a two-headed two-headed dragon named Four Eyes Plus Four)

Rena: (sigh) "I'm going to miss that guy."

Claude: "Me, too, Rena. Me, too."

(moment of silence)

Claude: "Anyhoo, now what?"

Celine: "How 'bout some more refreshing words from our script?"

Rena: "Yeah, hurry!"

Celine: "Well, it's been a real treat, but I'd best be going."

Claude: "Wait! Join us! And together we shall defeat the evildoers of this world!"

Celine: "Ummm, okay."

Rena: "Finally." (dies)

Celine: "Holy Crap! Literally!" (watches as body and Landworm crap re-gorify to their previous states)

Claude: "Back in the bag you go!"

Director: "Now, off to Clik YOU go."

Claude: "BeatCHA there!"

Director: "Like I care?"

Camera Dude: "(starts to stare)"

BBQ Cook: "I like mine rare."

Random Crewman: "Underwear!"

(gets shot)

* * *

**END PART IV**


	5. Clik Chaos

**Part V**

(World Map, near Cross Cave)

Claude: "Wow, I'm sure glad we found all of these healing items stashed in this cart."

Rena: (was revived by found item) "Yeah, but something doesn't seem right about ambushing King Cross's royal caravan, stabbing each of His Majesty's soldiers in the heart, mummifying their bodies, and writing a note that says 'We did it! signed, Demons' on it."

Claude: "I was GONNA blame Camera Dude #133-Z4, but how can I possibly frame such a memorable fella?"

Celine: "Besides, darling, he's dead."

Claude: "Yeah, didn't mean to gut him from behind. I swear he looked like one of...them."

Director: "Look, we did what we had to. I know I speak for all of us when I say that I'd rather kill all the friends that I ever had than to walk 20 or so miles back to Cross."

Claude: "Spoken like a true American drunkard."

Director: "Getting racist on me, $?!# face?"

Claude: "No, that's not what I meant...just forget it. We best be heading to Clik."

Rena: "Shouldn't we bring these **CARE PACKAGEs **that we found in the caravan supplies to Clik? I'm sure they may use them someday."

Claude: "Nonsense, Rena. Clik's a port city. Those are some of the safest places in the world. I heard that natural disasters and pestilence HATE water."

Rena: "Fair enough, I suppose------huh?-------WHY ARE YOU LIGHTING THEM ON FIRE?!!"

Claude: (_inhales deeply_) "Ahhhh...oh, I'm just---errr----trying to reproduce some of the air that I'm accustomed to back Home."

Celine: "That's positively putrid, Claude!"

Rena: "We could have at least given them to those homeless nomads right over there."

Claude: "No need, Rena. I sprayed some Lizardaxe urine on them. See? Those Lizardaxes will now be distracted by those flunkies while we walk safely for Clik. Haha!"

Director: "Wait a tick. Are you that crazy excretoriologist that I heard about in the news?"

Claude: "Maybe."

Director: "You sick puppy. How can you stand messing with----crap---like that?"

Claude: "I happen to have a dull sense of smell and a horrible sense of taste."

Rena: "Remind me to never let you cook."

Claude: "Awww, c'mon. I'm bound to get the hang of cooking after practicing over 234,392 times."

Director: "After checking your percentages, I think it could take a heck of a lot longer than that."

Claude: "Screw you guys, I'm a going to Clik."

_battle starts_

Claude: "Behind?!!"

Lizardaxes: "Graaaaarwlll!!!"

Claude: "Quick! Use the URINE SPRAYED HOBOS!"

_starts throwing drenched nomads at "Axes"_

Lizardaxes: (_sniff sniff_) "Ooooooooooh...RAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGG!!!!"

Nomads: "No---No----NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

_nomads are teared to shreds while Claude escapes_

Claude: "Heh, I've got to make some more of those sometime."

_looks at Rena, Celine, and Direk_

Rena: "Forget it Claude. I'd rather have Celine blast me with Ray than have urine dumped on me."

_Celine starts chanting_

**_SLAP!_**

Rena: "That's NOT WHAT I WAS IMPLYING YOU STUPID FAKE BRITISH ACCENTED CRAPPY HERALDIC SORCERAIC #$?$#&!"

* * *

**  
Settin' for Sailin'**

(Port Town of Clik)

Rena: "Well, here we are, Clik."

Claude: "The people here smell like dead fish sprinkled in urchin guts."

Celine: "No, that's just coming from that street vendor."

Vendor 1: "That's right, Miss! How would you like to try a Clik favorite---what your friend described as 'dead fish sprinkled in urchin guts'---is actually called 'Sashimi a la Urchina de la Groteska'. On sale for 120 FOL each. Can I bag up a dozen for you?"

Claude: "I don't know...it says _No Message_ for its healing capabilities."

Vendor 1: "Don't Smelling Salts say _No Message _on them as well? See, it's a good thing!"

Claude: "Makes sense. I'll take it!"

-1440 FOL (_cha ching_)

Claude: "Yumz0rz!" (_scarfs down grub_)

Rena: "Blegh! I hate seafood."

Celine: "Me, too. Don't bother giving me any darling."

Vendor 1: "Heeheehee, gotta go!"

_smokescreen appears, and vendor mysteriously vanishes_

Claude: "Mggg?! Uggh!"

Rena: "What's wrong?"

Claude: "Hack! Oooooooog----I'm getting a little bit---BLAAAAURRRRGHGAHEGAHAAA!"

_dashes to docks, then spews contents out into sea_

Captain: "Oh for crying out loud, don't spit out yer fluids into yonder big blue! Do what real men do and expel it into thee livestock feeding bins. The sea must not be taintered."

_dumps a keg of oil into water_

Claude: "..."

Captain: "What? Tis' for good luck befo future voyages."

Rena: "Umm, we need to ride your ship to El."

Captain: "El? The 'el do you want to go to El?"

Claude: "We're going to investigate some Snow Globe or something."

Captain: "Snow? What the 'eck es dis snow?"

Claude: "You know, the stuff Frosty's made of?"

Captain: "Fa-rosty?"

Claude: "DON'T YOU IDIOTS HAVE FREAKING HOLIDAYS?!!!!!!!!!"

Rena: "..."

Celine: "..."

Captain: "Now, now, calm down ye skallop. Your voice is worse of an omen than tee Sorcery Globe."

Claude: "Oh yeah, that's what we're after in El. Take us there now!"

Captain: "Oi, I don't ship people off 'less they own a Passpart!"

Rena: (_waves passport_) "You mean this?"

Captain: "My, my, you actally HAVE one. That's a wee bit o' an surprise."

Celine: "What do you mean by that?"

Captain: "Wheel, ye gots yer average low brow masculine feller, some brain-dead, poorly accented, reasonably hot, weak sorceress lady woman, and an immatour little wee lass that looks like she should just stay in her rume and cry all day long over some missing parents. Get mah tidal drift?"

Celine: "Sufficient."

* * *

**Berserk Ring acquired.**

(Clik, Port, 12:01 p.m. EST, 44 percent chance of disaster)

Claude: "Um, when will we set sail?"

Captain: "Sails already set, as ye can see hyar."

Rena: "Great! So, let's hop on."

Captain: "Ach! What be you doing now?"

Claude: "You just said it was ready."

Captain: "No, ya blonde-headed oyster cracker! I done say the sail's all set, but she ain't ready to leave port, eh?"

Claude: "Then what the heck are we waiting for?"

Captain: "The cargo's being loaded as we speak. This may take longer than you and I could imagine, so I'd suggest ye rest up a bit before we head off."

Claude: "What cargo?"

Captain: "Don't ya see those men walkin to and fro? They be me sailor's loadin the boat."

Sailor A: "Uhhh, mind giving me a hand?"

Sailor B: "Sure thing...HUUUUURRRRRRGHHH!"

_makes motion of setting something heavy down_

Sailor A: "Phew! Thanks ya lobster brute!"

Sailor B: "No prob, ya walrus manure."

Claude: "Sir, they're not carrying anything at all. They're just pretending or something."

Captain: "Nonsense! They're loading cargo! Get outta here! You'll know when we're done and ready."

Sailor C: "Excuse me---Mppph!----I need to---huff!---get through here!"

Celine: "Oh, sorry darling. What ever is the problem?"

Sailor C: (after setting something down?) "As you could see, I was lifting 14 tons of tea onto the ship."

Claude: "No you weren't. What is wrong with you people?"

Sailor C: "You just shut up and let us men do the hardcore cargo loading, K?"

(Meanwhile...)

Sailor D: "AAAAARGGGG! GET AWAY FROM THE PORT, YA LITTLE KIDS!!!!"

Little Boy: "What's wrong with playing here?"

Little Girl: "Yeah, what?"

Sailor D: "IT'S DANGEROUS HERE, AN YER IN MY WAY, AN' YER BOTHERIN MAH RYTHMN, AN' YER MAKING ME WISH I WAS A LITTLE'UN AGAIN, AN' YER FERGETTING THAT I GET ANGRY A LOT!!!!!! ROOOOAAAAAR!!!!!!"

Little Boy: "Wutever. Hey sis, let's play 'Run Around in Perpetual Circles' again!"

Little Girl: "Okee day! I wuv dat one."

_children start running around in circles non-stop, making poor Sailor D question his existence yet again_

Children: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Sailor D: "ACCCCH!!! CUT IT OUT YA KIDS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CONFUSING YER MAKING A PERSON WHEN THEY'RE HIGH?!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!! CAN'T A FELLER TOKE IN PEACE?!!!"

_continues to grumble about trivial things, especially on the matter of tomatoes being put on hamburgers AND taco-flavored pizzas  
_

* * *

  
**Stop, Thief!**

(Clik)

Claude: "It's going to be a while, eh? Let's take a walk or something."

Rena: "I wanna see the cape!"

Claude: (_staring at Rena_)

Rena: "Not THIS cape! Geez, must you always mistake something for something?"

Claude: "(Just keep walking Claude, and she won't speak...keep...walking...)"

Rena: "And-----...?"

Claude: "(Heheheheh...)"

_earth begins to rumble a bit_

Celine: "Whoah, did you just feel that?"

Claude: "S-s-sure did. I got the runs! OUTTA MY WAY. EEEEEEE!"

_dashes toward crepe stand_

Claude: "Scuse me, need to use your toilet for a sec!"

Vendor: "Hey hey HEY HEY HEY!!! That's no toilet, it's where I keep my CREPES!!!!"

_25 seconds later_

Claude: "Ahhhhhh...nothing relieves diarrhea better than a quick emptying of the pipes."

Vendor: "MY POOR BANANA CREPES...WAAAAHHHH!!!"

Rena: "Now, now, it wasn't anybody's fau----never mind."

Vendor: "(Wait a second...I think there's a way to turn this frown upside down and into a profitable smile!)"

Celine: "Eh? What are you doing, sir?"

Vendor: "Cooooome get your _CHOCOLATE_CREEEPES!!!"

Consumer: "UGH! THEY SMELL LIKE CRAP!...I'll take two."

Claude: "I'LL TAKE 20!!!"

Consumer: (_bites into one_) "YUK! THEY EVEN TASTE LIKE CRAP!!!!...I'll take three more."

Vendor: "(Ha ha, I am a slick one!)"

Rena: "Port towns, I tell you. No sanitation standards at all."

_SNATCH!_

Claude: "Hey! My purse!"

_PILFER!_

Rena: "AAHHHH! MY WALLET!!"

_PILLAGE!_

Director: "AHHHHH!!! MY COORS LIGHT!"

_BANDITATED!_

Squall: "AHHHH!!! MY $50!!!"

_POW!_

Mr. Incredible: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! My life!"

_(dies)_

_KER-SMACK!_

Stan Lee: "AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!! NOW HULK MAD!"

_BLAMMO!_

Hayden Christensen: "AHHHHHHH!!!!! MY LEAD ROLE!"

George Lucas: "Now, now. You can always play as a male dancer in a bar scene."

_STEAL!_

MGSB: "Son of a...MY MESSAGE SPACE! Kurse you, Ketil!!!"

* * *

**The Search**

(Clik, Fountain Plaza)

Claude: "MY PURSE!!! OUR MONEY! Gone?"

Rena: "MY WALLET!!! MY SECRET STASH!!! Gone?"

Claude: "Secret stash?"

Rena: "Like I'm going to let you spend ALL of our money?"

Director: "#&!$ it, people, we've got a hooligan to bandersnatch!"

_everyone blankly stares_

Director: "Uhhh, we have to chase down that...kid?"

Everyone: "Ohhhhhhhhh..."

Director: "..."

Claude: "He had rainbow hair, I think. And laser beam eyes!!!

Rena: "Are you sure? I thought he was small with blue hair..."

Celine: "I think I'm gonna go with Claude on this one, darlings. Anyone who keeps FOL hidden from us cannot be trusted."

Director: "All right, let's split up! I'll look around in the ghetto area, the Camera Crew can search by the waters, and the rest of you can go wherever. Later!"

Camera Crew: "Charge!" (_runs toward port_)

Claude: "Sooooooooo, what shall we do?"

Rena: "I'll start questioning people."

_pokes some Old Man_

Old Man: "WHOAH! Easy there, little lady! If ya know what I mean, heheheheheh..."

Rena: "Ummm, riiiiight. Have you seen a boy with rainbow hair and laser beam eyes?"

Old Man: "Heck no, if ya know what I mean, heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh..."

Rena: "No, actually, I DON'T know what you mean."

Old Man: "Don't worry about it. You're new, if ya know what I mean, hehehehehehehheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh..."

Rena: "Please let go of my leg now. I have to go."

Old Man: "All right, but you can always feel free to see me, if ya know what I mean, HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH..."

Rena: "AHHHHHHH!!" (_runs_)

(Clik, Ghetto, 8:00)

Director: "Hey LOW-LIFES, HICKS, DRUNKS, and CAT LOVERS!!! HAVE YOU SEEN A THIEVING RAINBOW HAIRED LASER BEAM EYED SCUMBAG AROUND HERE?!!! You'd better tell me the truth, cuz I've got this to deal with your kind!"

_whips out portable vacuum_

Ghetto Residents: (_hiss in fear_)

Director: "How 'bout you, BOY?"

Ketil: "Nope, no rainbow haired kids around here...heheh?"

Director: "I can tell you're an honest one, here."

_tosses him a dime_

Ketil: "Ummm, what is this?"

Director: "Keep the change, if ya know what I mean, heheheheheheh..."

Ketil: "AAAHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SICKO!" (_scrams_)

Director: "What in the name of Lemony Snicket?"

_trips_

Director: "Oww, dangit! Right into a pud of muddle, too..."

John Boone Dune Rune: "It's 'puddle of mud', you grammar moron!"

Director: "Who's askin, FOUR-NAME?!!

_whips out shotgun_

Director: "(Son of a &!$#&, no more shells?!)"

Random Kid: "Watch out, mister! There's a stray bunny on the loose!"

Director: "Huh?!-----_SMASH!!!_-------GAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Random Kid: "Seems to me like you've been under quite the SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS."

Director: "Eh?"

(Meanwhile)

Claude: "Hey look, that kid's got my purse and your wallet! Maybe he knows where the thief went."

Rena: "Ummm, Claude, I do believe that's him---"

Claude: "Hey kid! Did you see a rainbow haired laser beam eyed boy who stole that exact same wallet and purse a few minutes ago?"

Ketil: "(Is this guy sewious?) Uhhh, yeah, he jumped off of the cape and into his secwet hideowt!"

Claude: "Thanks, dude. You rock!"

Rena: "Claude!!!! DON'T!!"

Claude: (_jumps_) "Okaaaaaaaay, I can't see a hideout yet...where could it...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

_smashes into ocean_

(Rena snags Ketil)

Ketil: "Ow ow ow! Let me go!"

Rena: "Gotcha."

Celine: "Oh, is this little boy helping you find the culprit?"

Rena: "Geez people, ARE YOU THAT DUMB?!!!"

(Meanwhile)

Camera Crew: "Hmmmm, maybe the thief is underwater. Wanna take a look see?"

1/3 of Crew: "Geronimoooooooooooooooooooo----_SPLASH!!!_"

(5 minutes pass)

Remaining Crew: "..." (_slowly walk away_)

* * *

**Babysitting**

(Clik, near town entrance)

Claude: "All right kid. Give me back my purse!"

Rena: "And hand over the wallet."

Claude: "...but if you had to choose between the two, give us the purse."

_slap!_

Claude: "..."

Ketil: "I don't know anything about any wallet. Lemme go!"

Claude: "(Hey Rena, I have an idea. Let's use reverse psychology on him. Just follow me.)"

Rena: "(A--alright...)"

Claude: "FINE THEN. KEEP THE WALLET AND PURSE. LIKE WE CARE?!!"

_winks at Rena, then walks away_

Rena: "Ummm, Claude, he's running off."

Celine: "It appears you blundered badly this time, dear."

Claude: "Son of a-----these Expel kids sure know their stuff."

-

-

Director: "Is THIS who you were looking for?" (_holds up Ketil_)

Claude: "Wow, great timing. Lucky you were in the Inn for some reason."

Director: "Yeah, well, here." (_tosses Claude 10,000 FOL_)

Claude: "Sweet Baby Rays! How'd you get this?"

Director: "I threatened to sue the Ocean View Hotel because there wasn't a single area where I could see the ocean in the building. So, the owner gave me 10,000 FOL and told me to 'keep quiet'."

Rena: "And now for this little one."

Ketil: "Ummm, uhhh, ummm, duhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhh, I'm, ummmm, uhhh, ummmm, uhhhhh, sorry. Ummm, like, here."

_gives wallet 'n' purse 'n' beer back_

Claude: "Why the change of heart?"

Ketil: "Ummmm, uhhhhh, but, duhhhhhh, ahhhhhh, HEY!! Let me show you around town!"

Rena: "What a wonderful idea."

Claude: "Why the $!&# would I want to do that? We just searched the entire town looking for this kid."

Celine: "Oh come on Claude. I bet it'll be fuuuuuuuuuuuun!"

Claude: "Tch. Fine."

Director: "Hey, mind showing me around the bar and telling me about some of their best drinks?"

Ketil: "Ummmm, uhhhhhh, b-but..."

Rena: "DIRECTOR!!!"

Director: "What? All they sell here is friggin' tea and berry juice anyway."

Ketil: "Mommy says I can't go in there until I turn, ummmmm, 21. Tea is outlawed for minors, you know. And berry juice is pushin it a bit. I KNOW! Let's ummmmm, see the Fountain Plaza! Fowwow me!"

(Plaza)

Ketil: "Ummmmmmmmmm, this is like, the plaza. Did you know that?"

Claude: "YES."

Rena: "Claude! You inconsiderate mesh of armor!"

Celine: "What?"

Ketil: "But, uhhhhhhhh, HEY!!! I showed you around, so now you guys get to treat me to something!"

Director: "Okaaaaaaaaaaay..."

Vendor: "Ice cream, delicious ice creaaaaaaaaaam!!!"

Ketil: "Oooooooooooooh ooooooh oooooh ice cream! I want some ice cream! Can I have some please please pretty please super duper pooper scooper pretty wetty pwease?"

Rena: "Now how can you say no to that face? Here you go." (_hands him cone_)

Vendor: "Ummmm, are you gonna pay for that?"

Claude: "Let's get out of here Rena!" (_scrams_)

Vendor: "Damn, there goes another free order. I really gotta start taking the money up front...my husband's gonna kill me...then revive me and kill me again, revive and beat me half to death, finish me off with a Magic Rock, give me a Marionette Pill, let me slap him for a while, then he kills me with Word of Death, revives me again, etc..."

-

-

(Shop)

Ketil: "Wow Claude! This'll look good on you."

Claude: (_stares_) "Hmmm? You think so? Me?"

Rena and Celine: "..."

Claude: "Would you all please turn around why I change into this?"

Director: "You never had to tell us to do so, kid."

(2 minutes later...)

Claude: "Okay, you can look now."

Customer: "OH good heavens!" (_faints)_

Rena and Celine: "..."

Director: "Holy crap, did you even look at it before wearing it?!!"

Claude (clad in pink bikini) : "What? Where's a mirror? Oh, here we g-----------" ) (_drops on ground in shock_)

Ketil: "Hahahaha, you look funny! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...huh? Why isn't everyone laughing with me? Why are you all laying on the ground, barely breathing? What's this crappy stuff foaming out of your mouth, Diwector?"

Ketil: "Wow, this customer isn't even, ummmmm, uhhhhh, breathing. Hmmmm...better get out of here."

_takes 10,000 FOL and runs_

(A few hours later)

Claude: (back in "alien" clothes) "Geez, that sick little kid's gonna get it next time."

_looks around_

Claude: "Wow, this customer is dead. I guess she won't be needing this." (_steals 3,200 FOL_)

Rena: "Ketil's gone. I guess we should just head for the ship then."

Filia: "LEAVE THIS TOWN NOW!!! YOU ARE IN GRAVE DANGER!!! FLEE, FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES! GIVE UP HOPE, OR LOSE IT FOREVER! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!"

Rena: "Hmmph, some madman."

Celine: "Yes, but she's a woman."

Director: "Fine, then. Some crazy &$#!$."

Filia: "PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?"

Claude: "Because what you say can never happen to a port town. What could POSSIBLY happen here? Earthquakes hate places near water, tsunamis hate land, and hurricanes 'n' tornadoes only stay in the sky."

Filia: "DIG YOUR OWN GRAVES THEN. I give you one chance to repent, and now you go and blow it...I hope my father DOES tear you to shreds. See ya." (_vanishes_)

Claude: "Fa...ther?"

Director: "Hmmm, I wonder...?"

Rena: "Anyways, let's go to the cargo ship."

Captain: "Whoah there, lassie! She's just about done, but ye'd best be carrying out some last-minute shopping before we set sail. Better late than early, ya know."

Claude: "Oh fine. Let's just sit on a bench or something."

Celine: "Sounds like fun."

(Fountain Plaza)

Claude: "???"

_earth starts to tremor_

Claude: "...ME HUNGRY!"

Rena: "What are you talking about, it's an...EXPELQUAKE!!!"

Celine: "Ahh we're all going to die darlings!"

_tremors increase_

C laude: "Whoah, o ur mess age spo ts a re shaking around, too."

Dire ctor: "Tell me ab out it."

R ena: " Let' s head for g ound!"

_h ds t cape_

Celine: " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA----"

W aldo: "Hi!"

Cla ude: "Must...find...food."

Rena: "No Cla ude, follow us!"

_feels so good, ooooooh...  
_

* * *

**Damage Assessments**

(Clik, earthquake aftermath)

Director: "Oh jeez. Is everyone all right?"

Claude: "As you can see, no injuries..."

Director: "Save that line for later; how 'bout you Rena?"

Rena: "Umm...thank you for saving my life."

Director: "For the love of----why didn't you say that back in Shingo?"

Claude: "Ahhhh!!!"

Director: "AND DON'T GET ME STARTED WITH THAT!!!"

-

-

-  
(several hours of misplaced lines later...)

Director: "Okay, we finally clear on what we can and can't say?"

Claude: "Holy crap, TSUNAMI!"

Celine: "To the cape!"

Rena: "Wait a minute, someone's trapped on the lowland!"

Claude: "You're right...HEY LADY, HEAD FOR COVER!"

-

Filia: (to self) "Nonsense. I alone can save this town from its inevitable doom. It was partially my fault that Clik was destroyed. Oh, Father, why did you----well, no matter. If I can't save this place from the earth's mighty quakes, then I shall save it from the sea's torrential shakes."

_pause_

Filia: chanting "REEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFLEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOONNNN----"

_SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!_

-

(5 minutes later)

Priest (ex-Crepe Vendor): "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in memory of the poor crazy that tried to stop the dreaded sea from consuming what's left of our now unrepairable ghetto. Perhaps if she had been sane enough to know that Reflection merely raises DEF and has nothing to do with repelling spells and elements like in (**CENSORED BY THE FinalFantasyProtectionAgency**), then maybe she could have given us something of more value-----like the 389 FOL I GAVE HER DURING HER SPEECH ON WORLD DESTRUCTION!!! #&$!ing &$#!!!"

* * *

**True Compassion**

(Clik's Cape)

Man: "Dude, we didn't gather here to bother about that idiot. We were forced out of our homes and lost loved ones just trying to save our own butts."

Man 2: "He's right, we're SCREWED like bolts on a nut!"

Woman: "Heathen! Cast him into the sea!"

Man 2: "Hey, what are you------AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (_splash_)

Angry Sailor: "URRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!! WHY DIDN'T THOSE KIDS SAVE THEMSELVES?!!! SURE, I HATED THEM TO DEATH, BUT NOW WHO THE #$&! AM I GONNA GET POINTLESSLY MAD AT FOR NO REASON ANYMORE?!!!! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!! KRAWWWW!!!"

Claude: (_rolls eyes, whistles, then casually backs off_)

Angry Sailor: "GAHHHHHHHHHH, HOW CAN YOU BE WHISTLING AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!!! INNOCENT CHILDREN JUST LOST THEIR LIVES AND YOU SIT HERE HUMMMING TUNES FROM SOME UNKNOWN BAND?!!!!!!!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRgh----!"

_stab_

Claude: "Ummm, we could just say he was a thief or something, right?"

Director: "...yeah."

Claude: "So, Captain, when are we setting sail?"

Captain: "Yer kiddin me, I hope."

Claude: "No, actually, I---"

Rena: "---Of course he's kidding. Hahahahaha, funny Claude, funny..."

Celine: "Anway, my darling man of the ocean waves, is there no other way to El?"

Captain: "I suppose ya could take the ship from Lacour. Here's yer Passport back."

_unnecesarily long and elaborate music plays, restricting confirmation for a good 5 seconds_

Claude: "Well that certainly WAS unnecessarily long and elaborate. Why'd you do that?"

Captain: "It was the gods, I tells ya, the gods...in any case, you gotta go ta Herlie in order to get ta Lacour. But first I suggest ya go ta Mars."

Claude: "To get more candy bars?"

Captain: (sarcastically) "Of course, ya can get all the candy bars ya want thar----Look, if ya don't NEED my advice, stop asking for it! Leave me be, ya persian perch."

Rena: "But-----oh fine. Let's be on our way."

_(tries to leave)_

_ SMACK! _

_(crashes into some sort of invisible barrier)  
_

Rena: "OWWWW!"

Celine: "It would appear that we cannot leave the cape yet."

Director: "Huh? Oh yeah...check up on Ketil."

Claude: "Oh yeah, that poor little boy's probably going through emotional trauma right now."

_approaches Ketil_

Claude: "Hey buddy, how's it going?"

Ketil: "I...sniff...uhhhhh, ummmmm, lost, ummmm, sob, one of my, uhhhh, friends today. cries Can you guys stay with me for a while? My mommy's gone, and----guys? Guys?"

_silence_

* * *

**End Part V  
**

* * *

_  
_


	6. Save the Children! Mars Village crisis

**Part VI**

(World Map)

Claude: "Where we headed?"

Celine: "Deary dear, did you not hear the Captain? We're going to Mars, my---hometown."

Rena: "Hometown?"

Claude: "Hahahaha, ZING! (_makes whip sound_) So, the embarrassing truth about Celine has been revealed."

Celine: "What are you talking about? I love my village..."

Claude: "Sure ya do. (_giggle_) Celine, it's okay to be honest once in a while. I KNOW this is an Undeveloped Planet, but it's not a futuristic phrase to say you come from a planet used strictly for mentally disturbed prisoners..."

Celine: "What?!! Planet? And what grounds gives you right to insult my village like that?"

Mayor Regis: "Well, as for grounds, I can recite from our local legends passed down by our---"

Director: "..." (_shoots Regis_)

Rena: "Oh my Tria, what HAVE YOU DONE?!! Regis!!!"

Director: "Can someone explain to me how the !$&# he appeared out of nowhere to say that? I didn't think so."

Regis: (regaining conciousness) "You are being so vague that I have trouble understanding----"

_neck gets broken_

Rena: "OH MY TRIA, what have you DONE?!!"

Claude: "Rena, that was you."

Rena: "Oh. But I-----oh. Ummm...so what should we?--oh."

_tranquillity_

Claude: (silence breaker) "OH OH IT'S MAGIC! YA KNOW-OH-OH!!"

_whap!_

Director: "You, shut up. Rena, forget it. And Celine, don't worry about what Claude said. Just mosey on over to the VILLAGE of Mars. The enemies are nothing here, so you should be able to survive the journey."

Assistant: "Yeah, Claude's CON effectively reduces all damage to 0 for him at the moment. Good thing, too, cuz he's almost out of HP."

_blank stares_

Director: "...and you, go smoke your bong elsewhere. Move out!"

Claude: "Hmmm...we should check out that mountain path. Might find something interesting."

_enters Mountain Palace, where several refugees have gathered_

Refugee 1: "Pleaaase, help us! Let us in!"

Soldier: "I am sorry, but you need the official authorization from the King of Cross in order to proceed further."

Refugee 2: "Are you heartless? We're dying!"

Soldier: "Hmmm...there is one exception. If you could find the secret chest containing a Luna Tablet in here, I'll let you guys bum around in the palace."

Refugee 3: "You've got a deal. Everyone, spread out!"

(5 hours later)

Refugee 19: "It's HOPELESS! We can't find it anywhere!"

Soldier: "All right, fine. I'll give you a clue. It's somewhere in this room."

Refugee 14: (_smacks head_) "Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Let's go, everyone. It's in here somewhere!"

(2 hours later)

Refugee 1: "AHHHH, WHAT'S IT TAKE?!! I can't find it, even with the clue. Just let us in."

Claude: "(Hmmm...are they talking about the chest right there in the room? Man, these guys are as stupid as my father's crew. I better spare them the brain damage.)

_opens chest, takes Luna Tablet, and leaves_

Soldier: "Calm down everyone, calm down! I'll give you another clue. It's right there." (_points at it_)

Refugee 10: "Hurray, we're saved!"

Refugee 2: "What the, it's empty!"

Soldier: "Oh. That young man must have taken it before he left. Ah well. Too bad for you guys. Now, GET THE HECK OFFA THE KING'S PRIVATE PROPERTY!!!"

Old Refugee: "Can I at least have my cane back?"

Soldier: (_breaks in half_) "Here you go. SCRAM!!!!"

Old Refugee: (_cries_)

(Village of Mars)

Villager: "Celine!!!"

Celine: "Villager! Good to see you again. How are you and Little Boy doing?"

Villager: "Little Boy, along with all our village's children, have been kidnapped!!!!"

Celine: "I must speak with Elder immediately! Out of the way old man."

Old Geezer: "I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you have me confused with----OUCH!!"

_gets shoved_

(Elder's House)

Celine's Mother, Labe: "Celine!"

Labe's Daughter, Celine: "Mother! What is going on?"

Celine's Father, Eglas: "Please, sit down and we'll explain everything."

Ronixix J. Kenni's Son, Claude: "Ummm, okay."

Worthless Son of Earth Federation Hero John Raine, the Director: "Will someone stop with us and leave the damn names the way they're supposed to be?"

Husband to a Murdered Wife, Father to a Murdered Son, the Assistant Director: "But you told me to put some spice into whatever script we could manage to add."

Russell Crowe: "HEY NO FAIR! I'M SO SUING YOUR $&# OFF!!"

_teleports away_

Celine: "Oh my...where did that chap come from?"

Elder: "I don't know. He's been in this house for years now. I just never took the time to actually acknowledge his existence."

Dias Flac: "...what kind of village is this dump? You can't keep an eye on any of your children, plus you let strangers live with you without you even 'knowing' about it?"

Celine: "I cannot believe the rudeness of this man! Oh, but he's so bloody hot, hrrmmmm...carry on."

Rena: "Dias! You're here. Why?"

Claude: "Shhh! The old man speaks."

_eats some popcorn_

Elder: "As you may already know, all of our village's children have been kidnapped while we were binge drinking at the Inn. The children were put in their cages like usual, but somehow the bandits that raided the village were able to carry the cages with them."

Dias: "..."

Rena: "Where did they take them?"

Master of Heraldry: "I was training in the Heraldry Forest when a bandit gave me a message and then ran off. It said that if we wanted our children back, we must give them 200,000 FOL and the Book of Secret Seals."

Elder: "The Book of Secret Seals?"

Dias: "...are you deaf? I take it that it's your village's most sacred collection of spells and the like. I thought village elders were required to know these things..."

Eglas: "Silence you out-of-town Air Slash spamming warrior! Think you could do any better as an elder?"

Dias Flac: "I'll have no more of this! I'm going to the Inn."

Rena: "Dias..."

Dias: "...it's been a long time, Rena. I hardly even recognized you."

_leaves_

Rena: "..."

Eglas: "...anyway, what's shocking is that these bandits were actually able to enter the Heraldry Forest. They have the children holed up in a shack deep within it."

Claude: "What's so suprising about bandits entering the forest?"

Elder: "Well, we knew that someday bandits and other scumbags may seek refuge there, so we prepared advanced defensive crests with powerful inscriptions to keep bandits out."

Rena: "How did you do that? Heraldry?"

Elder: "...No. We placed signs within the Forest that read---"

_**NO BANDITS ALLOWED**_

Elder: "How can we stop such men with the ability to bypass such a power as those inscriptions?"

Director: "(For the love of...that Dias had the right idea)"

_heads to Inn  
_

* * *

**OK, here's the plan.**

(Elder's House, Mars)

Celine: "Whatever are we to do?"

Eglas: "Simple. We're going to march into the forest and kill those Bandits, effectively rescuing the children at the same time."

Claude: "Why haven't you done that already?"

Eglas: "Because Master Flac is being a bit selfish."

Claude: "Selfish?"

Elder: "Yes. He wants to take out all of the bandits by himself, seeing as it would be a good warm-up for the Tournament of Arms."

Rena: "Why is he even here if you didn't need him to crush the enemy?"

Eglas: "Because he is such a master swordsman that there is none who do not know his name."

Rena: "..."

Claude: "What the heck are we all sitting around here for then? Let's go get 'em!"

Master of Heraldry: "I object to this! We should just hand them over the FOL and book. That swordsman cannot be trusted anyway. He made the Elder look like a fool!"

Elder: "Fool. P-H-U-L-E. Fool. Ahahahahahaha!"

_squeals in delight_

Rena: "(Holy crap, he's dumber than Claude...)"

Eglas: "...besides, we cannot leave this village unattended."

Celine: "Then let Claude and I take care of them."

Rena: "What about me?"

Claude: "Uh, you're not a part of the script the Assistant just wrote for us to say. According to this, you should be-----aha! Well, let's just say that you and Dias are 'spending the night' at the Inn. TEE HEE HEE!"

Rena: "WHAT?!!! We're just friends!!!"

Assistant: "H-hey, don't look at me..."

Claude: "Oh hush, Rena. Chillax and enjoy yourself while we do the dirty work. Oh wait, YOU'RE technically doing the dirty work, heheheh..."

Rena: "SHUT THE $&?# UP! WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!!! I AM SO OUTTA HERE!"

_slams door_

Celine: (_sweatdrop_) "What was that, all of a sudden?"

Claude: "Beats me. What's so horrible about cleaning up the Inn with her childhood pal in exchange for a free night's rest there? Not to mention those two can catch up."

Celine: "Yes, what a strange girl..."

Claude: "So...is it settled that Celine, Dias, Rena, and I will be charged with rescuing the children tomorrow?"

Eglas: "I guess so."

Master of Heraldry: "Very well. I'll be waiting you two. Waiting until I can send you to HELL!!!"

Claude: "Huh?"

Master of Heraldry: "...TO EL! Waiting to send you to EL, heh."

Rena: "Oh! You're a sailor?"

Master of Heraldry: "Yeah, and that makes you a #!&#$ ."

Rena: "Eh?"

Master of Heraldry: "...A SNITCH! Hahahaha, a snitch for telling others my job, that is. Oh, you. Heheheheh."

_nudges_

Eglas: "You told us you were a Master of Heraldry..."

Master of Heraldry: "Of course I am! Who else here knows about spells like----uh, MEGA TORNADO BEAM LASER or---hmmm---ULTIMATE DOOM, or-----HURRICANE SHOCKWAVES, and the infamous KINKY TWIRL WITH A MICHAEL JACKSON GRAB AT THE END...which I cast...NOW!"

_snaps finger_

Michael Jackson: "WOO!"

_fairy twirl_

_performs the GRAB_

_CRACK!_

Michael Jackson: "YEOOOWWWWW!!! AHHHH, DAMN IT HURTS!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!"

Everyone: "Ouchers!"

Master of Heraldry: "I rest my case."

* * *

**Request for Aid**

(Mars, Inn)

Dias: "Rena? What are you doing here?"

Rena: "Dias, can I ask you a favor?"

Dias: "Ummmm...I guess so."

Rena: "Please, fight with us."

Dias: "Why? Your friends will be nothing more than an encumberance."

Rena: "Well duh! That's why we need your help!"

Dias: "...?"

Rena: "For starters, we've got Claude. Now tell me Dias...what was the name of the first technique you learned when you started to learn the ways of the sword? How long did it take you to use it with ease?"

Dias: "Air Slash. Took about 10 minutes. Why?"

Rena: "Claude JUST learned how to use it, after I got bored sick watching him practice 1,827,921 times against camera guys."

Dias: (_sweatdrop_)

Rena: "Then there's Celine, the master of weak spells that can barely fend off a Lizardaxe. Not to mention her aiming sucks with it."

Dias: "And is there a young girl who casts crappy healing spells and an attack magic that utilizes a falling piece of metal, often hitting herself or an ally?"

Rena: "You've got it. She's such a stubborn $!#&#, too."

Dias: (_light chuckle_)

Rena: "...HEY!!!!"

Dias: "Heh, you've really made my day Rena. I'll agree to help you for a bit. As long as you guys can keep up the entertainment. The minute they grow old and tiresome, I'm leaving. Sound good?"

Rena: "Ah, Ye-YES!"

_hums to self_

Rena: "Cecile says 'Thank you', too."

_walks out_

Dias: "...Heaven was a little too far away. I couldn't hear her."

Cecile: "Burn...this...place...dooooowwwwn..."

Dias: "Cecile?!! Who's there?!"

Cecile: "Kill...all...in your...paaaaaaaaaath..."

Dias: "(Is this all----in my head?)"

Cecile: "Learn the Dark Side...Dias Flanakin. You will become...UNSTOPPABLE!!! RARR!!!"

Dias: "...AHA!"

_rips out curtains_

Cecile's...Ghost?: "WHOAH!!!! EASY BUDDY!"

Dias: "CHARLIE?"

Charlie: "Dang. I thought we could've played a nice game of _Hide and Seek_, too."

Dias: "...your ending sucked."

Charlie: "You suck! Now I have to go play with that Three-Eyed Fellow. He at least appreciates high-quality horror film."

_vanishes the way ghosts often tend to, seeing as they lack physical forms that restrict them from having to appear in one place at one time, due to complex formulas such as...Ah, forget it! I don't get bloody paid enough for this anyway. Think about it. Without me, how could you possibly express the millions of actions that are impossible to vividly show in the normal dialogue? Huh? EVER THINK OF THAT WHEN READING THIS?!!!! I BET NOT! YOU JUST CONTINUE TO LIVE YOUR PATHETIC LIVES, COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THE BEAUTIFUL SOUL RESIDING WITHIN THE ITALICS. Respect me! Cherish me! Love me! Marry me! For the LOVE OF LIFE ITSELF, SHOW ME THE--------_

(gets shot)

_...UGAAAAH...HEY...PARENTHESES?! My old...arch...enemy...what have you done...what have...you...done..._

(dies)

-

_SLAM!_

(book cover gets shut)

Dias: "What kind of twisted author writes a book like 'Italics: The Untold Story IV (HOT PICS INCLUDED FREE!)'? Meh..."

_trashes  
_

* * *

**Claude the Swordsman  
**

(Mars)

Rena: "Hey everybody! I've got some great news!"

Claude: "You're pregnant?! Wow, that was quick..."

_gets slapped_

Rena: "No. Dias says he's willing to join us."

Director: "He'll come for free?"

Rena: "Yup."

Director: "Finally, someone who can teach Claude a lesson in swordplay."

Claude: "What are you talking about? I know plenty of swordplay. Watch this!"

_holds sword up_

Claude: "I learned this technique after months of basketball practice. See? I just place the tip of the blade on my pinky, like-----OWWWW!!!---this...and spin it!"

_cutting sounds_

Claude: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! OH CRAP MY FINGER!!! AHHH THE PAIN!!!"

_blood spurts everywhere_

Celine: "Someone HELP him!"

Director: "In a minute..." (_sips beer_)

Rena: "What can we do? There is no recovery in the Heraldic Arts! Where's a Nedian when you need one?"

Celine: "She's right, he's doomed!"

Claude: "AAAAUUUUUGH!! OUCH OUCH OUCH OOOOOGGG!!!!"

Director: "Rena, use a damn Blueberry already!"

Rena: "Oh, right."

_smears Blueberry on wound_

Claude: "Phew, thanks."

Director: "What the heck were you thinking?"

Claude: "Okay, I'll admit, that trick sucks, but this one is much better."

_hands apple to Camera Dude #73_

Claude: "Stand over there, and put that thing on your head."

Camera Dude #73: "Must...obey..."

Claude: "All right, now watch as this sword cuts clean through the center of the apple!"

Director: "No, you idiot!"

Assistant: "It's okay, sir. I've seen him do this. It's his only redeeming talent."

Claude: "Ready...aim...fire!"

Camera Dude #73: "Mmmmmm...apple..."

_proceeds to eat apple_

_throws sword_

**SHING!!!**

Camera Dude #73: (_is impaled_)

Claude: "Oh crap."

Director: "You break, you bury. You know the drill."

Claude: "Yeah, yeah..."

Assistant: "Couldn't we just let No.73 stay at the Elder's House? There's a Mandatory healing coming up in a few----"

Director: "Now what kind of example would that be setting for Claude? You want him to take the easy way out all the time? Life isn't a game, you know. We all have our own individual lessons to learn. Take care of him, Claude. He'd want it that way."

Claude: "Yes sir."

(10 minutes later)

Rena: "Where'd you bury him?"

Claude: "Underneath the carpet at the Golden Spoon."

(Meanwhile...)

Middle-Aged Woman: "La dee da...WHOAH!"

_trips on carpet_

Middle-Aged Woman: "Huh? What is this human-shaped lump doing on my carpet?"

_trips again, different spot_

Middle-Aged Woman: "What? And now here's a lump in the shape of my ex-husband?!!"

_shocked silence_

Middle-Aged Woman: "(Oh that's right. I murdered him. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!)"

_smiles, whistles the Daikon Miso Soup theme song  
_

* * *

**A Secret Admirer**

(Mars Village, near Elder's House)

Rena: So, ummm, is it okay if Dias comes with us?

Director: Of course.

Claude: Hmmmm, I dunno...

Rena: HUH? WHY?

Claude: Calm down. Can we really trust a long-haired loner with a heavy taste for ellipsisisses?

Rena: "..."

Claude: SEE?! LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE TO YOU!!! OH MY GOSH, WHERE'S THE OLD YOU? THE ONE WHO ALWAYS GIGGLED AT MY 'YOUR MOM IS SO FAT' JOKES AND TRIED TO CAST HEAL ON ME AFTER I ALREADY GOT KILLED BY THAT BALLOON ENEMY IN LASGUSS?!! WAAAH!

Director: How the $!&# could he have been beaten by a Shout? All they freaking do is drain MP!

Assistant: With Claude, sir, it's best not to ask.

Rena: Geez Claude, you are the most immature 19 year old on the face of the planet!

Claude: Yeah, well you should just run back to your little swordsman-wannabe boyfriend! I mean c'mon, who uses a CURVED sword when fighting? I saw his sheath!

Celine: Curved swords are some of the most effective weapons on Expel, Claude. They're known for their superior splitting power and circumferential slash speed.

Claude: Since when did you become an expert on swords? You want circumcisional slush spit or whatever? Then watch this!

_sword swing starts_

Claude: Take that!

_Squall uses a Gemity Terminal to transport to Mars, rewrites the Da Vinci Code from memory on his palm, warns Farmer Brown to let him Down, mutates into the third Ragnarok, takes on Odin but fails, gets mad and starts hopping on U.S. politicians, blames UFOs and Jimmy Carter for the first removal of Family Guy on public television, tosses three dice, flies solemnly towards Claude's wallet and---_

**SHING!**

Claude: SQUALL! Hey, what are you even doing here?

Squall: What am I...doing here? You said 'Whatever'. That...is...my...line...Just thought I'd..drop by...And---now look what happened...

_dies, vanishes_

Claude: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Claude: What the---AHHHH!!! I'm missing $50! But how?!

Director: I thought you were out of real money...

Claude: No, I managed to swipe some from that Three-Eyed Man. It was either that or his fully-charged Communicator. Heheheh, what an easy choice.

Director: (_is PO'D_)

Rena: (_puts face dow_n) Claude may not need him, but I need Dias.

Claude: Whoah! Do that again! I rarely get to see your face do that. Show some originality, like me.

_falls on ground, sits, closes eyes, and shakes head repeatedly_

Celine: (_sweatdrop_)

Rena: ...Claude, I really hate you sometimes.

_runs away_

Claude: Rena!

(Inn)

Dias: Judging by the way your face is drooping down, which---by the way---is better than that dull, bland look you always sport---I'm guessing that things didn't go as expected.

Rena: STOP PICKING ON ME!

Dias: (_stunned silence_)

Rena: Oh, I mean...'You're not even looking at me'.

Dias: There are some things that one can tell without looking.

Rena: "..."

Dias: This wasn't the case, though. I was watching you from this window here.

Fangirl (from outside): Marry me Dias!

Dias: (_rolls eyes_) ...not now.

_shuts window_

Fanboy (after witnessing convo) The witch has seen his face without wearing a veil! GET HER!

Fangirl: Now wait just one...AHHHH! NO, NOT MY LEGS! GAAWW! OH SAVE ME DIA--

_is too late  
_

* * *

**Memories**

(Mars, Inn, Night)

Rena: "Dias, I'm coming with you to save the children."

Dias: "Fine with me. Just try not to get in my way."

Rena: "You know, being physically strong and skilled like you isn't the only way a person CAN be strong, you know. There are other qualities that equally match strength such as yours."

Dias: "Hmmm...like what?"

Rena: "Like...ummmm...uhhhh..."

Dias: "I see you've made your point. Let's get some sleep."

Rena: (_grumble bumble mumble_)

_serene sleeping music plays...yawn_

Dias: "Let's go."

Rena: "Yes, let us do that."

_stepping outside_

Dias: "Oh yeah, here. The Elder told us that we'll be needing these Mud Boots to get farther in the forest."

Rena: "Gee, thanks. The fact that you gave me these means you see me as a friend, right?"

Dias: "...not really. I just don't want to put those on in place of my shiny new Silver Greaves."

_flashes shinies_

Rena: "Oh...but, didn't you make me a flower necklace when I was little?"

Dias: "Palmira's Wishing Charm? Yeah, how could I forget?"

Rena: "Then the war started."

Dias: "Yes. We were separated, you and I."

Rena: "But our hearts were never separate. I wished and prayed every day for you to come back into my life, and you have! That was my wish, Dias!"

Dias: "I promised...to end this war...so I could see you in...Arlia...again...I couldn't end the war...but I got to see you again...that was all I could ever hope for..."

Rena: "Dias..."

Dias: "Amee-----na..."

Rena: "Ameena? **AMEENA?!!!!! **WHO THE $&!# IS SHE?!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?! AAAAAAARRRGGG I HATE YOU!!!"

_slams Dias' dying arm on ground_

Dias: "..." (_dies_)

Rena: "Ah, what the h&#$."

_dies as well_

???: "No, this is all my fault!  
NOOOOOOOOOOO-OH-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Another ???: "Shut up, crybaby."

_punches ??? in the face, breaking nose_

**POOF!**

Dias: "RENA!!! Snap out of it!"

Rena: "...huh? Oh, hey Dias. Where am I?"

Dias: "You dozed off after asking me about some flower necklace, to which I replied 'Maybe'. What's happened to you? Do you black out on a regular basis?"

Rena: "Ah, never mind about that. The children!"

Dias: "Yeah, yeah. Come on, softie."

_entering forest_

Rena: "Oh good. A well-placed Save Point. Better use it before a hard fight starts."

Dias: "Save? Hard? Ha."

_next screen_

Bandit A: "Omigosh you dare endanger the lives of the children?!"

Bandit B: "Like omigosh they really are!"

Bandit C: "I pee'd myself. Heeheeeheee!!"

* * *

**Tango with the Bandits**

(Like omigosh, the Heraldry Forest?!)

Bandit A: Like omigosh, that header above me is sooo plagiarism.

Bandit B: Omigosh it like totally is! We're so going to take care of that after we kill these trespassers. What do you think, C?

Bandit C: ...I need to wipe off my 'accident'...

Bandit A: Hello? Just use some leaves.

Bandit C: Okee-day, whatever you say.

Rena: (Dias! Now's our chance!)

Dias: (We can't do a thing until their dialogue is finished...)

Rena: (Mmmm, man! They'd better finish up soon.)

Bandit C: Awww, geez, this purple flower's leaves just aren't doing the trick. Now it's all purple!

Bandit B: Omigosh C, like that's Wolfsbane!!!!

Bandit C: ACCK! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFFFFFF!!!

Bandit A: Like omigosh dude, we are NOT going there, if you know what ahm sayin. Just try and stop the poison from spreading, m'kay?

Bandit C: YOW!! This poison's really intensifying. It's like an acid liquid crawling up to my heart. I can't stop it!!

Bandit B: Omigosh you have to ISOLATE it!

Bandit C: How?

Bandit B: _(whistles, flashes scimitar)_

Bandit C: Righty-oh, righty-shmoe, isolation, HERE WE GO!

_HACK_

Bandit C: (_SCREAM SO HIGH-PITCHED THAT IT HAS BEEN RENDERED INAUDIBLE FOR MOST SOUND SYSTEMS_)

Bandit A and B: (_stunned faces_)

Dias: Are you done yet?

Rena: Yeah, we have to hurry up and save the children.

Bandit A: But we were getting to the good parts...ah, heck. I'm a nice fellah, and I admire your desire to save those kiddies. Let's go, you two!

Bandit C: (_in shock_)

Bandit B: All right, I guess it's just 2-on-2 then.

Rena: Wait! Why not just let us pass?

Bandit A: Hmmm, now that you put it THAT way...

Dias: Heck no. Think I'm going to let you get away with wasting my time?

Bandit A: Uh-oh.

_battle starts_

Dias: Piece of junk...

_pokes Bandit C_

0 Damage

Bandit C: No! My remaining -10,000 HP! How could you? Aaaagggg!

_dies_

Rena: Better be careful!

Dias: Yeah, right.

Rena: What? What did I say?

Dias: Never mind...

Bandit A: Begin...targeting phase!

_walks randomly around the battlefield_

Bandit B: Hahaha, now you shall all see the devastating effects of Manual targeting! For example, now I can target the furthest enemy away---the long-haired weakling guy!

Dias: That's it...come a little closer...

Bandit B: Charge!

Dias: "..."

_turns back to enemy_

Bandit B: Fool! Attack from the rear and you'll never miss! Believe me, there's no need to take unnecessary risks!

Bandit A: Nice quote there, B2. You'll make a great Fighting Man someday.

Bandit B: Thanks B1! Wouldn't that be something? I'd hug you if I weren't in Manual mode.

Bandit A: Awwww, B2...

_Bananas in Pajamas sing-along plays_

Bandit B: Remember the Alamoooooooo!!!

_slash!_

0 Damage

Bandit B: Crikey, his CON is up the roof!

Bandit A: Isn't that more of a PRO?

Bandit B: $&!# if I KNO.

Dias: ...SO..

Bandit A: The fool mocks us by continuing our no-brow humor ryhme! Get him!

_struggles to move_

Bandit B: Oh, dude! I forgot to tell you how to move using the Manual style. All you have to do is hold down the sq---

Dias: Cross Wave!

_two sky blue waves cut through Bandit B, slicing him into quarters_

Bandit A: Oh &!#$.

Rena: Just one left Dias. You can finish him off with normal attacks.

Dias: Rarrr, I'm a loner. Don't tell me what to do.

Bandit A: Fury!

0 Damage

Dias: Oh, you're still here?

Bandit A: Uhhhh...no? Heheh...

Dias: Air Slash!

_evil blue shockwave of doom traveling at 300 mph_

Bandit A: EEEEEK! (_dies_)

Dias: Waste of time.

Rena: Hey, they dropped something. Whaddaya call this? Suplier? Sap fire? Sophia?

Dias: S-A-P-P-H-I-R-E.

Rena: Oh...HEY, it's blue just like you! Isn't that so romantic?

Dias: (_groans_) Stop wasting time.

(Meanwhile)

Claude: (Whoah! I can see nothing but darkness. Must be my conscious self trying to talk to me again...jeez.)

???: ...That reminds me.

Claude: You again? Who are you?

???: You'll find out soon. But more importantly, 5 days ago...

Claude: 5 days ago... Earth?

???: No...Expel you dumb&$$. Anyway, when you were at Cross Cave, Celine was your guide right?

Claude: Yeah, I was surprised.

???: But where was Celine other than that?

Claude: I dunno.

???: It was a great chance for you two to see each other again.

Claude: You're right.

???: Why couldn't you see each other alone?

Claude: ...I don't know. I can't remember clearly...

???: Why don't you try asking Celine?

Claude: ...Yeah.

???: Then, get up!

Celine: WAKE UP CLAUDE!!!

Claude: Celine, ummm, you know how we met in Cross? Where were you other than that?

Celine: I don't know. We saw each other, right?

Claude: The other time...

Celine: No, I don't remember. It's been so long. But come outside, you've got to see this!

_goes outside_

Claude: Huh? Where's the Rufus parade?

Director: What are you talking about? Anyway, look what time it is you idiot! Rena and Dias already set out, and they've most likely killed all the bandits by now. Go go go! We need some violence for this film.

Assistant: If anything, we need less violence...

???: That reminds me.

Assistant: Uh?

???: You'll find out soo---OW!!

_Director somehow pulls ??? out of Assistant's mind_

Director: Get out of here, you Squaresoft reject! And stop infringing on our own copyrights. It's not fair that you guys get to blast our people to pieces while we can't do the same to you.

???: Very well. I shall leave you for now. But rest be assured, even as we speak, our minions are penetrating your silly world, copyright or no. I have seen the future...Square and Enix shall be one...be one...be...

**BLAM!!!!**

???: Ah, no, my face, my beautiful, black background of a face!

_blackout_

Director: Phew.

???: ...That reminds me.

Claude: You AGAIN?!

???: That blackout just healed me. Can't you see that I'm nothing more (and nothing less) than pure darkness? Now I shall show you its true potential and deadly force!

Director: Quick, grab him!

???: Hey, you can't just come over here and----aaaaah!

Director: To the Inn!

(Inn)

???: Gah, what are you doing?!

Director: Turbo controller in?

Assistant: In.

Director: Infinite FOL cheat on?

Claude: On!

Director: And...set! Let's roll.

_runs away_

Proprieter: Welcome to my Inn. The fee is 30 FOL per night. Would you like to stay?

YES/NO

???: Of course n---

Proprieter: Yes? All right. Please enjoy your stay!

_blackout, Inn music plays_

???: (Now where am I?)

???: ...That reminds me.

???: ...That reminds me.

???: ...That reminds me.

???: Huh? Who are you guys?

???: You'll find out soon. But more importantly, 5 Years ago...

???: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

**Out of his shell.**

(Heraldry Forest)

Rena: "Oh no! We've got a problem. Look at the size of this mudhole."

Dias: "Can't we just walk around it?"

Rena: tries "Nope. This is really #$!&#$ up."

Dias: "Mud Boots?"

Rena: "Oh ya!" (_equips, walks across_)

Mud Pit: (_sigh_) "My one weakness. How did you know? Shrieeeeeeek!!!" (_dies_)

Rena: "Dias, I'm scared. Mudholes aren't supposed to talk."

Dias: "...oh, the enemy."

Rena: "Wha?"

_battle starts_

Dias: "Behind?"

Rena: "The back?!"

Carlaeagle: "Squawk! Enemy approaching!"

Carlaeagle 2: "Graawk! Copy that!"

Carlaeagle 3: "Engaging according to mission parameters, QUACK!"

Rena: "Awww...how cute." (_hugs_)

Carlaeagle 2: "Grawwkk! Oh no, they're trying to entice Carl!"

Rena: "What? Aren't you all female?"

Carlaeagle: "Squawk! Heck No!"

Rena: "Carla-Eagle."

Carlaeagle 3: "Carl. A Eagle. QUACK!"

Carlaeagle 2: "Graaawwwk! Missiles launch!"

_multiple barrage of nastiness fires out_

Dias: "I'll save you Rena!"

_dives in to protect her_

1000 Damage X 10

Dias: "Naaaauuugghh!! Rena, I...love...you..."

Rena: "YAY! I KNEW YOU'D ADMIT IT! WHOO! D-Dias?"

-

_bubble pop_

Rena: "Dangit, another flashback ruined."

Dias: "Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash!"

Rena: (_sweatdrop_)

(Meanwhile)

Bugbear: "Me hungy! I think I eat that fruit from tree."

_tree gets Air Slash'D_

Bugbear: "Aww, nuts. I think I go drink water from stream then."

_stream is Air Slash'D_

Bugbear: "Awwwww, crumbs and biscuits! I think I go follow black streak in the horizon instead."

_is Air Slash'D_

Bugbear: "Awwwwwwwww...poop."

_dies----poop is also Air Slash'D_

Dias: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash! Air Slash!"

Rena: "(Hoo boy, he never told me about **THIS**...)"

* * *

**Their turn.**

(Heraldry Forest, where else?)

Claude: Why is the forest on fire? And why is the fire a dark blue?

Director: No idea...certainly wasn't Rena's doing.

Everyone: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Celine: (_crying in laughter_) Oh, that's just TOO much! Hahahah!!! Rena, capable of anything? Thhbbtt!

Claude: It's not too late for us to scram, you know. The children are most likely dead, plus we'll be rid of Rena.

Director: (Hey, he's got a good point there...)

Assistant: Yeah, but then we'd have to deal with the Elder and all the townspeople that are waiting for us at the entrance.

(Director looks at villagers behind entrance)

Labe: (hands over eyes) Where's Elder? (_gasp_) Where's Elder?

Elder: (_eyes widen with excitement_)

Labe: (revealing face) THERE HE IS!!!

Elder: AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

_clapping, more squeals of utter delight_

Director: ...Claude, go find the damn children.

(next screen)

Claude: Whoah! I stopped for some reason. Can't...move. What's going on? PANIC! PANIC IN THE STREETS! Oh noes, the camera view is moving to the right! Ahhhh, the horror!

Director: (What the heck is he talking about this time?)

Assistant: I have no fricking clue. All we did was have Camera Dude #487 shift a bit to the right behind those bushes there.

Bandit A Redux: You? Money? No? What? Children?

Celine: I'm confused. Just what are you trying to convey?

Bandit B Redux: Huh? English? You? Die!

Claude: It's okay Celine. I know how to deal with their kind.

(pause)

Claude: (lashing out) GRAAAAAAHH BLAAAHHH OOOOOGGGAAAAA SNARWL REEEEEOOO!!! Bloo blah blee reeeeookkkk!

Bandit C Redux: (_wets himself, again_)

Claude: Haha, I've got 'em on the run! This one's mine!

_battle starts_

Claude: All right Celine, here's the plan. This is a forced fight, so expect a long and bloody battle. You're job is stand completely still, acting as a decoy. I will be bulking up on Blueberries in the meantime, and finishing up my chess game with C-Dude #487. The Bandits should start targeting you by the time I win at chess. At that point, run diagnally away from the closest Bandit and say the secret password. I will then proceed to gorge on our Blackberry supply. (You don't mind do you? I'm sure you won't be needing them...) Try to get sandwiched in-between them, dodging blows left and right. They have the slowest slashes of any enemy on Expel, so that shouldn't be a problem. When that's done, run to the northwest corner of the battlefield. The blue energy balls rarely penetrate that area, so you should do fine. Avoid the big red tentacles, and try not to bother me while I'm eating. Any questions?

Celine: Umm, Claude, we already won. Gotta love my Ray.

Claude: Ah, darnit. You lucked out...that time.

_LEVEL UPz0rz_

Claude: w00t, learned Shooting Stars, arguably the strongest Killer Move in the universe. Second to my Air Slash, of course.

Director: "..." (_holds back laughter_)

_3x Orichalcum Received_

Claude: WhaOMG! What do you suppose this is?

Celine: Oracle-um?

Claude: Orgychalk? Oreikalcoon? Ori-whats-its? Orikalkum? Oh, Rich Al, come? Ogrelickum? Oreekalkos? Orichhccccalllcun?

Director: Just forget it! We're leaving now.

Claude: A'ight. I'll be with you as soon as I'm done figuring out what this is.

Celine: Claude---I...good luck, okay?

_leaves in tears_

Director: Why are you emotional only at the most craptacular moments possible?

Celine: Because I'm Celine.

Director: ...good point. Almost forgot about that.

Claude: OR...alcum? Olereekkkkum? Oregon Trail? Oralcune? Ocalrichum? Orilkum? Orickaem? Oral-B? Othello?

* * *

**WAY out of his shell.**

(Forest of the Heraldic Arts)

Rena: "Ummmm, uhhh, you certainly are...strong."

Dias: "No doubt."

Rena: "...but don't you think you got a little carried away?"

Dias: "No. Why?"

Rena: "Never mind...let's go."

(screens later)

Bandit D: "So you're the ones I've been hearing about. The ones who defeated Bandit..."

Dias: "What of it? You ready to fall as fast as they did?"

Bandit D: "You've got a lot of guts, but we'll bury you just the same. Leave these scum to me, men!"

Bandit E: "Be my guest."

Bandit F: "Huzzah for D!"

Rena: "Let's go!"

_battle starts_

Bandit D: "Feel my immense power! I alone make the great oceans quake in fear! I give you death!"

0 Damage

Dias: "...are you finished?"

Bandit D: "You put up a good fight. But I wouldn't have it any other way! Now I shall reveal unto you my true form, one that was never revealed in the main story. Bahahahahaha!"

_transforms_

Rena: "Oh. Heck. NO."

Dias: "...I don't believe it."

Rena: "He's all yours, Dias."

_backs off_

Bandit D: "Behold, my ultimate incarnation--FUNNY THIEF!"

Rena: (_giggle_)

Dias: (_half smirk_)

Bandits E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P (I SAID PEE! OMIGOSH LOLZ): "HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!"

Funny Thief: "Ahhh, this wasn't supposed to happen...damn InterAct and their blasted GameShark!"

Rena: "I'll finish him off, Dias."

_chants_

Dias: "Oh no you don't."

_Mandrakes Rena_

Rena: "Wha?...Why?...d.."

Dias: "You lowly insects are going to pay for what you've done to my family."

Funny Thief: "Wut you got, HUH?!"

Dias: "...uuuuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! AIR SLASH! CHAOS SWORD! CROSS WAVE! CRESCENT WAVE! DIE! BREAK APART! HYAH! CROSS WAVE CHAOS SLASH! BREAK APART GREENHORN CRESCENT OF AIR!"

Greenhorn Crescent of Air: "KRRAAAAAAAWWW!!!!"

_breaks apart_

Funny Thief: "Ya----" (_gets diced, sliced, minced, chopped, cut, stewed, and brewn into Winking Sage Cider_)

Bandit F: "So that's where that stuff came from..."

Dias: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGG!"

_chops head off_

Bandit G: "Yay! Now I have dibs on the teddy bear."

_grabs, huggles_

Dias: "CHAOS SWORD!"

_powerful evil airs tear through G's torso_

Bandit L: "He's gone berserk! Everybody, run!"

_gets skewered with Flame Blade_

Forest Mage: "Kudos for getting rid of them for us. Though not directly associated with Mars, you have my gratitude. Here's some FOL for your----AAAAAAAHHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!"

_Air Slash'D_

Bandit H: "Oh noes oh noes oh noes!"

Dias: "Get back here, you!"

_chases_

Bandit H: "Oh noes oh noes oh------"

_trips into a stream_

Dias: (pulling out hatchet) "Aaaaarrrgggh! Grah! Jah! Faaaa!! Waaaahhh!!!"

_continues to hack Bandit for 5 minutes_

Dias (covered in blood): "**IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, FATHER!?!! HUH! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!! MOTHER, WHY DO YOU CRY?! THIS SHOULD EASE YOUR PAIN!! CECILLE, ARE YOU PROUD OF ME YET? I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY, SEE? I'VE BEEN** a good booooooy----"

_sobbing, lamenting, showing of emotions (what the--?)  
_

* * *

**Problem Solving**

(Heraldry Forest, mudhole)

Celine: "Uh-oh..."

Director: "What now?"

Celine: "How am I supposed to cross this thing?"

Director: "Ummmm...walk around it?"

Celine: (_stuggles to get past trees_) "Mgggh!! Nope. Nothing darling."

Director: "What? Let me try------NRRRRGGHH! UGHHH!! AACKK!!"

_huff, puff_

Assistant: "Mr. Director, that's a pebble you're pushing..."

Director: "I KNOW THAT! Don't ever question me again, is that clear?!"

_multiple light slaps on Assistant's face_

Assitant: "Ow ow ow ow ow ow...all right! Sorry, geez."

Director: "Hmmmm...maybe we could try making a landbridge. But what to use------or WHOM?"

_stares at Camera Crew_

Camera Dude #83: "Actually, sir, we found this huge dead tree that we could pl---"

Director: "...Looks like you've just volunteered."

_evil grin_

Camera Dude #83: (_groan_) "Oh, all right. Just don't 'spect a miracle."

_jump, splooch!_

Director: (to Celine) "After you."

Celine: "My, what a gentleman."

_proceeds to walk over_

Camera Dude #83: "Ngmmmmmphhhoaaahh!!!"

_slowy submerges_

Everyone: "..."

Director: "We're gonna need more manpower. Get a landfill going, on the double."

_snaps finger_

Camera Dude #1-200: "YES...MASTER..."

_SPOOCH! FUDGE! DROOP! MUCK!_

Director: "(Heheheh...like flies to a bug zapper.)"

Assistant: "Sir? We still need one more. Besides me, of course."

Director: "Right...BESIDES you...hmmmmm..."

Celine: "I'll go get Claude!"

(scene before mudhole)

Celine: "Claude! Claude! We need your help for a bit!"

Claude: "...oriclum? Orikaklum? Oricalcium? Orcacum? The O.C.?"

Celine: "(Oh, brother...)"

(In the Meantime)

Mage: "Go! Starlight!"

_casting nearly complete_

Dias: "Need some moonlight with that starlight? CRESCENT WAVE!!!"

Mage: "Aaaaaahh no!"

Carlaeagle: "Missiles LAUNCH!"

_tsheeeeeeeeeeeeeeoowww_

0 Damage

Dias: "Break Apart! Die!"

_skewers three eagles at once_

Dias: "..." (_lights on fire_)

Bandit: (_sniff sniff_) "MMMMMM, CHICKEN..."

Another Bandit: "NO! STOP! HE'LL FIND US!"

(Bandit floats toward barbecued birds)

Dias: "Aha!"

_OMG liek Bandit gets Air Slash'D_

Another Bandit: "To the hut!"

Yet Another Bandit: "Pizza Hut?"

Another Bandit: "You idiot! To the super secret cabin! Get out of...OH CRAP!"

_Killer Poison thrown, goes off_

Another Bandit: "AAAAAAAAHHHH THE POISON! IT HURTS AT INTERVALS!"

Yet Another Bandit: "Prepare for isolation procedure!"

Another Bandit: "On three, ready? One, two, THREE!"

_both cut their heads off_

And Yet Another Bandit: "...who taught us that $#!& anyway?"

* * *

**To the Rescue!**

(Deep within the Heraldry Forest)

Dias: (hacking and slashing everything in sight) "GRAAHHH! JAAAAH! Umgaaaaaaah!!"

Amzagil: (leaves super secret cabin): "What's all this ruckus? I was just about to play Twister with the little kiddies...OH MY TRIA!"

Bandit: "Heeelp, sir..." (_becomes deadified_)

Amzagil: "Well that does it...Shielders, follow me!"

Shielders: "Hut hut hut hut!"

Amzagil: "Where's Hans?"

Shielder: "Oh, he said something about 'going out in the woods to commit suicide' or something like that. I figured it was no big deal, so I gave him the go-ahead."

Amzagil: "I hope he can make it through alive..."

-

Hans Shielder: "Goodbye, cruel world!" prepares for stab

Dias: (approaching) "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA! Air Slash!"

_slices through Hans Shielder's knife-bearing arm_

Hans Shielder: "OH THANKS A LOT! NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL MYSELF?!------huh?"

_notices mushroom on ground_

Hans Shielder: "...phew." (_eats_)

_100 percent HP/MP Recovery_

Hans Shielder: "Dammit! Favorite Food..."

-

Amzagil: "Just who the heck are you?"

Dias: (twitching in insanity) "I'm a gooooood little boy, yes! Yes yes yes yes! Read my Oracle every day, I do! Heheheheheheheheheheheheeee!"

Amzagil: (sweating) "Yeah, well I'm the Boss. Kinda. Yet not really. But I still am! Either way, you're just gonna have to die."

Dias: "..."

_battle starts_

Amzagil: "(Hmmm...better scope out the competition...)"

_chucks Spectacles at Dias_

Dias: (_shatter shatter!_) "..." (_licks blood off of face_)

Amzagil: "Hmmmm...only 9999 HP, huh? A little overboard, but not too gut----------LEVEL 255?!!!!!!!!!1+shift!!!11!"

Shielder: "He...he must've cleared out all the respawning life in the forest."

Amzagil: "Uh, you there! Use your flashy thingy."

Shielder: "W-WHAT?!"

Amzagil: "You heard me! You should be able to take unlimited hits while you do so."

Shielder: "I ain't flashing nobody!"

Shielder 2: "What about last night?"

Shielder: "..."

Shielder 3: "Oh great, he's mooning us!" (_hides eyes_)

Shielder: "No I'm not!"

Shielder 2: "No----HIM!"

Shielder: "Wha...oh noes."

_FULL MOON SLASH_

Shielder 4: "Later, stooges. I have an even better idea! DEFENSE MODE!"

_flips sideways on the ground_

Amzagil: "WHAT THE #!$& ARE YOU DOING?!!"

Shielder 4: (laying down) "No worries, Boss! In this mode, I should be able to null all damage done to our Life Poi------OWWWWWWW!!! OW! AAAAAAAGGGGG! STOP! NO, I-I-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

_ground stabbed by Flame Blade_

Amzagil: "Eeep."

Dias: "ILLUSION SCREAM OF THE CRESCENT FIREBIRD, RELEASE THY FULL MOON CHAOS SHOCKWAVE!"

Amzagil: "SHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKSSSS!!---"

_killed by what appears to be one of the sweetest looking Killer Moves in history_

Fulgore: "Dude...mine's better."

_pokes Orchid_

Orchid: "ACH!" _KO'd_

Everyone: _(blank stares)_

Fulgore: "What? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!"

* * *

**...wierd**

(Heraldry Forest, 3 years later...)

Director: Okay Claude, let's try this one more time. What is the name of this metal I'm holding?

Claude: Orik...no wait! Oreekal...oh, that's not it...uhhhh...

Director: Orichalcum!!!

Claude: Oh yeah...hey I'm bored of this game. Can we get on with the filming?

Camera Dude #201: We ran out of film about 6 months ago.

Director: What?!

Camera Dude #201: Yeah, sorry about that. But I thought this project was only supposed to last for three weeks...

Director: Damn! Do we at least have the shot of me giving the Assistant rabbit ears?

Camera Dude #201: (_sweatdrop_) I think so...

Director: Heheh, now that was grade A humor.

Assistant: (Hoo boy, he's lost it...)

Claude: Oh well, we can worry about that later. It's not like rescuing a bunch of bratty children for a ghetto village in the middle of nowhere is solid gold material for a movie. My clips in the forest were more----educational. Now those films are the ones that rake up the most dough. Why, this could rank up right along with Hollywood's legendary _March of the Penguins_!

Director: Hahahahaha! _March of the Penguins_? That was the worst movie I ever saw! Hahahahahahaha!!!

Assistant: (snickering) Gotta agree with you on that one. Morgan Freeman couldn't even live with the shame---he killed himself a year later.

Claude: What?! Nooooooooooooooooooo! My pa told me that he only 'fell asleep'... (_lamenting_)

Assistant: (patting Claude's head) There, there. At least we all know he's in Heaven.

Claude: Really? Yay! (_dances_)

(Gates of Heaven, centuries earlier)

Peter: Ahhh, yes, the great Morgan Freeman. Star of such excellent films as _Bruce Almighty_ and _Unleashed_...we made sure to keep your seat extra warm!

Morgan Freeman: (looking up) Thank you, God! I thought I'd never be forgiven from the sin of narrating that lame penguin documentary...

Peter: That was you?!! BLASHEMY! I blew $8 on that piece of crap! No eternal life for you---I'll give you a taste of what it's like to blow your money on a bunch of worthless trash...Eternal Damnation!

_pulls lever_

(Nothing happens.)

Peter: Oh shucks. It's not working again...hmmm.

Morgan: (sigh of relief) Guess you have to let me in then, right?

Peter: Oh? And what makes a heathen like you think we're going to allow that?

Morgan Freeman: Him.

_points to MGSB, fattening up on grapes whilst playing Scrabble with Mary, Joseph, and Mr. Rogers_

Mr. Rogers: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

MGSB: Dude, SHUDDUP WITH THAT ALREADY!!! Bunch of goody two-shoes talking about the neighborhoods and how their kids are doing and all that boring $&!#! Jeez...I'm outta here.

Mr. Rogers: Can I have my trolley back?

MGSB: No.

Peter: (_sweatdrop_)

Morgan Freeman: Too bad for you, sucka! I'll just open the gate while you're distracted by my finger pointing, and...OW!

Peter: (grabbing Freeman's arm): How dumb do you think I am?

Morgan Freeman: You really want me to answer that?

Peter: That does it...

_pile drives Freeman down through the clouds and into Hell_

Satan: Oh wow, we got Morgan Freeman! Now we'll win Armageddon for sure!

Morgan Freeman: Yup.

Satan: So, uhhhh, what do you think was your best film? Tell me tell me!

Morgan Freeman: (Hmmm...this place is opposite of Heaven, right? Maybe I should avoid mentioning my better ones.)

Morgan Freeman: _March of the Penguins_, hands down.

Satan: "!"

(complete silence, stares)

Satan: ...someone get me my lighter, NOW.

* * *

**Fun!**

(Heraldry Forest)

Claude: "Ewwww, what's with all the dead bodies? And why are they wading in blood?"

Celine: "Darling, that's what happens when people die."

Claude: "Ohhhh, well excuuuuuse me for not having slaughtered thousands of innocent lives like you, Celine. Or should I say, CE-KILL-EVERYONE-LINE?!"

Celine: "..."

(gazing at the bodies)

Director: "Wow. Dias and Rena must've been pretty busy..."

Camera Dudes: "(_smirk_)"

Director: "No double entendre intended, geez."

Camera Dudes: "(_fits of rage and disappointment_)"

Director: (_groans_)

Claude: "Hey, izzat---?"

Rena: "Claude!"

Claude: "Rana!"

Rena: "Well, I see that you're as much of an idiot as ever."

Claude: "Seeing as I never was an idiot, I do believe you've just been---(inhales)----DOUBLE JEOPARDIED!!!"

_aggressively points_

Director: "Cut it out."

_bends finger_

Claude: "Owww ow ow! Sorry..."

Celine: "Anyway, what happened?"

Rena: "Ummm, Dias went a little out of control and started killing everything that showed remote signs of life. He ran out of MP just a few minutes ago---thank Tria---and darted smack dab into a tree, falling unconscious."

Claude: "Hee hee, that reminds me of when my dad came home drunk and beat me down with his Louisville Slugger! He called it the Fun Bumps Game, because after the blackout my forehead would be just filled with funny shapes that looked like hills---sometimes in color!"

Everyone but Director: (wide-eyed, staring at Claude)

Director: (_jots down on To Do List_)

_#1 -CAMERA DUDE NO.201 MUST DIE _

_#2 -CAMERA DUDE NO.202 MUST DIE_

_-_

_-_

_-_

_#98 -CAMERA DUDE NO.84-G5 MUST DIE  
#99 -BLAME ALL CAMERA DUDE DEATHS ON ASSISTANT; AFTERWHICH HE TOO MUST DIE  
**#100 -PLAY 'FUN BUMPS' WITH CLAUDE**_

Director: "(Mwahahahahaha...)"

* * *

**Amateur Filming**

(Symbology Forest)

Director: "So...are the children safe?"

Rena: "Yep. Dias took care of all the guards."

Celine: "Confound it all! Now we have nothing to fight. No boss battles or anything."

Claude: "We could hold wedding ceremonies for all these corpses. That would be fun."

Rena: "How is that fun?"

Claude: "How is it NOT? Think of the hilarious antics! Two dead people making out, one dead person getting jealous of an uglier corpse catching the Wolfsbane bouquet, twisted wedding vows---'Till Life do we part', hahahahahaha!!"

_rolls around_

Assistant: (to Director) "Shall we? Got nuthin else to film."

Director: "Wrong. But... Claude just gave me an idea."

(10 minutes later)

Director: "ACTION!"

Claude: "The zombies! Ahhhh they're everywhere!"

Rena: "Wherefore art thou, zombies?"

Zombies: (a.k.a. Bandit corpses being voiced and controlled by spare Crew) "O'er hither, undead living ones! BLAAAAARRRR!!!"

Rena: (_screams_) "Oh save me, Warrior of Light!"

Claude: "Screw that, maiden. I shall now head for the hills like a solemn pansy flower! Zoop!"

_runs_

Assistant: "(Pssst! Is that part of the script?)"

Director: "(Of course.)"

Assistant: "(But, it's terrible!)"

Director: "(Blah, I'm breaking stereotypes here. People just love that stuff.)"

Assistant: "(Isn't assuming that just stereotyping the thoughts of people?)"

Director: "...you really ARE what the first three letters of your profession spell, aren't you?"

Assistant: (_sniff sniff_) "When will you LOVE me?!"

_stupors off_

Director: (_calmly lights cigar_)

Rena: "Yaah! Hi-ya! Tie eee!"

_punches the literal snot out of the Bandit bodies_

Rena: "EEEK! That is so gross!"

Director: "Keep punching. It builds up tolerance."

Celine: "Have you no respect for the DEAD?"

_zaps a few more bodies with spells_

Director: "Of course I do! I'm making them stars, damnit!"

_pulls out stars cut from yellow construction paper_

Director: "See?"

Celine: (_covers face in aggravation_)

Camera Dude #201: (sarcastically) "Oh ha ha."

Director: "MOCK ME, WILL YOU?!"

_pulls out handy pepper spray_

Camera Dude #201: (being maced) "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Gaaaaaa my eyes!!! My eyes! I'll never question you again, so please stoooooooop!"

Director: stops "Atta boy."

(Meanwhile, off in the distance)

Claude: (trotting) "La dee da...Whoah!"

Claude: "Hullo, mister! What's your name?"

Master of Heraldry: "Die!"

Claude: "Really? That's a weird one. Me? I'm Claude Kenni. I'm an Aquarius with light-blonde hair. I do a mean **Tornado**!"

Master of Heraldry: "What?"

* * *

**The Real Boss Appeareth**

(Heraldry Forest)

Director: "Who the devil are you?"

Master of Heraldry: "You don't remember?"

Celine: "I remember. You're the master that was staying in town when the crisis occurred."

Rena: "How are things going?"

Master of Heraldry: "Everything's taken care of."

Celine: "Ah! So all the Bandits have been cleared out, and the children rescued? Though I suppose we've already come to that conclusion since Rena tagged along prematurely..."

Master of Heraldry: "No, not at all."

Claude: "What do you mean?"

Master of Heraldry: "The one who fell was your father."

Claude: "DAD?! My father's here? Meh, I could care less."

Master of Heraldry: "Not you. Her!"

Claude: "Rena? Omigosh your fake poppy's ghost came here to haunt us?!"

Master of Heraldry: "Are your eyes out of socket? I'm pointing to THAT girl!"

_Claude bows in respect_

Claude: "My apologies, madam. I didn't realize you were a-"

Master of Heraldry: "NOT ME!!! LOOK WHERE MY RIGHT HAND IS POINTING!!!"

Claude: "Ohhhhhhhhhhh..."

Director: (to Camera Crew) "You stopped recording this part, right?"

Camera Dude: "Of course. FYI we changed the 'STOP' button so it says 'CLAUDE' instead. You like?"

Director: "Yes. But not enough to give you a raise. Ahahahahahaha!"

Camera Dude: "Heheheheheheh..."

_realizes what Director just said_

Camera Dude: "Awwww, nuts."

_kicks an empty metal can with its cover half open and a generic, illegible label embroidered upon the outside_

Assistant Writer: "A liiiiiiiittle overboard, Jimmy."

Writer: "Shut up! I'm trying, okay?!"

Celine: "You shall pay for falling my father to the floor!"

Rena: "How could you do such a thing?"

Master of Heraldry: "It was quite simple."

(Town Bar, Earlier)

Master of Heraldry: "Hey, Eglas. Care to look over there for a bit?"

Eglas: "Haha. Well normally I don't perform such vulnerable requests for complete strangers, but today I'll make an exception."

_turns_

Heraldry Master: (_smashes chair on Eglas' head_)

(Forest, Now)

Claude: "Now that's just going too far. DIE!!!"

Heraldry Master: (_waits for attack_)

(nothing happens)

Heraldry Master: "The hell are you waiting for?"

Claude: "Huh? No, I was just yelling out your name. It's Die, right?"

Director: "(Inconceivable!)"

Celine: "Stand back, you two. This fight is between me and him."

Master of Heraldry: "Ah, is this the last of the Mohicans that are able to stand?"

Celine: "What kind of alien hoo-hash is that? We're Martians!"

Master of Heraldry: "Oh yes, sorry about that."

Celine: "As long as you understand..."

* * *

**Help from Above**

Celine: "Let's go."

Master of Heraldry: "Hahaha! There is no need for me to fight."

Claude: "Dangit, are you just going to send out another clone of yourself that in no way resembles your out-of-battle graphic?"

Master of Heraldry: "No. I shall wipe you out from the main storyline. With this!!"

_holds up_ The Book of Sacred Seals

Rena: "?"

Celine: "The book of forbidden Magic?! You stole it from the Elder's House..."

Master of Heraldry: "Yes indeed. Now, how shall I go about killing you? Releasing Armageddon? Changing you all into primordeal soup? Rabid hamster attacks?"

Celine: "No, I shant let you!"

_rushes to attack_

_gets smacked back_

Master of Heraldry: "Fool! Your out-of-battle self is powerless. And now, to open the book and release its almighty power---"

_attempts to open_

Master of Heraldry: "Hrrrrrggghh! (_huff puff_) What gives? It won't open!"

Claude: "Um, isn't that why it's called The Book of **_Sacred_** Seals?"

Rena: "(Wrong emphasis, Claude.)"

Master of Heraldry: "Worthless piece of crap! (_chucks on the ground_) Very well, I will kill you all myselves---using my stunt double."

Varmillion: "Rawrl! Behold my true form."

Claude: "True form? You just took your cloak off."

Varmillion: "...while replacing myself with a double."

Rena: "No, I think you're really just that ugly."

Varmillion: "Lies! That's all you're good for!"

Celine: "Darlings, let's just focus on the upcoming battle."

_Battle Starts_

Rena: "Better be careful."

Claude: "No worries."

Claude: "AIR SLASH!"

_sends shockwave_

Varmillion: "Child's play."

_dissipates with fist_

Celine: "Energy Arrow!"

Varmillion: "Ow!"

Claude: "Outstage me, will you? CHARGE!"

_runs into mid range_

Claude: "Here we go. SHOOTING STARS!"

_stands still in the star-launching pose_

Rena: "(sweatdrop)"

Director: "Special Effects Crew, do your thing." (_snaps finger_)

(Crew runs out into the battlefield)

Special Effects Guy: "Okay, let's set up the blue-colored fireworks so that they 'come out' of Claude's fist."

_finishes_

Special Effects Girl: "Mr. Varmillion, if you'd please cooperate with us and just stay in that spot for a few more minutes, we should be out of your way in a jiff-"

Varmillion: "OUT OF THE WAY!"

_starts terrorizing the support team_

Special Effects Guy: "Aaaaeeeeooooooouuuugghhhh!!!"

Special Effects Girl: "Hhhhhggguuuuuoooooeeeeaaaaa!!!"

_get killed_

Director: "Damn! Our best crew gone, just like that."

Celine: "Energy Arrow!"

Varmillion: "Ow!"

Director: (turns to Assistant) "Well? What can Claude use now?"

Assistant: "Errr, the closest thing we have is, uhhhh, blueberry pies that late Camera Dude #42 left with us."

Director: "Better than nothing, I suppose."

Assistant: "Hey Claude! CATCH!"

_tosses a cache of pies_

Claude: "SHOOTING STARS!"

_chucks pie at Varmillion_

Varmillion: "Ahhhh! My skin has been defiled. I'm BLUE!!!---if I was green I would die, if I was green I would die, if I was green I woul-"

Director: "Cut that out. Nobody gets it here, either. Except for maybe Mr. Jailbait to Precis."

Varmillion: "Aww..."

Celine: "Energy Arrow!"

Varmillion: "Ouch!"

_punches Claude around_

Claude: "Gah! Oww! Hey, stop i---_impact--_OOOF!!!"

Rena: "Cure Light!"

Claude: "Phew, thanks. Jeez, for a master of Heraldry, one would think you'd be using a spell now and then!"

Varmillion: "Here's a spell for you. DEATH!"

_clubs him with massive force_

Claude: "Rena...Celine...don't cry for me...nunnng-"

_is KO'd_

Rena: "I suppose it's going to be so very hard, but I will do my best to fulfill your last request."

Celine: "Energy Arrow!"

Varmillion: "Gah!"

Celine: "Rena, look out!"

Rena: "Eeek!"

_gets thrown at Celine_

Celine: "No..."

Rena: "This is it?"

Varmillion: "Yes it is. And now to finish you with an unusually slow-executing maneuver."

Rena: "N-Northern Cross?"

Varmillion: "...how did you know? Forget it then, I'll just pound your skulls into the dust and feed your carcasses to the Carlaeagles."

_raises fists_

_clenches_

Varmillion: "Rrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaa----!!"

**BOOM!**

_flames erupt on Varmillion_

Varmillion: "Yoooww! Who did that?!"

???: "Unholy One, your treachery has gone so far as to harm my village! I will have no such thing!"

Director: "The...heck?"

???: (jumps from canopy to ground) "Therefore, you shall be burned by the flames of our spirit. And I, Sailor Mars, shall chastise you!"

_poses_

Camera Dude #207: "OMG it's Sailor Mars!----_high-pitched scream_---I want your autograph!!! Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

Director: "(Oh. Gawd. No.)"

Varmillion: "Are you some kind of magician?"

Sailor Mars: "A magician of Fire...of sorts."

Varmillion: "Damn, my weakness----OH!! Uhhhhh...I mean, my Strength!"

Sailor Mars: "Thanks for the tip."

_throws a bunch of paper at him_

Varmillion: "Oh noes! Can't...move. What is this stuff?"

Sailor Mars: "It's to stall you while I prepare my ultimate Fire spell. Enjoy."

Vamillion: "Eep."

Sailor Mars: (chanting)

_fires start to gather round her_

_spheres of hellflame begin to circle_

Sailor Mars: "FIYAAAAAA-----"

Camera Dude #207: (_spasms of euphoria_)

Director: "(Oh man, this is gonna be huge...)"

Varmillion: (_sweating in panic_)

Sailor Mars: "-----BOLT!"

_piff!_

30 damage

-

-

_stunned silence_

-

-

-

Director: "$&#$."

* * *

**Do NOT piss off the fanboys**

Sailor Mars: (nervous chuckle) "Heheh."

Varmillion: "(_evilly approaches_)"

Sailor Mars: "Luna, Artemis, can you hear me? What do I do?"

Luna: (silent)  
Artemis: (is also silent)

Director: "The $#!& is she talking to a Luna Tablet and an Artemis Leaf for? Houston, we have a loon."

Sailor Mars: "Please answer me!!! You have to----OH GOSH-PUT ME DOWN AAAAAHHHH!"

_neck is snapped_

Varmillion: "Good riddance."

Camera Dude #207: "YOU THOUGHTLESS BASTARD! IN THE NAME OF MARS I SHALL PUNISH YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

_rushes into battlefield_

Director: "Oh god, he's got a bomb!"

Assistant: "Everyone amscray! Non-insane Camera Crew, drag Claude and company away from the blast radius ASAP!"

(Slow-Mo)

Camera Dude #207: "LEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYY---"

Varmillion: "!!!"

**KAAAAAAAA---BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHH!!!**

_deafening explosions_

_smoke rising_

_shockwave_

_stuff_

Director: (snaps lighter shut) "Jenkins."

-

(Aftermath)

Assistant: "Is everyone all right?"

Camera Dude #250: "I believe so. Claude, Rena, and the others have been revived as well."

Celine: "Others? It's just me."

Director: "Right, just you."

Celine: "..."

Claude: "Hey hey, looks like we killed it."

????: "Did you slay this one?"

Celine: "Huh?"

Rena: "Dias! You're back to normal!"

Dias: "Ten pills and two hours later..."

Rena: "Oh."

Dias: "As I was saying, did you kill this one, Claude?"

Claude: "Yup! But with Celine's help."

Rena: "Liar! You didn't do a dang thing. In fact, NONE of us did."

Claude: (to Dias) "And that's how it is."

Dias: "Hmmm. Then what Rena said wasn't necessarily a lie."

Claude: "Huh? What did she say?"

Dias: "...that you suck."

_chuckles, walks away_

Claude: "Oh yeah?! On what basis do you make that claim?"

Dias: "Think about it. Your first two techniques are Air Slash and Shooting Stars. The former is slow as hell, and the latter consists of pie throwing and poor Chun Li imitation with the fists. My first two techs are Air Slash and Chaos Sword. The former is fast as hell, and the latter consists of pure whoop ass mixed with cool."

Claude: "What's your point?"

Dias: "My first two skills clearly pwn yours. Just think how strong my later skills are going to be. Mine will continue to become better and better while yours degrade into primitive mush. Hahahahahahahahaha!" (_leaves_)

(50 Levels later)

Dias: "Damn it."

* * *

**Gone Shopping**

(Village of Mars)

Director: "Huh. Guess there's nothing left to do here now."

Rena: "Celine is gone."

Director: "Meh..."

Claude: "Where to, Cap'n?"

Director: "Hmmmm...we need a good Store scene for the film. Last one was pretty &$!#ed up with that Freckled Girl Yuki."

Claude: "I'll get it right this time."

Director: "Oh, you had better."

(Roof's Tool Shop)

Claude: "(_walks up to the counter_)"

Claude: "!"

Claude: "(Oh crap, lost my lines...)"

Claude: "Uhhh, ummmmm..."

Director: "(Come on, moron. You don't need a script for this.)"

Claude: (_sweating_)

Claude: (_profuse sweating_)

Claude: (_unfathomable fat Sumo sweating_)

Director: "Claude!"

Claude: "SORRY!"

Old Mrs. Roof: (turns around) "Oh, a customer. My ears are going, I can't hear."

Director: "(sigh...)"

Claude: "Wow, a deaf lady! I've never seen one of those before."

Claude: "(Heheheheh, time to take advantage of this opportunity.)"

Claude: "Lady, I'd like to buy these three things."

Old Mrs. Roof: "All right, my child. That will be 2400 FOL."

Claude: "Here you go." (_snicker_)

Old Mrs. Roof: "There seems to be some kind of mistake, sonny. These are playing cards, not bills."

Claude: "!"

Claude: "Oh, heh heh, I guess you are right. My bad."

_hands her the money_

Claude: "(Fudge and biscuits, she must have mastered Braille enough to know the difference by touch. I'll have to think of something else.)"

Old Mrs. Roof: "Thank you. Have a nice day."

Claude: "Yup. Bye-buy!"

_heads for the door_

Claude: "(_shifty eyes_)"

_grabs a Flame Blade_

Old Mrs. Roof: "EXCUSE ME."

Claude: "(Eep!)"

Claude: "Ye-yes?"

Old Mrs. Roof: "You need to pay for that sword."

Claude: (hides) "What sword?"

Old Mrs. Roof: "Don't play dumb with me, whipper snapper. The sword behind your back."

Claude: "(Dang it! What the heck gives?)"

_puts the sword back_

Old Mrs. Roof: "Thank you. Now you may leave."

Claude: "..."

_walks up to her_

Claude: "YOU'RE NOT DEAF, ARE YOU?!! LOUSY PHONY!"

_slaps the poor lady_

Old Mrs. Roof: "..."

_grabs broom_

_SMACK!_

_BASH!_

_BOOM!_

_CRACK!_

(chasing all around the village)

Claude: "AAAAAHHHHHHH!! Help me Mister Directooooooor!"

Director: "Are you kidding me? This is the best Shop scene I've ever witnessed! Woo, look at that granny go!"

* * *

**Stalling**

(Village Exit)

Claude: "Finally, we can leave this pot hole."

Director: "I hope nobody tries to stop us at the last second..."

(last second)

????: "Waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt!"

Director: "Crap."

Rena: "Celine? What is it?"

Celine: "What do you mean, 'What is it'? Don't tell me you were planning on leaving so soon."

Claude: "Your village has some crazy elderly people with witch brooms. I can't stand it any longer."

Celine: "But--you guys are our heroes."

Claude: "Heroes?"

Celine: "That's right. Now if you were to leave, who exactly would be left for us to entertain?"

Rena: "Thanks for the offer, but no tha----"

_gets shoved_

Director: "Entertain, you say? Just what kind of 'entertainment' are we talking about?"

Celine: "You'll have to stay and find out." (_winks_)

Director: "Oh! Heheh, I think we can park ourselves here for a bit longer then..."

Celine: "Wonderful. Now if you would just follow me."

Director: "(_hypnotic grimace_)"

Assistant: "S-Sir?"

(Celine's House, 30 minutes later)

Claude: "w00t, I win!!!"

Everyone but Director: "Yaaaaaaaaay." (_applause_)

Claude: "Take that, Mouse Trap mice!"

_stomps repeatedly_

Celine: "Whoah whoah whoah! Stop it Claude! We would like to play this AGAIN sometime."

Claude: "Pssssh! Fine."

Director: (laying on couch) "Ugh, is it morning yet?"

Rena: "15 more hours."

Director: "...we're leaving. NOW."

Labe: "Oh, please stay. Dinner's almost ready. We'll be having a squashed tomatoes."

Claude: "Ooooh, sounds delish!"

Director: "(Sounds like $#!& .)"

(Dinner Table)

Celine: "Where's Father?"

Rena: "Shoot! I forgot to heal him. Excuse me..."

_goes to back room_

Rena: "All done!"

_sits down_

(Elder bursts in)

Elder: "WHERE EGLAS?!!"

Rena: (groan) "Right this way..."

_goes to back room_

Rena: "All done!"

_sits down_

Eglas: "Hello." (_joins_)

Celine: "Hi. Good to see you healthy."

Eglas: "Likewise. Treasure Hunting is so dangerous. Why can't you be like the rest of us and-"

Celine: "We've been through this before! Please, let us not argue in front of the guests."

Eglas: "Sorry."

_awkward silence_

Labe: "SOOOO! Umm, how are the a squashed tomatoes? I added secret ingredients for bolder flavor!"

Claude: "...this tastes like a 13-year-old homicide victim."

Director: "..."

Assistant: "..."

Rena: "..."

Celine: "..."

Eglas: "Heh, I guess secret ingredients aren't what they used to be, huh Labe?"

Labe: (blush)

Director: (hand over mouth) "MFFFGGH!!! GGGGHHHH?"

Rena: (sigh) "I'll show you to the toilet."

_goes to back room  
_

* * *

**Last Night in Mars**

(Celine's House)

Eglas: "So, you're planning on going to El, eh?"

Claude: "Yes. We're going to explore some green globe, whoopie."

Eglas: "I don't approve."

Celine: "Father?! Why do you say that?"

Eglas: "Now, now, I was simply stating that you should arm yourselves with weapons from Lacour first. Recklessness and Courage are two different animals."

Claude: "They're not animals at all-"

Eglas: "It was a FRIGGIN' ANALOGY, OKAY?!!"

Claude: (scared) "Yes sir. Please don't kill me."

Eglas: "Just for that, I'm not going to tell you my personal theory of what the Sorcery Globe really is!" (_stamps upstairs_)

Celine: (stands up) "Oh, Daddy... I'll be back, darlings." (_follows_)

Claude: "Rena?"

Rena: "Dias...Dias...Dias...Dias..."

Claude: "He's a pretty strong swordsman. I can tell. I can see how you'd become possessed into chanting his name eerily."

Rena: "?!"

Rena: "It's nothing like THAT! Dias is like a brother to me and that's IT."

Claude: "Oh really?"

Rena: "YES!" (_looks away_)

Claude: "Rena..."

Rena: "Now what?"

Claude: "YOU'RE A $&#$ING $&#$ED UP PIECE OF &#$! THAT DESERVES TO BURN IN #?&#ING HELL FOR ETERNITY!"

Rena: (pissed off) "NANI?!!"

Director: "(Okay, Rena, that's cool. Just get ticked off and speak in another language. What's next, a spell voiceover in Japanese? Geez, people.)"

Claude: "Never mind, I hope you find your mother."

Rena: (instantly calms down) "Thank you."

Director: "(Here we go AGAIN...)"

Claude: "Huh? Why the red face and angry twitching, Mr. Director?"

Director: (spasms) "I-i-it's n-n-nothing. L-let's all j-just go to s-s-s-leep now. Y-yesssss, please."

Rena: "Okaaaaaaaay..."

Claude: "Good night, everybody! Don't let the bed bugs bite! Hee hee!" (_skips up the stairs_)

_(Blackout)_

_(Sleep BGM plays)_

(Sometime During the Night)

Director: (waking up) "Hmmm?"

Director: "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

King Cross: (in same bed) "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

_scampers off_

Director: (hides under sheets, shuddering)

_(Blackout)_

_(Sleep BGM Plays)_

(Morning)

Claude: "Time to go, everyone!"

Camera Crew: (_sniff_) "We were left outside all night."

Assistant: "Director, what's wrong?"

Director: "I-I woke up with the...the...K-King..."

Assistant: "Awww, a nightmare? It's okay."

_pats Directors back_

_gets punched in the face_

(Town Exit)

Celine: "We'll be going."

Labe: "Don't go to El, now."

Celine: (crossing fingers) "Okay, Mother."

Eglas: "By the way...those Ancient Writings can be deciphered by people in Linga."

Celine: (still crossing fingers) "Thanks, Father."

* * *

**A Royal Pain**

(World Map)

Claude: "Anyone know where we're supposed to be headed?"

Rena: "Yes. The Captain told us to take a boat to the Lacour continent via the port town of Herlie."

Claude: "Helre?"

Celine: "Herlie, dear."

Director: "(What kind of idiot would make that mistranslation?)"

Rena: "Aren't you going to miss your hometown, Celine?"

Celine: "They'll be fine."

(Village of Mars)

Soldier A: "All right, NOBODY MOVE!!! You hear?!"

Elder: "Huh? What going on?"

Woman: "Why are you taking our children?!"

Soldier B: "We have reports of several parents in this town teaching their kids witchcraft. We're taking them to a place where their minds won't be poisoned by your satanic teachings!"

Soldier C: "Oh, and that precious Book of Sacred Seals of yours? Nothing more than a huge gallery of child porn."

Man: "Have mercy on us! We repent of our perverse ways!"

Soldier A: "Repent as you rot in prison, you sick perverted bastards." (_spits_)

(the whole town is soon taken into custody)

Rena: "Yeah, I'm sure they will be."

Claude: "Hey everyone. Guess what?"

Celine: "What?"

Claude: "(_farts_)"

Claude: "AHAHAHAHAHA! Gotcha!"

Rena: "Gross, Claude!"

Director: (sigh) "Must you insist on embarrassing yourself in front of the emperor?"

Claude: "Oops! Sorry..."

Emperor: "No no, that's quite all right. Like they always say, boys will be boys."

Claude: "Thank you, Your Eminence."

Director: "By the way..."

Emperor: "Yes?"

Director: "What country are you from again?"

Emperor: "Well, it's called-----(_checks watch_)-----My my! Look at the time. I have a REALLY important special meeting to attend to, so I guess I'll see you guys around someday...perhaps. Zoom zoom!"

_darts off_

Rena: "Hey! He just took half our FOL!"

Director: (smacks head) "That's the last time we let any royalty join our party from out of nowhere..."

Everyone: "Agreed."

(Herlie)

Claude: "Great. Another port town. Let's just get out of here as quickly as possible before the locals try to engage us in conversation."

Rena: "Claude, WATCH OUT!"

Claude: "Huh?"

_Young Man approaches him_

Claude: "Whoah!!!"

_spins away_

Celine: "To your left, darling!"

Claude: "Augh!"

_Young Woman approaches_

Claude: "Stiff arm!"

**BAM!**

Young Woman: "Ahhhh!" (falls over)

Claude: "Phew."

Director: "We're not in the clear yet! Claude, look to your front!"

Claude: "Oh noes! Too late to avoid confrontation. Time for the last resort..."

Claude: "Tanooki Power... activate!"

(stands perfectly still)

Old Man: (rubbing eyes) "Wut the---? Where'd ya go?"

_looks around_

Rena: "(Yes! Looks like he did it.)"

Director: (checking watch) "3...2...1..."

**POOF!**

Old Man: "Aha! There you are! Guess I didn't go crazy. So, what parts do ye hail from? Where ya goin? Who are these landlubbers travelin wit ya? I can wait all day, folks."

Claude: (sigh) "Fusion Mauled..."

Rena: "It's Fission Mailed, dude."

Director: "You're both wrong. It's Mission Failed. What'd we bet on here? Oh, wow, one months worth of paychecks? Goody. Looks like I win then, heh."

Rena: "...I bet my fist on it, too. Where would you like to receive it? Oh, in your face? Well, i guess that can be arrang-"

_click click!_

Director: (.45 held out) "Don't even think about it."

Rena: "Gah! Are you even allowed to DO this?"

Director: "You're free to go home anytime you wish. Westa must be real worried. You can live a life carefree and full of minimum wage benefits from selling dead dandelions off the ground to gullible children who lost their pets to 'freak accidents', which really come from you gutting them in their sleep at night because you know pets don't die that often and..."

Rena: "You had me at Westa."

Director: "Oh, really? Great, I was getting tired of making up crap as I went along."

Rena: "..."

Man: "Say, did you hear about the dragon in the Salva Drift?"

Claude: "No. Now, if you'll just let me walk away slowly..."

Man: "Get back here!"

Claude: "Dang it!"

Old Man: "Yeah, I've heard of it. They say that warriors are flocking down there for a chance to take down the beast."

Man: "Yup, yup. But do you think it's still alive by now? It's been news for quite the while, and most Fighting Men have disappeared from this town since yesterday morni---HEY HEY, I'M NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU!!!"

Claude: "What the frick is your problem?! I have no part in this stupid dialogue. I'm not interested in some dumb dragon from that Saliva ghetto. You're only talking to the old geezer there."

Old Man: "I heard that! If I was back in my youth, I'd counter that remark with one sharp retort."

Man: "ARGG!!!" (angry exploding emoticon appears over head)

Old Man: "What's wrong with you?"

Man: "Sorry. I just have this pet peeve about people wishing they were younger."

Old Man: "Huh? What kind of new fad is that? Gosh, if I was 18 again I'd reintroduce the scooter or somet-"

Man: "GRAAAAAAWWWW!!! (more exploding icons appear)

Old Man: "Stop interrupting me!"

Man: "I-I can't help it. Okay, okay, I'm fine now."

Claude: "Blah blah blah..."

Man: "Contribute something good, or contribute nothing at all you jerk!"

Claude: "You won't let me leave!"

Man: "Now you can, loser. I'm done with you."

Claude: "Thank you." (leaves)

Man: (to Old Man) "Now where were we? Oh yes, the dragon."

Old Man: "Bah! If I were a bit younger, I'd moider that dragon with one blow."

Man: "AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHH---!"

(head explodes, guts fly everywhere)

Old Man: "..."

Old Man: "(takes wallet)"

Old Man: "..."

Old Man: "(grabs Bingo chips, puts wallet back, then runs away)"

Director: "Hey."

Claude: "Where've you been? I was stuck in a chat with Gramps and Headless over there."

Director: "We had our fair share of problems, too. Some newlywed started hitting on me and wouldn't stop talking."

Claude: "Ouch. How did you get out of it?"

Director: "I pushed her in the water."

Claude: "May she rest in peace..."

Director: "Indeed."

Claude: "How's about boarding the boat to Lacour now?"

Director: "Not yet. We're going to the Salva Drift. An actor is scheduled to meet us there."

Claude: "What?! Who?"

Director: "You'll see."

Claude: "Rena, Celine, we're leaving now! Hurry up."

Rena: "I can't! This lady won't let me go!"

Woman: "Oi sheilla! What's yer hurry mate? It had betta be impertant, else I'll kick yer arse so hard you'll kiss the moons!"

Rena: (to Crew) "Translation?"

Assistant: "Her dialect seems similar to a character from the film _Chrono Cross_. Number 232, get them on the phone for confirmation!"

Camera Dude #232: "It's no use! Several key developers have vanished from the company. We can't decipher it!"

Assistant: "Damn, they promised us a sequel someday. What has this industry come to?!"

Woman: "Oi! What the seahorse are you waitin fer? Answer me!"

Rena: "(I have to say SOMETHING...uhhhhhh...)"

Rena: "...Thank you?"

Woman: "Oh, okay. See you later." (skips along)

Rena: "(evil smile)"

* * *

**A Sticky Situation**

(World Map)

Claude: "Back to Saliva, huh?"

Rena: "Should be easy enough. Just retrace your steps."

Claude: "Okay..."

(walks up to footprint)

Claude: "Say, does somebody have a marker? This could take a while."

Celine: "No time for jokes, Claude. Monsters approaching!"

Claude: "Joke?"

_Battle Starts_

Slime A: "Destroy All Humans!"

Slime B: "Techmo Super Bowl!"

Slime B: "Errrrr... I mean, 'Yes'!"

Slime C: "Ditto!"

(Slimes begin to snicker)

Claude: "What's so funny?"

Slime A: "You wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke for us slimes."

Claude: "All you have are insides. That makes it just a regular joke then. Lame!"

Slime B: "Arg, you shall be the first to go! Fire at will!"

(slimeballs are hurled at the party)

Claude: "Ack! (_squish_) Eck! (_splat_) Ick! (_splooch_) Ock! (_plop_) Uck!"

Rena: "We can't get close with their long-range attacks! Celine, you're our only hope!"

Celine: "Thunderbolt!"

_zap_

Slime A: "Gah, I've been hit!"

Slime B: "Target the spellcaster, assuming we haven't been inflicted with Heat!"

Slime C: "I'm _in_ heat right now..."

Slime B: "Woah woah woah, we did NOT want to hear that."

Slime A: "Fire!"

(buries Celine in slime balls)

Claude: "Once again Celine has proved her worthlessness. But still, what is this I feel?"

Rena: "I'm getting angry!"

Claude: "Hey, me too. NOW CLAUDE SMASH!"

(duo beats the crap out of the Slimes)

Slime A: "You ha..ven't beaten us y-yet..."

Slime C: "We will win using the power of...love!"

(slimes pile up on each other)

Slime A: "Reproduction!"

Claude: "Ewwww, what are they doing, making Jell-O Jigglers out of their bodies? ...DIBS ON BLUEBERRY!"

(moments pass)

Claude: "The slimes have multiplied into... plus three more!"

Slime D: "Pleasure to meet you."

Slime E: "Yo."

Slime F: "How's it hanging?"

Claude: "Shooting Stars!"

Slime A: "Eeaaaghh!"

_dies_

Rena: "Press!"

(Anvil crushes Slime B)

Slime C: "Keep making babies, everyone! If they die, we can just make more and more."

Claude: "Yah!"

_slices Slime C in half_

Slime D: (putting pseudo-arm around Slime F) "Saaaay, you're kinda cute. And kinda single, hmmm? How's about comin inside for a little drinky? I've got plenty of protoplasm to share with you."

Slime F: "Oh, D..."

(stuff happens)

Claude: "Ack! Can't watch!" (hides face)

(5 seconds later, 2 more Slimes appear)

Slime H: "Sup G."

Slime G: "Not much. You?"

Rena: "Yah! Jah! Tiyeee!"

Slime C: "My death will not be in -"

_dies in vain_

Director: "Damn, how do we stop them?"

Claude: "Kick 'em all in the crotch?"

Assistant: "An all-targeting spell would work, but Celine is dead. Again."

Claude: "Nail them in the numbers?"

Director: "We're out of revival items, too. Guess that's out."

Claude: "Castrate their bullflocks?"

Assistant: "Oh, it's hopeless!"

Claude: "Chop them off? Smash them? Rip them off? Because they've pretty much given up on life? Because they're sure they'll win? Because they're clueless? C'mon people, great ideas here."

Director: "Shut up, we're trying to think! Can't you wait until tomorrow morning when I'm not in the same room as you?"

Claude: "We have to be in the same room tomorrow. We're sleeping at the Inn that's only one big room, remember?"

Director: "The morning after then!"

Director: "!!!"

Director: "(Holy crap, that's IT.)"

Rena: "Guys! A little help down here?"

Claude: "Bah, go help yourself. I'm having trouble enough trying to kick their crotch... the stupid Slimes keep rotating it!"

Slime K: "Woop! (_shuffles body_) Missed it again! Try again sometime."

Claude: "You should at least be dead from all the kicking."

Slime K: "Ah crap. You're right..." (_disintegrates_)

Director: "Rena!"

Rena: "What?"

Director: "Give them some of your Morning After pills!"

Rena: (turns red) "WHAT?! What makes you think I'd have those?!"

Director: "Come now. Everyone knows that ALL rebellious girls your age carry Morning After pills."

Rena: "No they don't! That's just supersti-"

Claude: (in Rena's purse) "Found em."

Rena: "..."

(Claude starts cramming pills down the Slimes' throats)

Slime E: "Ahhh, what have you done to us?!"

Slime L: "Our power...our beautiful power...it's..."

Slime F: "Gah, I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeelting! Ohhhhhh-"

_evaporates_

_remaining Slimes eventually follow suit_

Claude: "We did it!" (spins sword)

Assistant: "Rena's sick and twisted personal life has saved us all!"

Rena: "No! You're wrong! Didn't you hear what the Director said? I didn't have a choice to own them or not! I'm a good little girl, you hear?! I'm a good little girrrrrrrrll..."

(sobbing, crying, showing of emotions---what the?!)

Director: "(Someone's running out of originality here...)"

* * *

**End Part VI**


End file.
